


all that it takes

by azuriteaura



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, College AU, F/F, F/M, Female Reader, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Group chat, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lush, M/M, Pottery Barn, Slow Burn, Texting, Trees, and ill be damned if he doesnt get a redemption arc in this fic, jared and his love for bathbombs, larry is a shitty dad but not the absolute dick the fandom makes him, let the boy cronch, many many trees, no one dies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-01-13 16:38:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 61,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18472879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azuriteaura/pseuds/azuriteaura
Summary: dads suck, college is hell, cats are cool, trees are life. what more is there to say?(so much more, but ya girl sucks at summaries sO JUST READ IT LMAO)





	1. who has the fucking map

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> APPARENTLY I COULD HAVE BEEN USING AN HTML CONVERTER FOR GOOGLE DOCS INSTEAD OF BOLDING AND ITALICIZING EVERYTHING INDIVIDUALLY WHEN I TRANSFERRED THE WRITING TO AO3 GOD DAMMIT

Evan sighed as he looked down the hall at his mother’s bedroom door. Another night alone and another morning of being unsure if she was sleeping in her room or if he had the house to himself for the day already. Not that it made much of a difference either way Evan thought bitterly.

The closed door more or less represented their relationship as mother and son. Whether they were physically near each other or not, there would always be a closed door between them. Neither knowing how to open it to let the other in. Evan graduating hadn’t changed that, not that he thought that it would.

He knew that he shouldn’t be so bitter about it. His mom worked hard to make sure he had the things he needed in life and he appreciate it he really did but… he couldn’t help but wish she was around more. That he had a family that was actually there for him.

Evan’s thoughts were interrupted by the sudden sound of the doorbell ringing through the empty house, causing him to jump at the unexpected noise. He clutched his chest, feeling his startled heart pounding heavily. 

One glance to his mother’s door again and the silence that swallowed the house whole once more confirmed that he was home alone. He was home alone and there was someone at the front door, standing between him and the plans he had for the day. He didn’t have work today but he didn’t exactly want to stay holed up in his room just because he had the day off.

As he worked his way towards the staircase another single ring from the doorbell sounded causing him to quicken his pace. He paused long enough to peek through the hole of the front door and bit his lip as he debated if he should answer it or pretend he wasn’t home.

He didn’t recognize the girl standing on the other side of the door. She kept nervously glancing around at her surroundings and checking her phone, biting her lip as well. 

Evan watched as the girl’s shoulders sagged a bit and she sighed. The girl began to turn and walk away, clearly thinking she either had the wrong place or no one was home.

He wasn’t sure why he did it, but before he knew it he pulled the front door open just a little too quickly and called out,

“U-Um wait!”

The girl flinched at the sudden movement behind her. She paused before turning around looking startled. Evan twisted the hem of his shirt in his free hand that wasn’t holding the door open as his eyes flicked from hers to literally anywhere else as he asked, 

“D-Did you uh, need something? If you’re, if you’re trying to sell something I’m sorry but I don’t really have any money on me right now.” Evan’s voice wavered and began to speed up as he started to ramble, “N-Not that I’m trying to turn you away! Oh god that probably sounded like I was trying to get rid of you, I’m sorry. Um…”

Evan’s rambling died off and the two stood in silence for a moment. His face felt hot and his palms were already sweaty. He had gotten better at social interaction since high school, he really had, but certain situations like phone calls or answering the door were still too much for his heart to handle.

He finally looked up at her. He expected her to look annoyed by his rambling but instead she just looked at him with a soft bemused smirk.

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and wrapped her hand around her other arm, suddenly seeming nervous herself before speaking,

“Um, you’re fine Evan don’t worry about it.”

Evan blinked, “H-How do you know my name? Did we, did you go to my high school or something? I’m sorry that I can’t remember.”

She let out a small huff of what was almost a laugh as she shook her head, “No no, nothing like that. Um, oh god I had this planned out in my head but I’m drawing a blank now so I guess I’ll just say it…”

Evan’s hand that had been wearing down the hem of his shirt froze as the girl held out her hand towards Evan and said with a bit of an awkward smile, 

“Hi Evan. I’m ____. Your half sister.”

\-------

Your index finger stroked absentmindedly at your thumb as you sat at the kitchen table and looked around while Evan made tea. 

After introducing yourself, Evan was completely shellshocked, which was fair. Despite planning on doing this for a few months now, your world still felt just as upside down as his probably did right about now. Before you knew it, he had broken out into nearly incoherent rambling again but still had somehow managed to invite you in and offer you something to drink.

Evan walked towards the table with two mugs and placed one down in front of you before sitting down in his own seat. You took the mug and smiled at him,

“Thanks.”

He nodded and took a sip of his drink before clearing his throat awkwardly and asking,

“S-So um.. Half sister?”

You nodded before looking down at your hands nervously. You sighed and sat down your mug as you answered,

“Yeah um.. We have the same biological father.”

Evan thought about this for a moment before asking with a bit of hesitation, “But you look like you’re my age. My dad left when I was eight.”

You bit your lip and your hands tightened around your mug. You just had to put it out there. Evan had a right to know.

“Our dad um.. Our dad met my mom twenty years ago. It was a one time thing apparently, but once was all it took.”

Evan blinked. He suddenly felt like all the air was knocked out of him as he realized what you were saying.

“I was born twenty years ago he was… he was still married to my mom. He… He cheated on my mom? He cheated on her and she was pregnant with me and he....”

He had started shaking as he spoke. You nodded silently, not wanting to add too much to the upsetting news before he had a chance to process. 

Evan buried his face in his hands and let out a shaky breath. He stayed like that for a few minutes before sitting up and running his fingers through his hair.

By now most of your nerves were gone but the air was still thick with the tension of the reality you brought in when you walked through the front door of his home. 

You ran your fingers down the side of your mug slowly, not looking up despite feeling that his eyes were now on you.

“So… The woman that he left us for, is that..?”

You smiled bitterly at the question slipped out from his lips and quickly died out. You shook your head and spoke, 

“No. Theresa isn’t my mother. My mom died to cancer when I was six. We couldn’t afford treatment. She didn’t have any other family so I was passed around orphanage to orphanage until I finally scraped together enough money for a DNA test.”

You didn’t look up but you could still feel his eyes on you as you continued, “Once the results were in I found myself at his front door. He and Victoria had already been together for a year by then and had their first baby on the way.”

“For someone who’s so bad at sticking with one family he sure does get around.” You huffed bitterly. There was nothing but tense silence for a moment before you added, 

“Theresa never saw me as a daughter and I never saw her as a mother. Dad kept me around because he felt obligated to once he found out my mom died. He didn’t even know I existed until I was at their doorstep. They have two kids and are pretty damn well off, so it didn’t exactly break any hearts when I decided to move out after high school.” 

You took a sip from your drink, not wanting it to go cold then finished, “Wasn’t really ever a part of the family y’know? Probably just a freeloader in their eyes at best although I never heard them complain about the child support checks.”

The house was silent except for the sound of a clock ticking somewhere and the distant sound of the neighborhood activity outside. When you finally looked up from your hands you were shocked to see Evan looked.. sad. He had seemed upset when you broke the news to him about their dad being a dirty cheater sure, but now it looked like he was fighting not to cry and needed a hug.

You felt a twinge of pain in your chest at this, but stayed put. You literally had just walked in and flipped his life on it’s back, you had no plans of pushing it any further than that. 

Evan wiped his hands on his jeans before resting his arms on the table and sighing,

“That’s a lot to take in. I’m sorry about your mom.”

You chuckled dryly as you retorted, “I’m sorry for your- our shit dad. And for only telling you this now. For what it’s worth I didn’t know about you or Heidi until like six months ago.”

He let out a small laugh at this and you felt the tension lift ever so slightly. It was clear that he had questions. You both did. But for now it was probably best to give each other some time. 

After a moment you cleared your throat and began to stand,

“You probably want some time to process all this. Um, I’m sorry if it’s too much or I’m crossing a line here but uh, here’s my number and apartment address. If you ever wanted to like, get to know each other or go get a coffee or something? Then well.. Yeah.”

You blushed as you rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly. You were never good at first interactions and this was no exception, if anything it was worse.

Evan looked down at the slip of paper you placed on the table in front of him and gave a small smile before standing as well. “Yeah that would be um, that would be good. Getting a coffee or something, I mean.”

You smiled as you both headed towards the front door. You opened the door and looked over at him,

“Yeah… I’ll um, I’ll see you around?”

Evan nodded, “Yeah, I think so.”

“Cool, bye Evan.”

“Bye ____.”

Evan waited by the door as you got in your car and began to pull out of the driveway. You gave him a small wave which he returned before you drove away. Once Evan closed the door he turned so his back was pressed against it as he slid down to the ground.

His head was swimming. He had a half sister. His dad cheated on his mom. His dad was more garbage than he had thought he was before. What was his half sister like? Did his mom know about all this? If she did then why didn’t she ever tell him?

Evan groaned as he felt a headache coming on. Screw what he had planned for the day, he needed to get away and breathe. He dug his phone out of his pocket and called the one person he knew he could go to with things like this, the one person he could actually talk on the phone with. 

The phone rang twice before crackling and playing alternative music quietly in the background.

“Sup?”

Evan let his head rest against the door behind him and closed his eyes, “I need to get out of the house.”

There was a sound of shuffling on the other end and the music stopped, “Apple orchard?”

Evan nodded despite knowing that he couldn’t see it, “Apple orchard.”

“Alright be there in ten.”

Evan let out a relieved sigh, already feeling a small amount of tension leave his body.

“Sounds good, see you then Connor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy first chapter is out. ngl im not expecting much since i know the fandom is super dead and im like four years too late to join the party but i really wanted to write this story! I have a lot of it mapped out and am really excited to write it. thanks so much for reading, and hopefully i'll see you next chapter!


	2. not so bad

You let out an exhausted sigh as you flopped gracelessly onto the couch to take a break. You've been unpacking since about seven in the morning and it was already three. You normally wouldn't be up so early but sleeping on the floor for two days while you wait for your bed to get to the apartment wasn't exactly the best for sleeping patterns.

A quiet meow sounded off next to your feet and with a muffled _fwump_ your small cat was on the couch next to you, sniffing your hand curiously. You giggled and let her lick your hand before scratching under her chin.

Your cat purred as you cooed, “You're such a good girl Luna.” 

You had picked her up off the streets two years ago, much to Victoria's chagrin once she found out. Luna was a small cat that was about three years old. She had black fur with a small patch of white on her chest and had brown eyes with specks of green in the left eye.

You continued to pet her as she curled up in your lap. You looked around your small studio apartment and took in what had been done and what still needed to be unpacked.

The apartment had two floors. There were stairs to the side that led up to a space for a bed that overlooked the studio apartment and a small bathroom next to it. You knew there was no way you'd be able to get a bed up there by yourself so you had splurged a bit and bought one from a company that would deliver and set it up for you.

The lower floor had three walls with the fourth being made mostly large out of glass windows. There was enough space to set up a half living room half kitchen with a desk tucked in the corner by the windows where she could work at.

The room itself wasn't very large but with the view you had from the fourth floor of the complex plus the open space where a floor/ceiling would normally be from the second floor of your apartment, it felt way bigger than it would have normally.

Despite not quite being a part of the family, Victoria and your father had actually set aside some money for college. What none of them were expecting was for you to get a full ride scholarship to one of the backup colleges you applied to.

Deciding you’d rather use the money for housing expenses for the first year so you could settle into student life instead of going to your top choice school and having to juggle a job with classes, you took the scholarship and began apartment searching immediately.

You continued to sit and take a break as you looked out the window and pet Luna until you felt your phone buzz in your pocket. You pulled out your phone and felt a grin spread on your face as you saw a phone number you didn't recognize and the message that came with it.

**“Hey ____! It's Evan.”**

A part of you was prepared for Evan to blow you off and never contact you, but he proved that part of you wrong. You quickly added him to your contacts before typing a message in response.

**“Hey Evan! :D  
I'm hella happy you texted.”**

You patted Luna and shifted to let her know you were going to get up. She mewled in protest but moved over to curl up on the other side of the couch as you slowly stood up and stretched.

You turned up your notifications sound so you would know if Evan sent you anything and turned your playlist back on as you walked towards the boxes labeled _“kitchen”_.

“Alright, time to get this shit done.”

\---

Meanwhile over at Jared's dorm, Evan was getting his ass handed to him in mario kart. Again. The round ended and he sighed as Jared let out a proud whooping noise.

Evan gave him an unamused look as he set down his controller and leaned back until his was lying down on top of Jared's bed,

“I don't want to play with you anymore. Ever again. You're banned from mario kart.”

Jared cackled as he set up a single player circuit and turned down the volume a bit,

“You're just upset that you got your ass handed to you by Yoshi.”

Evan huffed and lightly kicked Jared's arm as his phone went off.

He lifted his phone to see that you had responded to his text. And he had no idea what to say.

He groaned and let his arm drop back down by his side as the race began. Not taking his eyes off the screen Jared asked,

“What's up? Did your manager tell you to blow him for a pay raise or something?”

Evan kicked Jared again, only harder, causing Jared to swerve to the side and get hit by a green shell. He cursed and Evan snorted before retaliating,

“No you jerk, stop being gross. I just got a text and I don't know how to respond really…”

Jared glanced up at him as the next race loaded and frowned.

“Okaaay… So either you and Connor got into a fight, your mom started dating someone and wants to start a new family or you met someone on the tinder account I made you get over summer.”

Evan huffed as he got up and lied down on his stomach instead so he could watch the screen.

“No to all of those. I deactivated that account by the way. A for effort though.”

Jared whined, “Boo you whore.”

He drove into a banana peel and cursed before pausing the game and looking up at Evan from his spot on the floor.

“So who is it then? Are they the reason why you suddenly cancelled on me yesterday?”

Evan grimaced. Jared wasn't actually upset but he still felt a little bad.

“Yeah, sorry.”

Jared shrugged. 

Things had gotten a lot better between them during the second half of senior year. Something Jared said had set Evan off enough for him to finally fire back. It had gotten ugly, they didn't talk for weeks. But when they inevitably did, they started to fix things. Became actual friends and not car insurance held hostage family friends.

Jared crawled up on the bed and held out his hand expectantly. Evan clutched his phone, not liking where this was going.

“No Jared, last time I gave you my phone you downloaded pornhub on it.”

Jared snorted, “You love me for shit like that don't lie.”

Evan opened his mouth to respond but before he could Jared snatched his phone in the blink of an eye and was already rolling away so he could see the texts before Evan could stop him.

“Hey- Jared!!! What the hell, don't do that!”

Jared gasped dramatically as he fought off Evan with his foot and looked at the phone, 

“Evan Michael Hansen, you ditched me yesterday for a girl? I can't believe you're getting laid and didn't tell me!”

Evan sputtered and stopped trying to get his phone back before trying even harder,

“Ew gross Jared no! She's a distant relative or something! Don't go there!”

Jared whipped around and shot Evan a confused look,

“Since when do you have a relative named ____?”

Evan sighed and flopped back onto the bed, admitting defeat.

“Since yesterday apparently.”

Evan filled in Jared on the events from yesterday, from you being at his front door to him and Connor going to their secret place and staying there until his head cleared. By the end of it Jared was completely silent until he finally said,

“Your dad is a fucking dick.”

Evan laughed,

“That's exactly what Connor said.”

Jared crossed his arms,

“Good. It's right and he should say it. In all seriousness though, you gonna meet up with ____?”

Evan shrugged weakly, “Yes? No? I don't know… I only met her yesterday and it's just.. weird to suddenly have this person show up and say _hey I'm the result of your dad cheating on your mom while she was pregnant with you okay bye._ She seems alright from what I could tell but just… I don't know.”

Jared hummed and nodded as Evan spoke. If Evan had looked down he would have noticed Jared on his phone again and could've stopped him or at least been less surprised when he said,

“That's fair. That being said we're getting coffee with your mystery sister tomorrow before you go to work.”

Evan snapped his head up, _“What?_ Jared I- wait, we?”

Jared tossed Evan back his phone and grinned, 

“You didn't think I'd sit this one out did you? I can't think of a better way to spend my last day of freedom before classes start than reuniting long lost siblings.”

Evan unlocked his phone and saw that Jared had texted you and made plans that you agreed to quickly. He had even mentioned Evan bringing a friend with him. Welp. 

There wasn't any going back now. That didn't mean Jared was getting away with it without another kick to the arm though.

\----

You sipped your cold coffee drink as you looked around the small cafe you had been told to go to. You found a nice booth with a good view that was tucked out of the way in the back.

You had gotten there a bit early and decided to get something while you waited. Now that you had a real bed, you had accidentally slept in longer than planned which led to you panicking and rushing over as fast as possible not realizing that you actually had plenty of time.

You drummed your fingers on the surface of the table as you tried not to work yourself up too much. Evan was bringing a friend, that’s good! Right? You really wish that there was a guidebook to reaching out to the half sibling you never knew you had and how to not completely fuck it up.

The front door opened and you looked up to see Evan walking in hesitantly behind another boy who looked slightly annoyed with Evan’s behavior. He nudged Evan and asked him something, causing him to look around the cafe until he spotted you. You gave a small wave and what you hoped was a casual smile as they both locked eyes on you.

The other boy smirked and said something to Evan which made his face flush into a cherry red before he muttered something and shoved money into the laughing boy’s chest and headed your way.

You tilted your head and chuckled as Evan took a seat across from you, 

“Should I ask what that was all about or am I better off not knowing?”

Evan raised his hands in a placating manner and shook his head, “No no it’s just, he’s just a jerk. It would probably be better to not take everything he says seriously? Er, not that I’m telling you how to-”

You lifted a hand to cut him off before he went into a spiral, “Relax Evan, it’s fine. I’m not going to bite your head off or run out of here or anything like that.”

Evan’s tense shoulders dropped a bit as he let out a sigh and gave you a weak smile, “Sorry. I’m just not very good at um, talking to people. It’s not you it’s me.”

Evan wanted to slam his head against the table, “Oh my god that sounded like a breakup line why am I like this, I’m sorry.”

You giggled at the slip up just as his friend came up to the table with two drinks and cut into the conversation,

“Oh sure, so I can’t joke about your new sister being hotter than you but when I walk away for two seconds you’ve somehow managed to form a relationship and dump her without batting an eye.”

You snorted as Evan’s face lit up into a brilliant shade of red again as he whipped around to look at the other boy,

“J-Jared what the hell!”

Jared rolled his eyes fondly, “Just kidding dude relax.” He then turned his attention to you as he slid into the booth,

“Anyways, the name's Jared Kleinman, formerly known as the coolest guy in our grade senior year of high school, and no I don’t take autographs.”

Evan groaned and caved into his growing desire to faceplant into the table and wait for death to take him. You on the other hand, smirked and leaned back as you quipped back,

“Well then Jared Kleinman I’m _____ _____. Formerly known as that one crazy chick who outdrank the entire football team at a kegger then proceeded to bodysurf my way into a blackout and the world’s worst hangover known to mankind _my_ senior year of high school hell.”

Jared nearly spit out his drink and cackled loudly, causing Evan to curl in on himself, thinking that maybe if he did then they would draw less attention to themselves. Jared nudged Evan with his elbow and grinned widely,

“Dude your sister is fucking bomb. If I wasn’t gayer than a dolphin I would one hundred percent be on this. Be grateful for my sexuality and saving us from going from family friends to family.”

Evan turned his head so his cheek was resting on the table as he glared up at Jared,

“Never speak such cursed words to me again or I’ll break into your dorm and kill your Dark Souls character.”

You giggled at the exchange as you leaned forward, feeling a lot more comfortable already,

“So I take it that you two are close then?”

Jared grinned and nodded,

“Yup! Ever since like, kindergarten. His mom and mine were close as hell which obviously meant that we had to be around each other a lot. Got to the point where my parents held my car insurance over my head just to make sure that I spent time with him.”

Evan slowly sat up, his face significantly less red as he added,

“I still wonder if that’s your leading motivation sometimes.”

Jared gasped dramatically, “You wound me. Hey it could be worse, I could still be your only friend. I know I’ll always be second in line to your lover boy though.”

Aaaand Evan’s face was red again. You couldn’t help but think that Evan probably blushed a lot as he sputtered,

“W-What? Jared! It’s not like that. You know I’m aro anyways, c’mon man.”

Jared shrugged, “I’m just saying man, that bromance you two have got going on is practically a classic closet gay homoerotica plotline in the making.”

You placed your chin on your hands as you leaned forward and asked Evan with a playful grin, “So who’s this boyfriend or very close friend of yours that meme boy over here thinks you’re into?”

Evan groaned and buried his face in his hands, “Nooo not you too.”

You and Jared laughed. He extended his hand towards you for a fist bump that you reciprocated gladly while Evan glared at the both of you between his fingers,

“Why do I have a feeling you two are going to be a horrible combination that I’ll regret allowing to be created for years to come.”

You perked up at the comment and felt a small rush of hope run through you. Whether Evan realized what he had implied or not, he still had. That in itself was something you couldn’t deny made you really happy to hear.

Evan shook his head and sighed before returning to the topic at hand,

“He’s not my boyfriend or anything like that. Like I said I’m aro, although Connor is bi. Jared’s just jealous that Connor managed to become my best friend in the span of like, a year.”

Evan smirked at Jared as he grumbled into his coffee. His phone buzzed with a notification and he frowned at the screen as he swiped away the reminder. Had that much time passed already? Evan hadn’t noticed… he had surprisingly started to have a lot of fun.

You tilted your head and lowered your almost empty cup, “Everything ok Evan?”

He nodded and shoved his phone back into his pocket, “Y-Yeah, I just have to leave for work soon.”

You hummed thoughtfully at that, “I didn’t know you had a job! Where at?”

Evan rubbed the back of his neck, “I um, I work at pottery barn. I decided to take a gap year to save up. I might take some classes at the community college downtown next semester but besides that I don’t really know what I want to do yet.”

You smiled knowingly at this, “Yeah that’s totally fair. That’s what I almost ended up doing too to be honest. Even though I’m still not sure what I want to major in I still plan on knocking out all my GE classes as soon as possible." 

You grimaced as you added, “That being said, I’m not looking forward to having to be up and in class at eight freaking AM tomorrow morning.”

Jared perked up at this, “Tomorrow? You don’t happen to go to the state university do you?”

You nodded, “Yeah actually I do!”

“Huh, small world. I do too. Here exchange numbers and stuff with me so we can see if we have any classes together. I can send you embarrassing dirt on Evan too.” He chuckled as he slid his phone towards you.

Evan frowned as you entered your phone number and added yourself on snapchat on Jared’s phone.

“I hate you and you know it.”

Jared grinned and leaned into Evan, squishing him against the wall, “I think you mean you love me and you know it.”

Evan groaned and you laughed before handing Jared his phone back. The three of you parted ways after that. 

Evan thought to himself as Jared drove him to work that he was actually really glad that his friend had come along. It made everything feel a lot more natural, plus if it wasn’t for Jared he isn't sure if he ever would have actually worked up the nerve to do something like this.

As you drove back to your apartment you couldn’t help but think the same thing. You noticed how much less Evan had stuttered when he had someone familiar there to help take the pressure off of things. To be perfectly honest, it had helped you a lot too.

When you got home you looked at your phone to see a new text from Jared and a friend request on snapchat from Evan. You didn’t bother trying to hide the stupid grin on your face as you walked into the lobby of the complex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me outlining this chapter: dude this is so uneventful and you'll have nothing to write about  
> me halfway through actually writing this chapter: oh my fucking god this is a novel in itself and im gonna have to split it up
> 
> here's a general idea of what the studio apartment looks like! the couch is against the wall by the coffee table and stairs instead of that... dog... thing... http://cdn.home-designing.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/wood-paneling-apartment.jpg


	3. its a small world

You hated mornings. Fuck mornings. Who decided it was a good idea to have anything scheduled before ten.

You had gotten through your first two classes which had been back to back and you now had a half hour gap before the next one. You walked over to the coffee shop on campus and bought an overpriced mocha with two shots of espresso.

Even if several hours had passed and you were fully awake, you still felt exhausted and needed a jump-start to feel remotely like yourself again.

You pulled out your phone and looked at your schedule as you sipped your coffee. You had a world history lecture next and then art. You memorized the building and room number and pulled up a map of the school on the website before pocketing your phone and heading towards your next class.

You had a pretty packed semester despite being undeclared. You wanted to get as many general education classes out of the way as possible so that you could focus on your major and work. You couldn’t see yourself balancing much more than that by then.

The only class on your schedule that wasn’t completely necessary was the art class you had at the end of the day. The class met on Mondays and Thursdays and according to the email the classroom was open for a few hours on Wednesdays for office hours and use of supplies.

An arts class was needed to fill out your required courses but you didn’t have to pick one with such long class hours. But you wanted to and your application to skip the beginners class for the intermediate class was accepted so you decided to indulge yourself while you had the chance to.

You walked into your lecture class and looked around. Most of the students had already arrived and were grouped together in clusters throughout the lecture hall. You looked around and settled for a seat in an unoccupied section towards the middle of the room.

You scrolled on your phone as you waited for class to start and rolled your eyes at another silly filter pic Jared sent you on snapchat when you suddenly became aware of someone standing next to you.

You looked up to see a girl wearing clothes so nice you'd think she was going to a school with a dress code. She tilted her head and asked, “Is anyone sitting here?”

“Nope, go for it.” You shrugged. Based on the relieved expression the girl shot you before sitting down it was pretty fair to assume that like you, she didn’t really know anyone here.

You started to look back at your phone when the girl started talking to you,

“My name is Alana Beck by the way. I’m a first year and I’m doubling majoring in law and in women gender studies. I’ve also joined ten of the clubs on campus, including the mathematics team.”

You blinked as you processed the information that had just been practically thrown at you without warning. She looked at you expectantly so you responded slowly,

“Umm Hey. I’m ___ ____. Undeclared and also a freshman.”

If Alana noticed your hesitation she barreled over it completely as she began to over energetically talk your ear off about how she almost started as an undeclared because she had too many choices. She started talking about literally everything she could and by the time she had started laying out her life plan and how she’d be doing a masters degree at some big school like Harvard or Yale the teacher at the front of the lecture hall began class, cutting her off effectively.

You couldn’t be more grateful for the interruption as you both took out your notebooks and began to pay attention to the teacher. Alana didn’t seem like a bad person or anything but you felt like you were just one more minute shy of getting up and finding a different seat.

The class passed by uneventfully after that. You felt overwhelmed by the workload of the semester to come though. Your other two classes so far had fairly standard workloads but this class was just insane. The amount of large projects and essays on the syllabus had you wondering if you should switch out to a different class or put this one off for another semester before it was too late.

Once the class ended the hall filled with the sounds bustling of students talking to each other and heading out. You started putting your things back into your bag and jumped as Alana chirped,

“Wow what an amazing class this is going to be! I’ll have to start updating my calendar and go through all the assignments immediately. I may not be pursuing history but it has always fascinated me.”

You hummed noncommittally at this, figuring she would just continue regardless of whether you participated in the conversation or not. For someone who talked so much and had such… _strong_ energy, she had been so quiet and focused during the class you had almost forgotten she was there.

“____.” You looked up to see Alana watching you expectantly and realized she had asked you a question.

“Sorry what?”

She huffed, but the practiced smile on her face never faltered as she repeated herself, 

“I asked if you wanted to meet up later today to go over the first major assignment that will be due next month.”

You grimaced as you tried to think of a way to politely tell her there was no way in hell you’d spend more time with her if all she did was talk about herself nonstop. That’s what you would have preferred to do, but you realized that such a huge project wouldn’t be easy to do alone and you didn’t know any of the other students. Plus it seemed like most of them had grouped up or knew each other already. You didn’t really have many options here.

With a defeated sigh you asked for her phone and began to type in your contact information, “I have a two hour class right now but I’ll be free after that.”

Alana beamed as you handed her back her phone, “That’s great! I’ll let Zoe know right away and send you the details.”

You blinked as you tried to scan through the muted memories of Alana’s rambling that you had tuned out. You somewhat remember the name Zoe and her being Alana’s girlfriend and something about high school.

“Sounds good. I really need to get going though so we’ll talk later?”

Alana moved out of your way finally as she agreed, “Yes! I’m looking forward to it. I should get going myself as well. I wanted to talk to the professor about extra credit opportunities before heading out.”

You gave her a thumbs up before heading for the door. You pulled your phone out of your pocket to see where your next class was and swore. 

Alana apparently held you up longer than you had initially realized. Your class was starting in three minutes and it took five to ten minutes to get across campus.

You quickly pulled up the map on your screen and started running.

\---

You did everything but burst into your art class when you finally arrived after sprinting across campus. You should have told Alana you were going to be late if she held you up. It wouldn’t have even been a lie because you were. Granted it was only by like two minutes but you still couldn’t help but feel somewhat bitter.

You found an empty seat towards the back next to some guy who had his earbuds in and was sketching quietly. You were grateful for this, not wanting to come off as the weird girl who came in late and was breathing super heavily from running to the person with the only empty seat next to him.

The teacher had luckily only just begun and didn’t seem to mind your late entrance. She pulled up the syllabus on the projector and said that she was going to go through roll before getting started just so she could get everyone’s names down and that it wouldn’t be a regular part of future classes.

You noticed the guy next to you still had his earbuds in and hadn’t looked up from his sketchbook once. It seemed like he hadn’t even noticed you sit next to him, let alone that class had started.

You hesitated for a moment before gently poking his shoulder. A part of you realized he might have been startled by it, but you weren’t expecting the full blown irritation in his face as he glared up at you. He looked like he wanted to snap you in half just for being in the same space as him.

You suddenly understood why no one was sitting here. You tapped your ear to tell him to take off one of his earbuds. He only stared at you for a moment before begrudgingly removing one.

“What.”

You frowned at how short he was being with you. All you were doing was trying to make sure he didn’t miss roll.

“Class started. I just figured you didn’t notice… Sorry.”

A quick flash of what could have been considered regret passed over his face but was gone before anyone would have been able to see it. Not that it mattered anyways, the moment you finished speaking you looked away from him to get your things out of your bag.

You raised your hand when your name was called and noticed that the boy next to you had taken his earbuds out. He was resting his chin on his hand as he looked out the window.

The teacher finished calling roll and you couldn’t help but notice that the guy next to you was never called on. The class moved on as she proceeded to read through the syllabus and answered questions.

All of it was pretty standard. The class was two hours long so you weren’t surprised that she had an assignment for them already.

“Alright, we have a little over an hour left for today so I want to spend the rest of the time having you all get to know each other a bit while I get an idea of where everyone is at.”

She explained that she wanted everyone to introduce themselves to the person next to them and that they all had to turn in a sketch of the person they were next to and incorporate something that they liked or something that you thought suited them into the piece.

The class began bustling with energy as students turned to each other and began discussing the assignment and introducing themselves. You bit your lip and looked over to confirm that the boy next to you was still looking away from you.

Not wanting to upset him by touching him again, you spoke up enough to hope he knew you were talking to him,

“Um…” You drifted off realizing you.. really had no idea what to say. He didn’t turn to look at you but said,

“Connor Murphy. Technically not in this class. I don’t really care what you draw.”

You crossed your arms and frowned as you quipped back shortly,

“____ ____. In this class. Did nothing wrong. Would appreciate it if you could at least stop looking away long enough for me to be able to draw your fucking emo face.”

For a moment he didn’t move and you wondered if you’d just have to ask the teacher if you could do something else or join a group. Movement under the desk caught your eye and you glanced down to see him clench and unclench his fist before he turned to stare at you darkly.

You sighed and let yourself memorize as much of his appearance as you could, not knowing if you’d be able to look up for reference and have it actually be there.

“Thanks.”

He just shrugged and started at you for a moment more before putting his earbuds in again and opening a new page in his sketchbook. It wasn’t long before you had done the same. You usually worked better with music to drown out the busy noises around you, plus it was obvious there was no room between you two for any small talk.

You let your frustrations fade to the back of your mind as you began to sketch a figure of someone sitting at their desk looking out at the window. Despite his rough personality and the very few negative interactions you two had in the past hour, the sketch brought a sense of calm to you.

You occasionally glanced up to see that he was working on his own version of the assignment. His arm was blocking your view of it but you were actually kind of grateful for that. You didn’t want to know how he was probably drawing some demonized version of you or something along those lines. For all you knew he could be not even doing the assignment at all to begin with.

Your pencil stopped as you paused long enough to get an actual good look at him. The way the sun filtered through his dark wavy hair made it look like there were shining golden strands mixed in with the dark brown. When he was concentrated on drawing and the tense expressions were replaced with a lax focus he looked almost ethereal. For just a moment you couldn’t help but think that he was actually really beautiful.

A small part of you kicked yourself for thinking of someone that was clearly such a dick in that sort of light, but for the most part you were inspired so you listened to that part instead.

The rest of the class passed by in a blur as you got lost in your work. You weren’t some super amazing artist or anything but you had taken classes in high school and really enjoyed drawing. Not to the point of wanting to pursue it or anything but it was a calming thing for you to do when the world became too much.

By the time the teacher had announced that time was up for the assignment you had gotten a lot of the drawing done. You were originally planning on just doing something quick and simple but it had gotten away from you before you knew it.

You signed your name at the lower right corner of the page and tore it out carefully before going up to the front of the class and handing it to the teacher. You quirked an eyebrow as you noticed the teacher carefully putting the drawings through a scanner but sat back down without saying anything.

The class was filled with mindless chatter for the next few minutes until the teacher clapped to get everyone’s attention.

“Alright so as a few of you noticed, I went ahead and scanned everyone’s drawings. I’ll be looking at them all in my own time and will give you a copy of them with my feedback next class. But for now I’d like you all to come up and collect your pieces.”

The class followed her instruction and most had packed up by the time everyone had their pieces back. The teacher gathered everyone’s attention again and smirked knowingly at her students,

“You can all head out now but before you do I want you to trade pieces with your partner. These will be for you to keep and I don’t want to find out that anybody hung on to their own sketch.”

You felt your face flush and a pit of dread in your stomach as you looked down at your closed sketchbook that had the drawing tucked between the pages. You were suddenly painfully aware of the single slip of paper and didn’t have the nerve to look up at Connor who was equally quiet at the final instruction.

The majority of the class did as they were told and began to file out, but neither you nor Connor had made any move to do either of these things.

It wasn’t until there were only a few other people still around that you mentally said fuck it and flipped your sketchbook open. You pulled out the piece and flipped it upside down so you wouldn’t have to see his reaction to the extremely embarrassing piece you did.

He stared at it for a moment before slowly reaching towards it to pick it up. You flinched and slammed your hand on the paper before he could.

He jumped and looked at you with a look that you couldn’t quite decipher. You blushed and stammered out as you lifted your hand,

“S-Sorry just um, if you could just.. not look at it until I’ve left I’d really appreciate that.”

Connor quirked an eyebrow at you and shrugged before pulling out his piece and doing the same thing,

“Whatever. Just as long as it goes both ways I guess.”

You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you had been holding and took the paper and tucked it into your sketchbook before standing.

“Um, thanks. I’ll just um… bye.”

You kept your head down and rushed out of the classroom doing your best not to run and just walk briskly. None of the past few hours had gone as you thought it would at all and you were very much ready for the day to be over.

The sketchbook in your hand felt heavy. You decided you wouldn’t look. Not today at least. You probably wouldn’t last that long but for now you decided to just tell yourself that you wouldn't look yet.

Once you were sitting in your car in the parking lot you finally let the tension melt from your body completely. You pulled out your phone to see that you’d been adding to a group chat with Alana and her girlfriend Zoe.

They’d told you the time to come over and had given you Zoe’s address. Alana had typed out what looked like half a battle plan before Zoe gently suggested that they not blow up your phone and just wait until you came over.

You were extremely grateful for that and had a feeling you’d like Zoe more than Alana. You sighed as you turned the key and pulled out of the parking lot.

You had enough time to go home, drop off some stuff, and get some food before heading over. It would be good to have a little bit of time to yourself to reset anyways.

\----

Connor watched as you left and frowned. He had promised Evan he’d try to be nicer or some shit like that but he’d only sat in on the art class once and he’d already broken that promise. He couldn’t help but think that the way you got flustered towards the end of class reminded him of how Evan would act the same way when they first met.

Between being startled as all hell from when you touched him to get his attention to the forced social interaction from the assignment, he had more or less lost his grip on any control he had of the situation right off the bat. The best he could do was try to keep his mouth shut as much as possible instead of lashing out at this random chick that had the misfortune of sitting next to him.

He looked down at the paper in front of him and quirked an eyebrow. He had been a mix of pissed off and somewhat impressed when you snapped back at him. More of the former at first, but the rehab his parents forced him to go to during summer hadn’t been a complete waste of time. He was actually somewhat proud of himself for not going off on her and keeping himself in check.

He picked up the paper with a frown, not really caring if his crinkled the edges a bit. It was probably just the bare ass minimum of the assignment or something mocking him. He figured he could just toss it out on the way out of the classroom but instead when he flipped it over his eyes widened and he inhaled sharply.

The drawing of him was mostly monochrome. It was an image of him looking out the window with his earbuds in and his chin resting on his hand. He didn’t look as hard and angry as he always felt he almost looked… peaceful. He admired the way you had worked with the lighting but what really had him reeling were the flowers.

The assignment had been to draw the person with something they liked or something that reminded the artist of them incorporated in it. He hadn’t given her anything to work with. The last thing he expected were the blossoms of color scattered across the page.

Some of the flowers were lying on the desk in front of him, while others were resting on the open windowsill. His fingers barely ghosted over them as he wracked his brain for the limited flower language he knew from Evan gushing about something nature related that wasn’t trees for once.

The blue rose petals… those meant mystery if he remembered right. The purple petunias represented anger and bitter resentment, ok that was fair. He remembered looking through websites with Evan and deciding that he related to that flower the most. Evan wasn’t amused but Connor had felt pretty proud of himself at the time.

The last one was a single white calla lily that the sketch version of him twirled in the free hand that was resting on the desk. He didn’t know what that one meant at all.

The sound of footsteps approaching brought him back to reality as he looked up and saw the teacher standing right in from of him with a knowing smile. He glanced around and realized he was the only one still there.

“Glad you’re still here, I wanted to talk to you actually.” She said as she pulled up a chair from the desk in front of his and sat down.

She looked down to see the drawing in his hand and said, “Oh that one belonged to ____ right? I didn’t get a good look at all the drawings but this one was definitely one of my favorites.”

He didn’t really know what to say so he just gave a small nod, “Yeah… Um, so you said you wanted to talk to me right?”

She nodded and looked up to him. Now that he looked at her, he realized that she wasn’t actually too much older than the majority of the class. Maybe ten, fifteen years max.

“I noticed you’re not in the class roster. I don’t mind you sitting in at all, in fact I encourage it. I saw your piece and it was fantastic. I just wanted to ask why you weren’t enrolled in the class? It wasn’t capped out, I know I still had room for a student or two.”

Connor frowned and put down the paper in his hands, “I’m not a student here. I’m taking a gap year to get my shit together and _“decide what I want to do with my future”_ as my dad put it. I know what I want to pursue but he doesn’t see it as a real career and my mom lacks the backbone to say any different.”

The teacher hummed at this, “You want to be an artist. I won’t lie it’s a tough fucking industry so I can kind of see where your dad is coming from. At the same time though the majority of me wholeheartedly and with all due respect says fuck him and fuck that.”

Connor’s mouth dropped as she looked at him seriously before breaking out into laughter, “Ok fuck, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a teacher cuss or call out my dad like that before.”

She smirked and shrugged, “You have no idea how many people face the same issue. A lot of people look down on any artistic industry despite the amount of media consumption they rely on to stay sane is from said industries. One of the only ways to actually make it is to know that you’re going to have a lot of people who don’t believe in you and do what you want anyways.”

Connor barked out a harsh laugh, “Well no worries there. I’ve had plenty of experience with shit like that my whole life.”

The teacher responded, “Looks like we’re in the same unsupportive family club then. What’s your name?”

“Connor.”

She nodded and stood up, “Well then Connor, I expect to see you on Thursday and the classes after that or I will gladly kick your ass for dropping out of my class. If things with your educational situation changes I can vouch for you to get the credits for this class, write a letter of recommendation, whatever you need.”

Connor blinked, he hadn’t ever had someone so bluntly been supportive of him like this before aside from Evan or on extremely rare occasion, Jared.

“Wow uh, thanks? That’s actually really cool of you uh…”

The teacher smirked, “Just call me Riley. I prefer students use my first name, anything else just makes me feel old.”

Connor nodded, “Alright cool, uh thanks Riley. I appreciate it.”

She nodded and turned to walk back to her desk when Connor found himself asking, “Oh uh, by the way. Do you know what the white flower in this drawing means?”

Riley turned back to look at the drawing before she let out a breath of amusement. “It means beautiful.”

Connor’s eyes widened before he quickly put the drawing in his sketchbook and shoved it into his bag. He stood up and muttered a quick thank you as he left the classroom. He was pretty sure he heard Riley chuckle but was more focused on the word repeating in his head and the image of your sketch in his mind.

_“Mysterious. Bitterly resentful. Beautiful.”_

\----

You sighed as you pulled up and parked in front of what had to be one of the biggest houses in one of the riches neighborhoods you had seen in your life. You double checked the address and grimaced when it only confirmed that you were in the right place.

You had gone through a lot of changes and dealt with a lot of new people in the past forty-eight hours, you were socially burnt out and the pressure of going into a house like this and meeting whatever plastic perfect family that was most likely in there had you feeling the twinge of an oncoming migraine already.

For a moment you considered just driving back home and saying that something came up, but before you could, your phone lit up with a text from Alana in the group chat.

**“Hey ____ is that your car in front of the house? Come on in!! We should get started right away.”**

With a groan you shoved your phone in your pocket and grabbed your bag from the passenger’s seat and headed towards the house. The door was already being held open by Alana who was directing what had to be a practiced grin your way as you walked in.

“It’s great to see you ____. Just go ahead and head into the living room. I hope you don’t mind but I couldn’t resist starting a bit while we waited. Go ahead and take off your shoes if you want to but if not that’s fine too!”

You chuckled uncomfortably as she closed the door behind you. You weren’t the type to be pushed around by any means but you found Alana to be draining and it seemed like it was more or less impossible to get in a word edgewise once she fixated on something.

With the way Alana had brought you in, you wondered if you misread the texts from earlier and were at her house and not Zoe’s. You followed her into the living room to see another girl close to your age sitting on the floor in between the couch and coffee table.

She looked up from her notebook and waved, “Hey, you’re ____ right? I’m Zoe.”

You waved back and set yourself up on the other table as Alana returned to her spot on the floor and gushed,

“This is my girlfriend, she’s incredibly smart and talented. She tested out of most of her high school classes and is getting a head start on her GE classes despite still finishing her senior year. She has the same class with the same professor that we do, just at a different time.”

Zoe’s face flushed and she quickly looked down at her lap as she muttered, “Alana it’s not that big of a deal. You don’t have to tell everyone we meet about stuff like that.”

Alana looked over to her girlfriend and sighed before leaning over and kissing her cheek, 

“I’m sorry sweetie, I just get really excited. I’m so proud of you and can’t help but want everyone else to know how amazing you are.”

Zoe’s face turned a shade darker as she squeezed Alana’s hand under the table. Despite still not being the biggest fan of Alana you couldn’t deny how incredibly adorable these two were. 

You smiled and did your best not to embarrass Zoe any further as you commented, “That is really amazing though Zoe. I don’t blame Alana for being so proud. You two are super cute and it’s cool that you guys have such a supportive relationship.”

Alana’s cheeks darkened with a blush now too before responding, “Well thank you ____. That’s really kind of you to say.”

After that the three of you cracked down on the assignment. For the most part you just spent the time trying to break down the assignment and figure out the best ways to split it between the group and when it was best to meet up again to do the parts of it that needed everyone to be on the same page for.

The project involved a pretty big presentation the week that it was all due. You weren’t the biggest fan of public speaking but you weren’t horrible at it either. You had a feeling that despite Alana’s reassurance that she _“wouldn’t take the spotlight”_ that she would still wind up doing most of the talking. Which was more than fine with you.

About an hour passed, in which Zoe’s mom had entered and offered the three of you snacks. Alana and Zoe both cheerfully said yes but the second Cynthia was out of the room they looked at you with panicked urgency as they whispered not to eat anything Cynthia brought and to just hide it in your bag.

Apparently Cynthia could be a good cook when she wasn’t on some new trend or lifestyle phase, but those periods of normalcy came once in a blue moon. 

You made the mistake of saying “Oh it can’t be that bad” and then proceeded to nearly die when you took a bite out of what was supposedly meant to be some sort of vegan cookie. Alana and Zoe both just laughed as they reminded you that they warned you.

You rolled your eyes and proceeded to put a few wrapped up cookies in your bag as instructed. The three of you had pretty much finished what you had set out to do and were just chatting when the front door suddenly was thrown open, causing Zoe to flinch and Alana’s natural smile to sharpen into something forced.

You looked at the two with concern before looking up towards the front door to see who had come in. Your eyes widened as you locked eyes with the equally surprised gaze of Connor Murphy.

He looked between you, Alana, and Zoe and stood there awkwardly before he directed his attention back to you as he asked, “Uhhh, what are you doing here?”

You adjusted yourself uncomfortably, noticing that now all eyes in the room were now on you as you answered, “I have a group project with Alana and Zoe. Alana’s in my history class and uh… yeah.”

The room filled with thick awkward silence before he mumbled a quiet "whatever" and headed upstairs without another word. Alana and Zoe’s tense postures instantly melted as they both let out a sigh. Zoe looked up at you with a now curious but guarded expression as she asked,

“How do you know my brother?”

You bit your lip, feeling like you were in the middle of something you shouldn’t be as you answered, “He was in my art class a couple hours ago. We sat next to each other.”

Zoe’s eyes widened as she muttered, “He said he wasn’t going to do it when I suggested it over summer. I can’t believe he actually changed his mind…”

You couldn’t tell if she was talking to you anymore or herself, probably a mix of both. Alana cleared her throat as she interjected,

“Well I think today has been quite productive. We should wrap things up here.”

You noticed that Alana made no move to pack up her stuff to leave. You felt a small pang of annoyance at the fact that Alana was basically just telling you to leave but it was fine. You had to go home and feed Luna anyway plus you had a feeling Zoe needed time to... work through whatever was going through her mind right now.

You quickly packed up your laptop and notebook before standing up and looking down at Zoe.

“Thanks for letting me come over and stuff.”

She continued to stare off into the distance, clearly lost in thought until Alana nudged her leg and brought her back to reality.

“Oh, uh! Yeah it’s no problem. It was fun.” She offered a weak smile that you returned before heading towards the front door.

You quickly popped into the kitchen and thanked Cynthia for the cookies to which she lit up considerably at. She told you that you were welcome to come over any time and that she would be happy to cook again for any friend of her daughter. After politely thanking her you stepped out, praying that you would never be in a position to actually eat her food again.

You were just about to head out when you heard a voice behind you,

“Hey wait.”

You jumped in place before turning around to see Connor looking at you from halfway up the unlit staircase.

He frowned and almost looked like he was just going to go back upstairs without saying anything again but instead tightened his grip on the handrail and said,

“I’m sorry about earlier. And uh, the drawing you did was good.”

You could almost see Connor mentally slap himself for how awkwardly that came out and couldn’t help but let out a small breath of amusement. His eyes whipped back towards you and he looked like he would take the sound the wrong way any second so you slipped your bag higher up your shoulder and responded,

“Well, thanks. For the apology and the compliment I mean. I appreciate it.”

Connor relaxed a bit at this before stiffening up again as he asked in a rushed voice, “Did you look at mine?”

You paused for a moment before you shook your head and answered honestly, “No uh, not yet. It’s back at my apartment.”

He considered this for a moment before simply saying, “Okay.”

You couldn’t tell if he was relieved you hadn’t seen it yet or disappointed but you weren’t going to pry. “Okay.”

The two of you stood there for a moment before Connor said, “So uh, I’ll see you on Thursday I guess.”

You gave him a half smile, “Yeah. See you Thursday.”

He nodded and immediately went back upstairs and you walked out the front door. Both of you failed to notice that the entire interaction had been close enough to the living room for Zoe and Alana to listen in.

For a moment the two just sat there as the house fell silent. Alana looked down at her girlfriend and asked quietly, “Are you ok?”

Zoe stared at the staircase where her brother had been just a moment ago and thoughtfully responded, “Yeah… I just need to think for a bit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F's in the fucking chat for the murphy family's relationship. it's better than it used to be but hasn't been unfucked by any means


	4. nothing is black and white

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me writing this story and pulling the plotline out of thin air as i go: https://youtu.be/6f1-QF9jvBM?t=132

The next couple days had passed by fairly uneventfully. You and Jared didn’t have any classes together and thank the fucking gods above you only had the one class with Alana.

You had a streak going with Jared on snapchat and had gotten a couple tree pictures from Evan to which you responded with pictures of the sky or a cool plant nearby or anything you thought he might be interested in.

You could tell he was still anxious when it came to you, but he told you small things like the pictures were good because it wasn’t something hard to interpret and it didn’t come with the attached social anxieties that texting or calls tended to.

The only odd thing was you had received a text from Zoe last night asking if you could come over after your classes were done for the day and she got out of jazz band rehearsal. 

You asked if something was up and she had just responded with an ominous “it would be better if we just waited until you came over to talk about it.”

You informed her that she had you worried now and she had apologized but then asked again if you would come over tonight.

Not wanting to delay the apparently inevitable, you agreed and told her you’d text her before coming over.

\----

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Connor looked surprised to see you come up to him, you had gotten to class early enough that you could have sat somewhere else and avoided dealing with him again and you both knew it. Yet for some reason here you were. 

You tugged on the sleeve of you jacket and shifted uncomfortably as you asked,

“Is anyone sitting here or..?”

“Uh no, go for it.”

You sat down and pulled out your stuff, keeping your gaze in front of you. By the time you had all your art supplies in front of you and your phone on the table you realized you had nothing to say.

Things felt awkward. Really awkward. You were starting to wonder if you should have sat somewhere else after all.

Your phone buzzed and you looked down to see the lock screen light up with a new notification from Jared. You picked it up and opened the snapchat and snorted at the video he sent you of Evan napping under a tree while Jared kept dropping grass on Evan's face to see when it would wake him up.

**“Stop bullying him, he’s absolute precious baby you fool.”**

Jared immediately responded with a bunch of offended looking emojis,

**“I am completely innocent how dare”**

You rolled your eyes and typed back with a small smile on your lips,

**“Sure you are :P”**

You shut off your phone and placed it back on the desk when you realized that Connor was staring at you. You looked up at him and your eyes locked with his before you looked away, feeling unnerved by his silent gaze.

“Ummm…”

“How do you know Kleinman?”

He didn’t sound upset but you could practically feel his apprehension as you shrugged, deciding not to point out that it was rude to look at other people’s phones,

“He’s friends with my half-sibling. We met the other day, why?”

Connor leaned back and blinked in surprise before he frowned at you, “You’re the half-sister. The one that showed up out of nowhere at Evan’s place.”

It was your turn to be surprised as you quirked an eyebrow and looked up at him,

“You know Evan..? Oh!”

You felt like an idiot. You’re not entirely sure how you hadn’t put two and two together. Evan and Jared had mentioned being friends with someone named Connor. You just didn’t realize it was the same Connor as the guy who sat next to you and was about as approachable as a porcupine.

“You’re his friend. The really close one that Jared and Evan talked about.”

His eyes widened and the frown disappeared for a moment. He hadn’t know that they had mentioned him at all. He’d never admit it out loud but it made him feel a little happy to hear that Evan and Jared felt comfortable being associated with him. 

Evan had always said that things like that didn’t matter and he cared more about Connor than something like his already nonexistent reputation and Jared would always just joke about something along the lines of it making him look like a kind soul or some shit. But actually hearing about it from someone else was new.

That being said, the frown returned and his gaze sharpened as he brought his thoughts back to the topic at hand. He didn’t have much to go off of but when Evan had gotten into his car shaken up the way he was, Connor immediately had it out for whoever put his best friend in that state.

He always hated it when Evan looked that fragile. The last time he’d seen Evan like this was when his dad called and asked if Evan would come over for a week during summer despite all the bullshit he pulled only a few months prior.

His opinion didn’t change much after Evan filled him in at the orchard. He didn’t trust whoever this random chick was. It was all too sudden and he knew Heidi, she wouldn’t- ok yeah she would hide something like this from Evan but that didn't prove anything.

Evan had texted him a couple nights later saying he had met up with you again, this time at a coffee shop with Jared. He kept his mouth shut because Evan seemed like he was beginning to like the idea of getting to know you but Connor was still on high alert.

He had seen Evan go through this before. He watched Evan get his hopes up when his dad started reaching out again and he had been helpless to do anything as his best friend ended up completely shattered in the end. All because of how shitty his dad is and his bullshit ulterior motives.

Connor wouldn't let that happen again. He refused to watch the person who saved him fall apart like that again if he could.

“Yeah that’s me and just know that if you hurt him I won’t hesitate to make your life a living hell.”

You blinked, completely thrown off by the threat that Connor practically growled at you. Your confusion quickly turned into anger though as you threw your hands up,

“Seriously Connor? What the actual fuck. I’ve literally done nothing to you _or_ to Evan. Do you honest to god think I would come out here just to fuck up my last chance at maybe having a fucking family?”

Connor’s glare faltered as he opened his mouth to say something but you cut him off,

“No. Don’t. Just. Fuck you. I thought that maybe after the last time we talked things might be different but you’re still the same dick who treated me like crap on the first day of class just for having the _audacity_ to breathe in the same space as you.”

You grabbed your stuff and stood up abruptly. Most of the class had filled up the seats already but there was still a seat open at the desk right in front of Connor. 

It wasn’t much of a distance change at all but at least you wouldn’t have to look at him. You were pissed off and took that as enough of a win as you settled into your new spot.

If you had looked up you might have noticed Riley look between the two of you while shaking her head to herself with a frown before plastering a smile on her face and starting the class.

\---

Connor fucked up.

He fucked up bad and it didn’t take seeing you hunched over your desk scribbling furiously in your sketchbook for him to know that. 

He winced as he heard you make a particularly harsh stroke across the page. He was kind of surprised you hadn’t torn through the paper yet.

Riley had told them all to do a warm up sketch from the list of prompts she had given them during their first class. Connor had picked one randomly and was on autopilot as his mind focused on the fact that he pissed off Evan’s new sister that bad.

What was Evan going to say? He’d be so disappointed in Connor when he found out, and Connor _knew_ Evan would find out. There was no way in hell you weren’t going to go running to Evan to tell him what a jackass his best friend was to you.

Connor wanted to protect Evan. That much hadn’t changed at all. But pissing you off wasn’t the way to do it and wow if hindsight wasn’t a bitch.

The rest of the class passed by for Connor in a blur. His mind went through a hundred different scenarios of how things would go and he felt himself become painfully numb as he considered how many of them involved you taking Evan away from him.

When Riley finally dismissed the class he watched as you shoved all your belongings into your bag and stormed past him without sparing a second glance.

Connor wanted to scream. Or hit something. But he knew he couldn’t do either of those things.

He headed out to his car and threw his bag carelessly before slamming the car door the second he got in. He yanked open the glove compartment and pulled out his vape pen.

It was one of those days. 

Connor had cleared most of his weed shit out of his car after hanging out with Evan and ending up having to drive Zoe to and from college often enough, but he still had one of his pens in there for "special" occasions.

He took a hit and inhaled deeply, relishing in the familiar sting that spread through his lungs. He exhaled and watched the puff of sweet smelling smoke come out of his mouth before turning on the ignition and blaring the fuck on out of there.

If his world was about to fall apart again he might as well get stoned out of his mind before it happened and a pen wasn’t going to be enough to get him there.

\---

You had been lying on your bed with Luna and frowning at your phone for the better part of an hour now with no luck at clearing your mind at all. You had tried to get some of your homework out of the way, but couldn’t focus for the life of you.

You were still upset from art class despite taking out most of your frustrations through drawing. You were supposed to drive over to Zoe’s house in a half hour and it was honestly the last place you wanted to be after the shit that Connor pulled only a few hours ago.

You texted Zoe and asked if there was any way you two could talk somewhere other than her house. You didn’t want to deal with Connor anymore today, or _ever_ for that matter.

Zoe said that her parents wouldn’t be home until later that night and that there was a high chance Connor wouldn’t be around if he didn’t have to be. 

Plus she didn’t want to leave without her parents knowing on a school night and possibly get in trouble for it.

If it wasn’t for how out of it Zoe was the last time you saw her and her concerning texts, you would have cancelled or rescheduled. But you would be lying if you said you weren’t a little worried about her.

You cursed at yourself as you punched the address into your gps app and headed over to the Murphy’s neighborhood for the second time that week despite not wanting to on both occasions.

\---

Zoe smiled weakly at you as she led you into her room. It was so… girly. It looked like someone had grabbed one of the room sets that disney channel would use for some preteen early 2000’s show and shoved it into their house. 

You walked over and sat on the bed before drumming your fingers on your leg uncomfortably,

“Sooo… you wanted to talk to me about something?”

Zoe tucked some of her hair behind her ear as she sat down on the other side of the bed and nodded,

“Yeah um, it’s about my brother actually.”

_Fuck._

You instantly regretted not listening to your inner voice of reason. You did not want to be here.

As if she sensed your discomfort, Zoe shifted on the bed so she was facing you and tried to look like she wasn’t about to lead you into a heavy conversation that you didn’t sign up for.

“I just thought it would be unfair to you if I didn’t warn you about him. You didn’t grow up here or go to our high school so you don’t really have any way of knowing what you probably should...”

“Ok?” You shrugged, still on guard and not particularly liking where any of this was going.

“I’m just saying you should be careful around him or even better, just stay away from him as much as you can. You don’t know him, he’s explosive, especially in school settings. You should just keep your distance from him, it’s safer that way.”

You inhaled sharply and closed your eyes for a moment to consider your words. You had a feeling there was a lot more to all of this than you knew, but you weren’t going to sugarcoat your thoughts on the matter either.

It wouldn’t be fair to anyone if you did.

“Look Zoe.” You started slowly, 

“He’s your brother, I get that. You know him a lot better than I do and I’m not going to overlook that. But at the same time I’m not going to run away from someone based off of what other people say about them.”

Zoe shook her head in frustration. She looked like she wanted to cut in, but kept her gaze locked with yours as she waited for you to finish.

“To be honest? I don’t know much about him other than he’s a dick and seems to hate me just for existing. Maybe that’s normal for him, maybe not. I don’t really care. I appreciate you trying to look out for me and I don’t want to invalidate your experiences or feelings but I’m not going to judge Connor or avoid him based on what other people think of him. Any interaction I have or don’t have with Connor is my choice as much as it is his.”

Zoe’s mouth dropped open slightly. She hadn’t really expected that from you at all and seemed to be at a loss for words. 

Despite the confident face you were fighting to keep up you felt pretty similar to how Zoe looked. You don’t really know where that came from.

You didn’t necessarily defend Connor but you didn’t sit quiet while Zoe dragged his name through the mud either.

Zoe’s expression became closed off and her voice was laced with a cold venom as she scoffed and shook her head, “If that’s what you want then that’s fine. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

With that she stood up quickly and turned away from you as she clutched onto the bedpost next to her so tight that her knuckles turned white.

You grimaced and reached carefully towards Zoe, “Look I’m sorry ok? For what it’s worth it’s not like he even likes me or anything. I know we just met but I had fun the other day. I don’t want this to change how things are between us.”

Zoe’s shoulders slumped and her head dropped as her grip loosened on the post. She sighed and turned towards you with a tired smile. She sounded more like herself when she stepped back towards the bed and said,

“I don’t want that either. The only reason why I was so worried was because-”

Zoe was interrupted as a flash of black moved past her and her eyes widened.

One second it was just the two of you and the next Connor was suddenly in front of you with a dark expression and bloodshot eyes.

“Uh-”

"Connor!?"

He grabbed your arm and dragged you out of the room, ignoring your yelp of pain at the sudden action.

Before you knew it he had practically shoved you into his room and growled, “Wait here.”

You were about to unleash quite a colorful arrangement of profanities on him when he slammed the door in your face before you had the chance.

You stepped forward to open the door but froze when you heard it lock…. from the outside.

Connor had already stormed off and was in Zoe’s room. It was only a matter of seconds before you heard their raised voices but you couldn’t make enough out of it to know what they were saying.

Your attention was more focused on the door as you stepped forward and placed your hand on the handle. You tugged down on it only to be met with resistance.

It really was locked from the outside. And there was no way to unlock it from the inside of Connor’s room.

You stepped back from the door and whispered shakily as you started at the handle like it had burned you, “What the fuck?”

\---

Connor was grateful that his old dealer didn’t ask any questions or treat him any different despite Connor going MIA on him for the past eight months.

It was just as detached as it had always been and he was grateful that this was at least something that stayed consistent in his life. Meet in their usual spot, smoke a joint together, talk shit, and part ways with a quick cash exchange.

When Connor came home he noticed two things. One, his parents weren’t home, which meant he wouldn’t have to deal with another fight with Larry over his bloodshot eyes and his clothes smelling like weed... For now anyways.

The second thing he noticed was that Zoe wasn’t home alone like he expected her to be. He frowned as he closed the front door behind him quietly. The last thing he wanted to deal with was Zoe and Alana tag teaming against him with his sister’s usual anger and Alana’s _“concern”_.

As he headed upstairs though he realized that it wasn’t Alana who was with Zoe.

It was you.

For a second he wondered if he had really started coming down from his high or not, but as he stopped outside of Zoe’s room and listened from the hallway he came to terms with the fact that he was sobered up enough to know that you were really there for some fucking reason.

“I’m just saying you should be careful around him. You don’t know him, he’s explosive, especially in school settings. You should just keep your distance from him, it’s safer that way.”

Connor felt sick. He knew that things between him and Zoe weren’t fixed or healed by any means but it still stung like hell to hear her literally telling people to stay away from him.

He didn’t want to listen to this. He wasn’t going to sit there while the two of him shit talked him.

Connor turned to head back downstairs and get the fuck out of the house but froze as your voice stopped him,

“Look Zoe. He’s your brother, I get that. You know him a lot better than I do and I’m not going to overlook that. But at the same time I’m not going to run away from someone based off of what other people say about them.”

His eyes widened as you continued,

“To be honest? I don’t know much about him other than he’s a dick and seems to hate me just for existing. Maybe that’s normal for him, maybe not. I don’t really care. I appreciate you trying to look out for me and I don’t want to invalidate your experiences or feelings but I’m not going to judge Connor or avoid him based on what other people think of him. Any interaction I have or don’t have with Connor is my choice as much as it is his.”

Holy shit. Ok maybe Connor was still high because _what the actual fuck?_

For a second all he heard was tense silence. It was obvious that Zoe was reeling too, even if he couldn’t see her face he knew that what you just said was the last thing she expected.

He could practically feel the ice in Zoe’s voice as she scoffed, “If that’s what you want then that’s fine. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Connor couldn’t take this anymore. The next thing he knew he had locked you in his room because despite the chaotic rush of noise in his head he knew that he needed to talk to you.

But first Zoe.

She was standing by her bedroom door and looked perplexed as all hell.

“Connor what the fuck are you doing? Did you just lock ____ in your room? You can’t do that! Connor are you even listening to me?”

Connor shook his head and stormed past his sister and into her bedroom as he fumed,

“Honestly? No I’m really fucking not. I stopped listening to you when I dragged ____ out of here. If all you’re going to do is tell people to stay the fuck away from the monster that is your brother then you can't really blame me if I don’t want to hear that crap.”

Zoe recoiled and almost looked guilty before she was filled with anger again, “You mean you were eavesdropping? My conversations are private Connor you can’t just-”

Connor whipped around and hissed, “Don’t fucking talk to me about privacy. Larry doesn’t dig through your room every week for drugs or take away your fucking bedroom door for a year only to replace it as a way to trap me in a fucking cage like an animal.”

“Don’t take out your issues with Dad on me! That has nothing to do with me and you know it!”

Connor let out a harsh laugh, “Oh you’re damn fucking right I know it. You’ve always just sat there and pretended that if you just looked away enough I’d disappear and your life would be perfect again. It didn’t matter if they were in the right or not, as long as you kept quiet and played the part of their perfect fucking child then you couldn’t care less right?”

Zoe shook as hot tears rolled down her face, “That’s not fucking true you asshole! Of course it matters to me! But when was the last time I could talk to you let alone be on the same side as you? _I can’t fight for my brother if he doesn’t even exist anymore!_ ”

Connor’s fury was suddenly snuffed out as Zoe wailed and sunk down to her knees. He felt all the fire in him die to the buckets of icy nausea and regret that washed over him as he watched his sister curl in on herself and sob.

He took a step forward and almost reached out towards her but stopped himself. He did this. He always did this. He destroyed everything around him. He had been destroying Zoe for most of their lives.

As much as he wanted to point fingers at his family for not understanding or lash out at all the people who treated him like a ticking time bomb, in this moment he didn’t have anyone else to blame but himself and his fucked up head.

His hand fell to his side as Zoe said frantically between sobs, “I can’t, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore. I _can’t_ …”

Connor slowly lowered himself to the ground, being careful not to move too fast or get too close. 

His voice cracked, as his lowered his head, “I’m sorry.”

Zoe was still crying and holding her face in her hands but her sobs had died down to hiccuped breaths and sniffling. 

Connor clenched his fist and felt his fingers burn from brushing against the rug beneath him so quickly.

“I’m.. I’m sorry Zo. I’m so fucking sorry.”

The two stayed like this until Zoe stopped crying completely. He didn’t look up when she wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her sweater and let out a shaky sigh.

She paused a moment before asking weakly, “Can you get out? I need a minute alone.”

Connor’s chest felt hollow as he stood up and walked towards the doorway. 

He stopped with his hand on the door and didn’t turn around to look at his sister as he muttered, “I’m sorry...” one more time before carefully closing the door between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heheheh reader is a bit of a firecracker huh? ngl this chapter came out so fucking different than originally planned. my notes for it were just like "ayy good times and some memes are on the way". then the murphy siblings personally kicked down my door and punched me in the gut with angst.
> 
> i had fun delving into reader's personality a bit more. I like to think she has traits that resemble Evan but also has a very much take no shit personality as well. Growing up the way she did, it made sense that she would have developed a backbone.
> 
> the next chapter will be recovery fluff i promise!! (unless heidi or the murphys are preparing to break me with angst again oh god)
> 
> also i fucking love riley ok. idk what it is with me and sisters rn but i like to think of her as a big sister figure to connor a bit. she also ships reader and connor, sorry i dont make the rules


	5. no more games of pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for blood ment, suicide ment/attempt

The sound of the door unlocking announced Connor's presence before he stepped into his room and closed the door behind him.

You were sitting on the edge of his bed, looking out the window. Neither of you moved or said anything until you turned towards him and sighed.

“Hey.”

“...Hey.”

He choose to stare at a spot on the floor instead of making eye contact with. You could only see some of his face, but even then you could see how defeated he felt. 

He looked so... lost.

“Are you ok?”

Connor huffed and a bitter smile briefly touched his lips as he looked up at you,

“I pull all the crap, treat you like shit, lock you in a room while I fight with my sister and you're asking me if I'm ok?”

He waited for you to bite back with a sarcastic comment or just sigh in defeat before leaving but you just sat there and waited.

Connor felt heat prick at the corner of his eyes as he slid to the ground and tangled his fingers in his messy hair. He refused to cry in front of you but he couldn't stop himself from admitting,

“No… I'm not.”

He sounded so broken... You had planned on just leaving as soon as you were let out of the room but seeing Connor like this... You couldn't just walk away and pretend you hadn't witnessed any of this.

In all honesty the idea left a sour taste in your mouth. Even if a part of you did want to leave, you knew you would hate yourself for ignoring someone in pain like this. With a small nod to yourself you pushed yourself off of the bed and silently hoped that you weren't just going to make things worse.

You didn't say anything and he didn't look when he heard you get up.

You knelt down in front of him and paused before letting him know gently,

“I won’t get upset if you push me away, alright?”

With that as his only warning you carefully reached out and pulled his hand away from his face before pulling him into a hug.

Time seemed to slow down and your anxiety was gearing up to let loose with regret but you somehow managed to keep the internal screaming to yourself.

Connor froze and you braced yourself for him to push you away or get upset. But the other shoe never dropped.

He just sat there with wide eyes until the dam he'd been fighting for god knows how long finally broke. 

He didn't hug you back but his fingers dug into you jacket as a sob slipped out of his mouth and he began to shake.

You don't know how long you two stayed like this and right now you didn't really care. You just continued to hold him and let him cry. 

Something told you he'd been bottling this up for as long as he could and despite everything he'd said to you, you knew he needed this.

You were still mad. You haven't forgiven him. But right now that wasn't what was important.

Eventually Connor’s grip loosened and his tears ran out. You slowly pulled back and lowered your arms as he wiped his face with the sleeve of his jacket.

You crossed your legs as you sat yourself on the floor across from him and gave him a moment before tentatively saying,

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”

None of this was really your business and you stood by that. The Murphy siblings, unintentionally or not, had more or less dragged you into whatever the hell this was, but you weren’t going to just look away and let someone suffer if you could help it.

Connor sat there and stared at nothing in particular. His face was blank and he looked emotionally drained.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.”

You shifted, “About what?”

He let out a weak laugh, “All of it. Zoe. Evan. You. My family. My fucked up head just… all of it.”

“Zoe said she couldn’t do this anymore and I don’t think I can either.” He revealed.

“Then don’t.”

He glared at you, “It’s not that fucking easy.”

You shrugged, “I didn’t say it was.”

Some of Connor’s fire was beginning to reignite as he snapped, “You don’t think I haven’t tried? You think I like living my life like _this?_ ”

You shook your head, “I didn’t say either of those things Connor.”

He scoffed, “You didn’t have to.”

You took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of your nose, trying to keep yourself calm and prevent this from breaking into a fight.

“Look. What I’m trying to say is you’re both at your limits right? Probably way past them. I'm not saying there's some magic switch that you guys can flip to make things better but if you're both this burnt out and you both don't want things to be like this anymore then isn't that a sign in itself that there's a chance to make things different?”

He didn't make any move to say anything and there was still a dangerous spark in his eye, but he let you continue. You tried to take that as a good thing.

“Nothing can change if it doesn't get to the point where change is needed. Sometimes things just have to… crash and burn before they can be rebuilt.”

You sighed, “I'm not going to pretend to have answers or know what's going on. But it just seems like you're both tired and want things to be different than how they are now. For all you know, you guys might even want the same thing.”

He stared at you silently for a solid minute before asking,

“Why do you even care?”

You bit your lip and sat back as you thought about this for a moment before shrugging,

“I… don't think I really have an answer to that. I don't know myself, I just.. do I guess.”

Connor watched you and you could feel him searching your face for any sign of you lying before seemingly coming to a decision.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” You tilted your head not quite sure what he had decided on.

“Yeah, okay. I’m saying I believe you or whatever.”

“Cool…Thanks I think.” You looked down at your crossed legs and tapped your fingers as you tried to think of what to say now.

“Do you have anyone you can talk to about this stuff?” You asked.

Connor’s fist clenched by his side, “Evan.”

You hummed noncommittally, “That’s pretty good then yeah?”

He shot you a look, "Normally it would be, but didn’t you tell him about the shit from earlier? He’s not going to want to talk to me after that.”

It was your turn to shoot him a look, only yours was filled with exasperation, “Why would I do that? Even if you going off on me today had something to do with Evan it was still something that happened between us. I'm not the kind of person who would pull something like that.”

Connor blinked, “You.. didn’t say anything to him.”

“Nope.” You drawled, emphasizing the p with a small pop. 

“Besides, Evan and I barely know each other. You can't forget we haven't even been in the same town for a full week yet. I’m not going to just suddenly start bitching about his best friend like that, even if the guy is kind of an ass.” You added with a smirk.

Connor let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding as he let out an semi-amused huff, “Okay yeah I deserved that.”

For a moment there was no tension hanging between you two and you both could pretend that things hadn’t been a complete shit show the past few hours. 

The moment was broken though by the sound of the front door opening downstairs and Cynthia’s muffled voice calling from below, “I’m home!”

You both looked at each other and didn’t make a move before you both said at the same time,

“I should- you should- probably go.”

You chuckled at this and he smirked before you both stood up. He looked behind you at the window and asked, “You any good at climbing by chance?”

You turned around and hummed in thought as you looked at the tree that stood right by his window. 

It looked close and the branches seemed strong enough to hold the weight of a person easily. It wouldn’t surprise you in the slightest if Connor had taken advantage of this on a regular basis.

“Yeah that shouldn’t be much of a problem.”

He nodded and moved past you to open the window. You stepped through it and sat on the windowsill. You looked up at him and asked,

“You think you’ll be alright?”

He rolled his eyes and smiled sarcastically, “Oh I’ll be just peachy.”

You huffed and weakly jabbed his side with your elbow. There was no bite in either of your actions and it was one of the only light interactions you two have had with each other. Neither of you would say it out loud but it was kind of nice.

“I’ll see you in class Murphy. Hopefully without the usual dramatics.”

You pushed yourself off of the windowsill and grabbed onto the tree as Connor watched and shook his head with a grin,

“And ruin my reputation? You’re asking too much of me ____.”

You flipped him off and heard him chuckle as you dropped down and landed on the ground. 

Connor waited until you were out of sight before dropping his head and sighing. He pushed himself off the wall and stepped out of his room.

By the sound of things Larry hadn’t come home yet and his mom was making vegan poison hell downstairs in the kitchen. He looked to the left to see Zoe’s door was cracked open with the light still on.

He moved to stand in front of the door and hesitated. Maybe it would be better if he just left her alone until he talked to Evan… Or just do them both a favor and leave her alone for good.

Connor took a step back towards his room when Zoe’s voice stopped him, “I know you’re out there Connor. I heard the door open and saw ____ leave a minute ago.”

Connor wanted to run away, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t talk to Zoe without making things worse again. It’s what he always did.

His body seemed to decide now was a perfect time to rebel against his mind as he found himself pulling the door open enough that he could lean against the door frame.

Zoe was curled up on her bed with her laptop. It looked like she had enough time to change into pajamas and wash her face while he was busy, but even from here he could still see how red her eyes were from crying.

He stood there wordlessly and stared at the floor, not knowing what he was supposed to do. It wasn’t until Zoe finally made the first move that he looked up.

“Hey.”

He locked eyes with her, they were both so goddamn tired. “...Hey.”

“Can we talk? Or at least try to?” Zoe asked as she typed a quick message and closed her laptop.

She had probably been talking to Alana about what happened earlier, he thought as he closed the door behind him quietly.

“Yeah. Trying would be good.”

Connor hesitated before walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed as far away from Zoe as possible.

“Did you patch things up with ____?” Zoe asked, avoiding the elephant in the room.

Connor shrugged, “I guess? Maybe? I don’t really know.”

Zoe hummed, “I’m kind of surprised she didn’t kick your ass the second you opened the door.”

Connor laughed, but there was no real emotion behind it, “You and me both… I deserved it.”

“Yeah you kind of did.” Zoe agreed.

She paused for a moment before finally addressing what they both knew was coming, 

“Connor we can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep attacking me out of nowhere. You can’t keep taking out your problems on me. I won’t let you put me on the receiving end of it anymore.”

Deep down a part of him was proud of Zoe for putting her foot down. She deserved better than his abuse and while he knew it wasn’t his place at all, Connor was still proud of her for putting herself first. Didn't make it sting any less though.

“I know. I don’t want to keep doing this either.”

Zoe shifted as she clarified, “I want to work on fixing all of this. Together. I don’t want the rest of our lives to be so damaged. But if you explode at me again or take out your issues on me I won’t stick around this time.”

She let out a shaky breath. Connor wondered if she had come to this decision when she messaged Alana or if she had been thinking this over for some time.

“This is the last and only time I’ll say it. If you cross the line with me again then that’s it. I can’t hang on to something that’s only going to hurt me.”

Connor felt numb as he nodded, “That’s for the best. I can’t promise I won’t still get upset or do stupid things. Shit isn’t that simple and I'm not going to lie and say that me trying to get better is going to go smoothly. But I’ll keep it as far from you as I can.”

Zoe nodded, “I don’t expect you to magically become better overnight. It’s only natural that there will be a lot of shitty obstacles and I’m not saying I’ll leave the second you hit a wall in general.”

Connor huffed, “I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I’m broken. Probably beyond repair and we both know it.”

Zoe frowned, “You’re sick. We both know _that_ and I’m pretty sure mom and dad see it too at this point. You can’t just ignore the fact that it’s not just you who’s broken Connor.”

He could ignore it, but he didn’t. He never had ignored it but it was still startling to hear Zoe acknowledge it.

“We’re all broken. Not just us but our relationship as a family too.” She confessed.

Connor watched her in disbelief as she shrugged and admitted,

“It’s our fault too, not just yours. Mom looks away, I usually throw in some bullshit comment and run, and dad rather gets into a screaming match with you or just goes quiet. We make you the bad guy.”

Connor frowned, “Yeah but that’s because I am the bad guy. I hurt everyone. It’s what I do.”

He shook his head, “You of all people know that the most. I hurt you all the time.”

“I do know that but what I'm trying to say is we make you out as some sort of villain so we don't have to acknowledge that we fucked up and that's not okay. I know that you’re not trying to hurt me on purpose-”

Connor laughed bitterly, “But that’s the thing Zo. I do. _Did_... Fuck.”

He ran a hand up his face and through his hair, ignoring the sharp pain of his fingers getting snagged on a few tangles, 

“At first it was just because I was angry. I wasn’t angry with you but more of _at_ you for being the kid who wasn’t fucked up.”

Zoe was silent as Connor clenched the sheets below him, 

“There was this fucked up part of me that thought if you were broken too… if I dragged you down to my level I wouldn’t be such a mistake. That maybe Larry and Cynthia would actually acknowledge that I needed help. If they couldn’t realize that for me then they would have for you.”

Connor’s chest hurt. This was only the second time he had said this out loud. That his parents wouldn't have hesitated to get Zoe help if she fell apart the way he did. That they wouldn't have let her break the way they let him.

The truth of it didn’t hurt any less than it did when he told Evan. If anything it just felt heavier.

“When it didn’t work the way I thought it would, you were honestly nothing more than the unfortunate person who just so happened to be closest when I lashed out or did something stupid. It wasn’t even about you anymore. Fuck I’m not even sure it was about anything anymore. I just… gave up.”

Zoe pulled her knees to her chest as she picked up where he stopped,

“And that’s when I found you the first time you tried to…”

The unspoken words hung heavy between them. 

It hurt so goddamn much but it was a different kind of pain than the regret that would come for him after every fuck up he made. It was like every moment of regret had gathered and settled into a painful ball of lead in his chest.

Connor’s voice broke as he whispered, “You were never supposed to have found me…”

Zoe didn’t look up as she muttered, “But I did.”

The first time Connor had tried to kill himself had been about eight years ago. Connor was thirteen at the time and Zoe had just turned eleven. 

He had waited for the day that his mom would be gone for her retreat in the mountains where she wouldn’t have any cell service.

She wouldn’t know what he had done until it was days past his death. She wouldn’t have to walk in and find his body. He wouldn’t do that to her.

He wouldn’t do that to Cynthia but he _would_ do it to Larry.

That was the plan. Larry would come home from work and head upstairs to scream at Connor about how he got suspended for being in another fight at school despite it not actually being a fight. Connor had just been defending himself from a group of bullies again but he knew his dad wouldn't listen long enough or care.

Only instead of tearing into his son as planned he would find Connor’s lifeless body sitting in a tub of red instead.

It was supposed to be Connor’s final message. He wouldn’t leave a note. He didn’t even know what he would say. He couldn’t say he was sorry for doing it because he wasn’t.

He didn’t want to hurt Cynthia anymore. There had been a time where she would have fought for him but as he kept fucking up she tried less and less.

He didn’t blame her for giving up on him, but he wished she would have tried to get him the help he needed before she did.

But Larry insisted that it was just a phase. Just a cry for attention, not mental illness or anything extreme like that.

Bullshit. 

Not only did Connor know that he had an illness that needed to be fucking kicked in the crotch but he also hated how his father dismissed him so carelessly. 

Even if it had just been some sick attempt at getting attention, wouldn’t that in itself have been a sign that Connor needed help?

But no matter how much he lashed out. No matter how much he tried to tell them he couldn’t go on like this. It didn’t matter.

And he had been ready to give up.

He stopped calling them mom and dad after that. They were just the adults who were stuck with his problems, but they wouldn't be for much longer.

Cynthia was gone for the weekend. Larry would be home in exactly five hours. Zoe was on a day trip for her first year in band, she wouldn't be back until after Larry found the body. It was the perfect window of time he needed to end it all.

Connor filled the bathtub with water, not bothering to close the door behind him as he shrugged off his hoodie. His arms had been mostly normal at the time. Only two scars had healed over on his left arm and the rest was still smooth and untouched.

Once the tub was filled up enough he grabbed the knife that he stole from the kitchen and climbed in, not bothering to take off the rest of his clothes.

He was unnervingly calm as he took the knife and lowered it down to his wrist. He slowly carved a deep cut into his right wrist before doing the same to his left and dropping the blood stained knife.

The sound of metal clattering against the tiled floor was nothing more than an afterthought as Connor closed his eyes and let his arms fall and sink underwater.

He smiled as he began to feel his eyes get heavier and his grip on consciousness slip away. He was ready to rest. He had no intention of fighting it. He could finally quiet the noises in his head.

“C-Connor?”

Connor’s eyes snapped open. For a moment the world spun and all he saw was red. So much red.

But then he saw Zoe. Sweet innocent Zoe who wasn’t supposed to be home, standing by the door and looking at him with horror.

His baby sister. The last person he wanted to see him like this.

His vision faded in and out as his head lolled to the side and his world went black.

The last thing Connor registered was the sound of Zoe’s screams.

…

 

Connor’s grip on the sheets tightened and his knuckles turned white from the strain. He could practically feel the scars from that day ripping open again under his sleeves.

“You were the last person I… Fuck. It’s ironic isn’t it? The first person I started taking my shit out on was, _is_ , one of the last people in my life I ever wanted to hurt.”

Connor refused to look up because if he did he knew he would break down for the second time that day and he couldn’t do that again, but even so he was pretty sure he heard Zoe sniffle.

“All I do is hurt the people around me. I’m toxic... Not that you need me to tell you that.”

Connor sighed, “You already know that. You've dealt with it firsthand for years and you make sure no one else ends up getting poisoned by my bullshit.” 

He was frustrated, but not with Zoe. He had been angry at first but in all honesty he couldn’t blame her for telling others to steer clear of him.

Zoe paused before speaking up, “You don’t though.”

Connor looked up and frowned. Zoe had tear tracks down her face again but she had the missing piece to the fucked up puzzle of their lives.

“That's not all you do anymore Connor. You haven’t gotten rid of your problems but you’ve pushed a lot of the shit you used to do in high school down. Your car doesn’t smell like weed anymore. You don’t blast music just to piss off dad after fights. You actually listened to my suggestion to sit in on art classes because I knew that it was something you wanted. You haven’t broken anything during one of your fits in _months_.”

Connor’s eyes widened, “I… I didn’t think you noticed.”

Zoe let out a laugh, “Of course I noticed. You of all people know how hyper aware of every single thing around me I am now. Especially when it comes to you.”

Connor was tempted to tear away and break eye contact, but he could tell Zoe had more she needed to get across so he fought the urge as she continued,

“I didn’t say anything because I was scared it would break what you had only just started building. Maybe that’s my fault and I should have said something sooner, but I’m saying it now. It doesn’t excuse everything you’ve done but I’ve always known you’ve been trying to fight it Connor.”

He opened his mouth but had no words. The pain was still there but he also felt a rush, even if it was just for a second.

A small laugh slipped out of him as he looked down in disbelief. That was the first time he’d heard anything like that from his family. Ever.

He felt a tear roll down his cheek and he shook as he pushed down the rest of the tears and emotions that threatened to follow if he didn’t.

His head whipped up as Zoe tentatively placed one of her hands on his. She still had the walls she built around her to protect herself. Connor still was falling apart. Their wounds were both still raw.

But for a moment none those things were there. For just a second they were the same little kids who would climb trees and get scolded for playing in the mud. 

The same big brother who carried his crying sister all the way back home when she fell off of her bike and scraped her knees.

The same little sister who went out and spent her allowance on a packet of glow in the dark stars and helped him put them up on his ceiling after one of his first really bad days.

The same siblings who loved each other and weren’t afraid to be close to one another.

Connor shook as more tears fell down his face, “I’m so fucking sorry Zoe. I’m so sorry.”

Zoe smiled sadly and squeezed his hand, “I know.”

One conversation wasn’t going to suddenly wipe away all the damage that had accumulated over the years. It wasn’t going to suddenly turn time and bring them back to the way they were when things were ok.

But as Connor cried and apologized over and over and Zoe held on to his hand, things were finally able to start healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops
> 
> did i say id do fluff recovery this chapter? i uh, i meant next chapter... yeah


	6. just reach out your hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is ooc. i know a lot of fics portray the murphys as this super fucking aggressive family with just constant lashing out and stuff like that DOES happen. but im writing from more of a how i interpreted the family from watching the bootleg and interviews with mike faist. so itll be more on the disconnected, depressed, no one knows how the fuck to function healthily side of things that just straight up flames and fire. (plus i dont like how many people demonize larry in their fics so yeet)

_Jared Kleinmeme has added mystery girl to the group_

**mystery girl:** whomst'd've

 **kinky:** the one and only holy christ, jared

 **anxietree:** Jared, no.

 **kinky:** jared yes

 **mystery girl:** jared maybe

 **kinky:** maybe it's maybelline 

**mystery girl:** …

 **anxietree:** …

 **mystery girl:** wheres the leave group button

 **kinky:** OI

 **edgelord:** Why the fuck are you guys blowing my phone up at the asscrack of dawn

 **anxietree:** Sorry Connor! Also good morning!

 **kinky:** dude its like,, already 10

 **kinky:** open ur fckn window

 **mystery girl:** for what it's worth I only got up like an hour ago because Luna started knocking shit over for food so youre valid

 **anxietree:** Luna?

 **mystery girl:** >:0

_mystery girl uploaded an image_

**mystery girl:** b e h o l d

 **kinky:** >:0c !!!!!!

 **anxitree:** Oh my god! She's so cute!

 **mystery girl:** she's my precious baby, nyall gotta come meet her sometime

 **kinky:** nyall

 **edgelord:** nyall

 **edgelord:** also cool cat

 **mystery girl:** i just came here to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked rn

 **anxietree:** I don't want you to feel attacked ____. But also….. nyall.

 **mystery girl:** betrayal

 **edgelord:** im so proud

You rolled your eyes and didn't bother trying to wipe the stupid grin off your face as you looked at your phone.

It was your first weekend in your apartment with things settled and it had been really nice so far. You were lying on your stomach listening to music while Luna slept on the bed next to you when your music was interrupted by the notification of being added to a group chat with Evan, Jared, and Connor.

You perked up as you received a friend request from Connor and immediately accepted it, not caring if it made it look like you were glued to your phone.

 **Connor:** hey uh

 **Connor:** sorry you had to sit through all that crap the other day

 **Connor:** and for being a dick in class

 **Connor:** i mean im a dick in general but yeah

 **____:** yeah ur a dick

 **____:** but we good. ty for apologizing

 **____:** just try to tone down the dickery on occasion ye?

 **Connor:** i make no promises

 **____:** weow ://////

 **Connor:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**____:** blocked 

****

**Connor:** weow ://////

****

**____:** double blocked

****

**Connor:** F

****

You chuckled as you closed the app and sat up. You stretched and let out a breath as your spine cracked with a series of satisfying pops.

****

Having things cleared up with Connor felt good. You wouldn’t say you two were friends or anything but there wasn’t bad blood.

****

It had really upset you when he threatened you like that in class, but now that you had time to think it over you were significantly less upset about it.

Evan was special. And even you could tell that he had a lot of fragile baggage and anxiety. You could appreciate being protective of a friend.

For the most part you had just been upset about how Connor thought so little of you. That he saw you as someone out to hurt Evan.

But then you thought about your dad. There was no trace whatsoever of his first family. Evan and his mom didn’t exist in his house.

The only reason you had found out about any of it was because you had been looking for the government letters trying to find out if he had been truthful about the process and amount he was getting and had seen an open email thread between him and some sort of financial lawyer or investigator discussing if he could get any more benefits for having Evan.

It was always about the money with him. He only ever thought about himself.

If he had been in contact with Evan, you could only imagine what fucked up shit your dad might have pulled.

He wasn’t always trash. He was civil with you and loving with his kids and Victoria. But you didn’t trust him.

It may have been a bit soon, considering you still barely knew him but you already felt some of the fierce protectiveness of Evan you saw in Connor.

You weren’t going to pry. It wasn’t your place to. But part of getting to know Evan meant getting to know Connor too.

Even if you two didn’t end up becoming friends, you wanted him to know that if it came between your dad and Evan, you would protect Evan.

It was selfish of you and you still kicked yourself for having such fucked up thoughts, but a part of you couldn’t help but hope that after what happened at the Murphy’s Connor might see that you weren’t going to fuck them over.

You didn’t want to make it about you, because it wasn’t.

You sighed as you grabbed your coffee mug off the table and walked towards the window. 

Prying was off the table. One hundred percent. But you really hoped that Connor considered your words and that things might start changing for their family.

\---

Connor looked down at his phone and sighed.

He had cleared things up with you. That was good. 

It wasn’t much, but he felt some of the weight in his chest lighten as a result.

He tapped on the text conversation between him and Evan and looked at the message he hadn’t replied to yet.

 **Evan:** I’m glad you and ____ are getting along in the chat! I know she’s a classmate and you’re not comfortable with the whole dad side of the family thing, but it makes me really happy that you were ok with us adding her to the group. :)

It made him feel guilty that Evan thought he was being so chill about all this. Like Connor hadn’t threatened Evan’s half sister and was a dick to her the first time they met too.

He felt like he was lying to Evan and he hated that. Evan thought Connor was good, but shit like this proved how wrong he was.

Connor: no problem

Connor: i want u to be happy

Connor: shes alright and i trust u so its ok with me

A knock on his door pulled his attention away from his phone and he looked up to see Zoe open it.

“Morning.”

Connor responded, “It’s like ten thirty or something.”

Zoe rolled her eyes, “It’s still morning though.”

“Fair enough.”

She pushed open the door all the way and leaned against the door frame. “You still down to do this?”

Connor shifted and looked down at the floor uncomfortably. “Yeah… yeah I need to do this.”

Zoe gave him a half smile, “Proud of you bro.”

Connor sighed and pushed himself off the bed, “I’d save that for after shit actually gets better.”

They headed downstairs, taking in the quiet of the house. They had stayed up the previous night talking about different ways to approach things and what was most likely to be high risk and what would probably result in him being unstable.

Neither of them were going to ignore that there would be a lot of rough patches in the process of him trying to get better. They knew it would be a lot of trial and error and neither of them wanted Zoe to have to stay true to her word.

They made a rough plan of what the first steps should be and one of them including actually asking for professional help.

Connor was extremely against asking both parents. 

He didn’t want to deal with Larry if he didn’t have to. Even if Larry stopped saying Connor was faking for attention after his first attempt, he still said things along the lines of thinking Connor’s “potential” mental issues were invalid when they were in the heat of things.

So they agreed to wait until after their father had left the house to ask Cynthia for help.

They stood at the base of the staircase, Zoe peeking around the corner to confirm that their mother was sitting in the living room by herself.

Connor felt nervous. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt fucking nervous to talk to his mom. He suddenly very much wanted to back out of this and go get high instead.

Zoe sharply nudged Connor’s side with her elbow, causing him to hold a hand to the now hurting spot and shoot her a glare. She just looked expectantly between him and their mom before gesturing towards the living room.

So much for escaping.

Connor sighed and stepped into view, causing Cynthia to look up from her book. “Oh! Connor. I didn’t realize you were up yet. Did you need something?”

He opened his mouth and shut it again, not really sure how to start. He’d asked for help a lot of different ways including screaming about how he was broken and how little of a fuck Larry gave. This was.. new. 

Zoe kicked the back of his leg before stepping into the living room as well, “Yeah mom, actually he does!” 

Connor glared at her and she just shot him a smug look saying that he wasn’t allowed to back out.

“Yeah um... “ He started. “I needed to talk to you about… stuff.”

Cynthia set her book aside and frowned cautiously, “Okay…?”

“Um, I wanted to ask, uh… fuck.” Connor hated this. Hated the anxiety and how fucking awkward he was when he was trying to get a point across. Is this how Evan felt all the time?

“I want to get mental help from a professional or whatever.” He said quickly as he crossed his arms and looked away.

The room was quiet for a moment, which was doing fucking wonders for the rapid beating in his chest.

“Okay.”

“Look I get it, you and Larry don’t think that I’m sick and all that shit but _I am_ and I- wait. Okay?”

Connor blinked as he processed the word and looked at his mother who was looking at him thoughtfully.

“Connor, I’ve always wanted to help. Your father has too and neither of us have been blind enough to ignore that you need it. I’ve only ever wanted to help you Connor.”

There was a pang of hurt that threatened to turn into anger as he clenched and unclenched his hands. 

“Then why haven’t you?” He asked shakily.

Cynthia smiled at him sadly, “Because you wouldn’t let me. You’ve been so out of reach and I have no idea what will set you off anymore. There’s no map to tell me how to do any of this. I didn’t want to bring up the idea and turn you away from ever considering it entirely.”

Connor took a minute to roll this around in his mind. As much as he hated it, she was right. No matter how much he’s wanted to fix his shit this whole time, he knows if she had been the one to bring this to him there were a lot of points in his life where he would have taken it badly and lashed out.

“That makes sense…”

Some of the tension in Cynthia’s body lessened as he responded. Despite the vulnerability of the conversation and the spark of hope that filled her with the fact that not only he had come to her about this, but it seemed that Zoe was a part of him coming to this decision, Cynthia was still worried that things could go south. Less so than before, as she watched Connor’s internally struggle to remain calm and actually work through this.

She was so proud of him.

“Do you want me to call in and get you an appointment with a psychiatrist?”

Connor felt like he was going to cry. Zoe had remained silent through the entire exchange but as if sensing how overwhelmed he was now that this was actually happening, she reached out and took his hand.

He looked down and squeezed her hand weakly before nodding, “Yeah, um. Yeah that would be good.”

Cynthia gave him a reassuring smile and got up, “I’ll go do that then… I’m really glad you came to me about this Connor.”

He watched her walk out and head towards the master bedroom to find her phone and felt his chest tighten as he heard her voice from the other room.

This was happening.

The Murphy siblings just stood in tense silence as they listened to the muffled sound of their mother in the other room on the phone. They hadn’t let go of each others hands yet.

Connor couldn’t help thinking that despite how fucked up it was, that this was the closest thing they had been to a family in years.

He wondered if Zoe was thinking the same thing.

Cynthia stepped out of her room with a hand covering the mic on her phone, “They said they would be able to book you for an appointment this afternoon. Is that ok or is it too soon?”

Connor almost laughed. He'd been waiting since second grade for this. Too soon wasn't possible at this point, although he was a bit surprised they had a spot open so close.

As much as he hated all of the stuffy and stuck up shit that came with their family money, he had to admit it had it's ups. Perks of having rich white privileged parents, he guessed sarcastically.

“This afternoon is fine…. Thanks mom.”

Cynthia's eyes widened and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. Connor flushed and looked away, not entirely sure if he meant for that to slip out or not.

The only times he had ever called her mom was to mock her or use it as an insult.

Much to Connor's relief, Cynthia gave him a watery smile before returning her attention to the phone call.

Connor stepped out of the room and slipped into the kitchen to grab a glass. He filled it with tap water from the sink and stared down at it as he leaned against the counter.

“You good?”

Zoe stepped in and rested her weight against the counter adjacent to his. 

Connor glanced up at her before shrugging at his cup.

“I think so. I'm just… processing.”

“That's fair.” Zoe said.

Cynthia walked in and smiled at the sight of the two of her children.

“Alright, you have an appointment at three. Your father won't be home until late tonight so you don't need to stress about time. Just focus on yourself and if needed, I'll take care of it, ok?”

Connor set down his untouched glass on the counter.

“Yeah that sounds… good.” He let out shakily as he looked down at the floor.

“Connor?”

He registered Zoe's voice but couldn't really respond. It didn't feel like a panic attack but he still felt like he was in shock at the fact that this was happening.

His eyes were still staring at the floor but he wasn't really seeing anything. He was acutely aware that there were things happening amd existing around him, but that was about as far as his mind would go.

Things stayed muffled and blank. He didn't really know for how long. Connor felt himself bring things back into focus enough to register that his hand felt cold. And wet.

He slowly looked down to see that someone was holding an ice pack to his hand. He felt someone squeeze his other hand too.

It took a few minutes for him to refocus on things. First, hearing the sound of his own breathing. Squeezing back when he processed that Zoe was the one holding his hand.

He looked up at his sister and saw the concern and wariness in her eyes. She hadn't seen him do this before.

He looked to the other side and saw his mom giving him an understanding smile. She reached forward slowly and tucked a piece of his hair behind his ear.

“Feeling better?”

Connor nodded and watched as she lifted the ice pack from his now painfully numb, red hand and put it back in the freezer.

“How did you know to…”

Cynthia smiled sadly as she closed the freezer door,

“When I was a little girl my dad would have dissociative episodes from ptsd. I know I never really mentioned him much but your grandfather was a veteran.”

Zoe and Connor let go of each other's hands as they felt the situation relax, while Cynthia continued.

“Whenever he had a dissociative episode, I remembered your grandmother doing things like this. It helped ground him and bring him back. Some of the more go to methods never really had an affect on him, but this was one of the things that usually helped.”

Connor rubbed at his hand while Zoe propped herself up on the counter and looked at him warily.

“You don’t seem that surprised this happened but I’ve never seen you get like that.”

Connor shrugged. “It’s only really happened sometimes after fights with Larry or shit happened at school. I’d rather be in my room or dipping out of school to get high so no one has really experienced it before. Fuck I’m not even sure if Evan has seen me like that, but I’ve walked him through an episode or two.”

He felt drained. It had only been one conversation and one episode but he was already exhausted. He had a feeling this whole process in general would end up taking a lot out of him.

Sensing this, Cynthia said, “Why don’t you go lie down. I can wake you up for your appointment and drive you there and back so you can just crash afterwards instead of having to focus on driving.”

Connor nodded, “Yeah that sounds good, thanks.”

He pushed himself off of the counter, but didn’t move to leave yet. He still needed to ask for one more thing,

“Also can we… not tell Larry about this. Not now at least? I can’t… I’m not ready to deal with that yet.”

Zoe nodded right away, as if it was already an obvious thing. 

Cynthia hesitated but agreed, “For now that would probably be for the best. Although I do think it will be important for you two to talk.”

Connor smiled weakly at her, “Thanks… I will eventually, just. Not right now.”

Zoe kicked him lightly as she swung her legs back and forth from where she was still sitting on top of the counter, 

“Go get some sleep. You look like crap.”

Connor rolled his eyes and flipped her off fondly, “Gee thanks. Really feeling the love Zo.”

Zoe stuck her tongue out at him as he headed out of the kitchen.

Cynthia watched the exchange and felt the spark of hope in her chest grow. 

Things were finally about to start changing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know what youre probs thinking. "kina this is a self insert fic why is there like no interaction between reader and connor so far"
> 
> this is more of a like,, huge slow burn story. every one of the characters has so much complexity and unresolved story that i want to explore all of it. its more than just the romantic pairing. things like the murphys recovery, evan and heidi's relationship, etc is important and i dont want to overlook any of it.
> 
> its going to be a big fic probably, and there will be lots of readerxconnor content i promise. just gotta build some foundation first. plus lets be honest how many of us would suddenly have a shit ton of interactions with someone like connor? that shit takes time and growth my dudes
> 
> also hi yes, reader gets really self conscious/anxious about making things about herself or sticking her nose in other peoples business. its a trait that she shares with evan, she feels a lot like shes intruding or stepping into a picture shes not meant to be a part of. its a result of how she grew up, never feeling like she belonged. now more than ever, as shes trying to be selfish for once and see if she can fit into evan's picture, her anxiety about this is at an all time high


	7. but what if everyone saw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Image that reader sends to the group! https://anxietreee.tumblr.com/post/184437165826/risingconfidence-ultraviol-et

**mystery girl:** Evan Evan Evan!

 _mystery girl uploaded an image to the group._ (check link at beginning chapter notes)

 **anxitree:** I can’t tell if I should love this or hate it.

 **anxitree:** On the one hand. That looks so cool. But on the other hand that poor tree.

 **anxitree:** If someone leans back too much it’ll break or hurt the tree. :(

 **ConMan:** Ok but are we just gonna ignore the fact that the dude is wearing fucking crocs

 **kinky:** what r u talking about

 **kinky:** its a fashion statement

 **ConMan:** i hate u

 **kinky:** i kno

 **anxitree:** The tree…

 **mystery girl:** Evan im going to ground u from cool tree pics if u keep overthinking this

 **kinky:** lmao u do realize who youre talking about right

 **anxitree:** Please no.

 **mystery girl:** hmmm idk man

 **mystery girl:** its for the greater good

 **mystery girl:** im demoting u to mushrooms, ur grounded from trees

 **anxitree:** :(

 **ConMan:** shrooms

 **mystery girl:** connor no

 **kinky:** connor yes

 **ConMan:** connor yes

 **anxitree:** Ok but Mushrooms are like, basically people.

 **kinky:** wh

 **ConMan:** explain

 **anxitree:** They’re made of 90% water and there’s actually a closer genetic link between us and fungi than fungi and plants.

 **kinky:** cool so im part shroom

 **mystery girl:** why r u like this

 **kinky:** because im just that good

 **ConMan:** whtevr helps u sleep at night

 **kinky:** fight me

 **ConMan:** is that a free invite to kick ur ass?

 **kinky:** hmmm nvm, pls dont fight me 

**kinky:** i value my face too much

 **ConMan:** smart man

 **mystery girl:** evan, you alive?

 **ConMan:** ur still thinking about the tree chair arent u

 **kinky:** he probs wants to sit in it

 **anxitree:** Don’t call me out like this.

 **ConMan:** to which one

 **anxitree:** Yes.

 **kinky:** knew it

 **ConMan:** i hate to interrupt the calling out of Evan’s “tree kink” -jared’s words not mine, but

 **ConMan:** i kinda have some news?

 **kinky:** oh worm is it real boi hours

 **ConMan:** ya

 **anxitree:** Is everything ok Connor?

 **mystery girl:** ^^^

 **ConMan:** what is ok

 **ConMan:** jk kinda

 **ConMan:** but yeah so im kinda in the waiting room with my mom and zoe for a psych appointment?

 **kinky:** oh shit

 **mystery girl:** that’s good right?

 **ConMan:** yeah

 **ConMan:** at least i rly fucking hope so

 **ConMan:** ngl im nervous as fuck

 **anxitree:** That’s fair. For what it’s worth there’s not a lot to be nervous about? Like. For the appointment itself. The rest is… yeah.

 **kinky:** wise words from our own personal bundle of nervous energy

 **mystery girl:** jared >:/

 **kinky:** sry

 **anxitree:** Nah, you’re ok. It’s true lol.

 **ConMan:** i appreciate it Ev, ur right and like,, ugh words

 **ConMan:** im an excited kind of nervous for the fact that im finally going to get actual help

 **ConMan:** and all 50 shades of sick to my stomach nervous for everything else

 **mystery girl:** that’s 100% valid

 **kinky:** does ur dad know?

 **ConMan:** fuck no

 **ConMan:** its only a matter of time obvis but for now cynthia and zoe promised to keep it under wraps til the ball gets rolling

 **anxitree:** That’s really good. I don’t think him being involved would be the greatest.

 **kinky:** def not

 **kinky:** i dont think any of us are looking forward to the next episode of we all have daddy issues

 **mystery girl:** why u gotta do literally all of us dirty like that

 **kinky:** its my job

 **mystery girl:** get a new job

 **ConMan:** ^

 **kinky:** boo you whore

 **kinky:** but in all as serious as i can get ness

 **kinky:** wyd tonight

 **kinky:** we should have a “before shit hits the fan” movie night

 **ConMan:** oh god fucking yes please

 **anxitree:** My mom is going to be gone as usual.

 **anxitree:** We can do it at my place like last time.

 **kinky:** ____?

 **mystery girl:** idk,, i kinda had a date with a tub of ice cream and the last instant ramen in my cupboard

 **ConMan:** bring em with

 **mystery girl:** ur so fucking valid

 **mystery girl:** what time

 **mystery girl:** i have spiderverse if u guys wanna watch that

 **kinky:** is that even a fucking question, bring it

 **kinky:** ill bring mario kart and soda per tradition

 **ConMan:** i’ll answer the door when the pizza guy comes per tradition

 **anxitree:** How’s 7?

 **ConMan:** lit

 **kinky:** ye, but im gonna come over early cause i can

 **anxitree:** Ok!

 **mystery girl:** i’ll be there :D

 **ConMan:** very very fucking not normal question but uh

 **ConMan:** are u guys cool if zoe comes too?

 **mystery girl:** !!!!!!!!!

 **kinky:** woah

 **kinky:** who are u and what did you do with the emo of the group

 **anxitree:** Yeah! Of course that’s ok. Are you guys doing better now?

 **ConMan:** i think so? idk shits complicated but i think its on the way to being ok

 **mystery girl:** that’s really great connor

 **mystery girl:** happy for you :)

 **kinky:** ditto

 **anxitree:** Me too! I really hope things work out, I really proud of you Connor.

 **ConMan:** ok ok enough mushy crap

 **ConMan:** idk if she’ll even come

 **ConMan:** but ty

 **kinky:** awww we embarrassed him

 **kinky:** success

 **ConMan:** i can and WILL kill u kleinman

 **kinky:** eh

 **kinky:** we all knew the day would come eventually

 **mystery girl:** i believe it

 **kinky:** preemptive F for my eventual death at the hands of connor murphy

 **mystery girl:** F

 **ConMan:** F

 **anxitree:** Guys no.

 **anxitree:** But also F.

 **ConMan:** zoe said she wants to come but shes bringing alana so embrace urselves for gross pda

 **mystery girl:** if by gross you mean tooth rottingly cute then im ready

 **kinky:** ugh, evan we’re ordering an extra pizza so i can eat away the loneliness of being single

 **anxitree:** F

 **kinky:** WOW

 **ConMan:** get rekt

 **ConMan:** also they just called my name, see u guys on the other side

 **anxitree:** Good luck!

 **kinky:** ^

 **mystery girl:** sending many good vibes ur way

\---

Connor walked out of the psychiatrist’s office an hour and a half later with a prescription and a diagnosis for bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression, as well as a note saying he was required to meet with a therapist regularly.

For one of the first times since meeting Evan, Connor felt like he was being _listened to_. The woman he spoke with was kind but didn’t sugarcoat things. He really appreciated that.

She asked questions and he felt like he could answer them for once because she didn’t look at him the way most people did when his problems were exposed. She wasn’t afraid of him or judgmental.

She took him seriously and actually wanted to set him up for success in a way that would work for _him_. Not just some suck it up or try going to rehab camp again type bullshit. It was an actual fucking plan to put him on meds and set him up for regular therapy and to come see her again in a month.

He almost wanted to cry with relief.

When he stepped into the waiting room again and locked eyes with Zoe, he knew his face must have show this by the way she perked up before nudging their mom.

Cynthia looked up and closed her book with a gentle, but unreadable smile as he walked over.

“How did it go?”

Connor handed her the papers and waited tensely as she read them over before putting them down in the empty chair beside her and getting up. She wrapped her arms around Connor and squeezed him tight and if Connor hadn’t been cried out already he knew he would have been breaking down again as he returned the embrace.

“We’re going to get you all set up Connor. It’s ok now. We’re going to get through this. Together.”

Cynthia’s hand cupped the back of his head as he let out a shaky breath and rested his forehead on her shoulder, letting himself slump against her.

“It’s going to be ok.”

For the first time in his life, he actual believed that that could be true.

\---

“Sup sluts.”

Connor looked unamused as he was met face to face with Jared at the front door of Evan’s house. 

“Why are you like this?”

Jared shrugs and shoots Connor a cheeky grin before stepping to the side so he and the others can come in,

“Because I’m god’s gift to man, obviously.”

Connor rolled his eyes, “Funny, I don’t recall making a mistake like you.”

Alana and Zoe stepped in after him, Zoe shaking her head and rolling her eyes at Connor’s comment. Alana smiled brightly at Jared as he closed the door behind them,

“Thank you for letting us in and inviting us. I hope it’s ok. I didn’t have the chance to ask if anyone else was bringing anything but I brought a batch of my moms’ cookies.”

Alana held up a container that was filled to the brim with large chocolate chip cookies. 

“They made too much and instead of them taking all the leftovers to work, I suggested I bring some of them here!”

Jared took the container from Alana and immediately opened it and took a huge bite out of one of the cookies. He popped the lid back on and shoved more of the cookie in his mouth as he said with cookie muffled words,

“Your offering has been deemed worthy. You may proceed to the living room and prepare to have your ass kicked at mario kart.”

Alana giggled and kicked off her shoes before heading towards the living room. Jared followed as he took out another cookie and began to demolish that one too.

You and Evan were already in the middle of a match and you were surprisingly getting your ass handed to you.

It was stupidly close which just made it all the more frustrating that every time you got in first place, Evan managed to hit you with a shell or a too perfectly timed banana peel and pass you.

You cursed as Evan passed the finish line in first place again, winning the circuit. He smiled up at you apologetically and you pretended to pout,

“How the hell are you so ruthless at this?”

Jared laughed as he walked in, “Because he plays against me. Constantly.”

Evan nodded as Connor plopped down and sat on the floor next to him. “It’s true. Jared is the worst at this game.”

Connor reached forward and grabbed a controller off of the coffee table as Alana and Zoe settled on the couch.

He tossed a controller towards Jared, who somehow managed to catch it despite still hoarding the cookie container. Connor flashed him a challenging smirk,

“We’ll see about that.”

…

“What. The. Fuck.”

The group had been playing for the better part of two hours, only taking a momentary pause when the pizza arrived. Jared pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned as Connor cackled and took another slice.

“You’re cheating. You have to be cheating.”

Connor chuckled as he passed his controller to Alana and took a bite of his pizza.

“Nah, you just suck more than you realize.”

Jared threw his hands up dramatically, “No, you’re just cheating. No one wins five fucking consecutive circuits in a row without ever getting knocked down from first place.”

Zoe grumbled as she selected her character, “This is why I never play with him.”

Alana kisses her girlfriend on the cheek and smiles sympathetically, “It’s ok sweetie, I’ll avenge your losing streak.”

“By beating me when we’re in the same race?”

“Exactly!” Alana said with a cheerfully teasing certainty.

“I feel so loved.”

You scooted towards Connor on the floor as Jared flopped down on the other side of you, making a point to spread out on his stomach and take up as much floor space as possible as the loading screen went up.

You let your head fall back on the couch behind you and looked up at Zoe, “It’s ok, as long as the three of us annihilate Jared it counts as a group victory.”

Alana laughed, “Girl power.”

Zoe’s pout melted into a fond smile before it shifted to a look of determination as the race count-off began.

“Let’s get this motherfucking bread.”

“Since when am I public enemy number one.” Jared complained as the race kicked off.

Zoe bumped into his character and cackled as she stole the double power up from him, 

“Because you hit me with a green shell four fucking times last game.”

“Not on purpose!”

“I-I don’t know Jared, it kind of seemed like it was on purpose.” Evan cut in.

Jared groaned and pushed himself up, bumping you in the process.

“Hey! No interference you cheat.”

“Seconded. I still am very much prepared to kick your ass Kleinman.” Connor added, somewhat disgruntled from being secondhand bumped into from being right next to you on the other side.

Jared stuck out his tongue as he tried to catch up to Alana, “All is fair in love and… war!” He exclaimed as he chucked a shell her way.

Alana just barely dodged it and frowned as she tensed up with concentration.

In the end, Alana ended up winning while you and Zoe landed somewhere in the middle of the ranks. To everyone but Jared’s satisfaction, all three of you had scored higher than he had.

Jared pouted after everyone agreed it was a good time to switch to the movie. “I’ve been personally attacked despite doing nothing wrong in my life ever.”

Evan shot him a look, “You ate almost all the cookies.”

“Nothing wrong in my life ever.”

…

Alana and Zoe ended up cuddled together on the couch, giving Jared enough room to move up to the couch. Evan had grabbed a few blankets and passed them around and was now lying on on the ground, under a blanket, on his stomach with a pillow to prop himself up on comfortably.

Since Connor was sitting in front of the middle of the couch and was the easiest for everyone to access, he had been nominated to be the oversized bowl of popcorn holder, which was fine to him since they just meant he could keep denying Jared every time he tried to reach towards the bowl.

You were happy to sit next to him and mooch off of the popcorn and easily aid in the cockblocking of Jared getting popcorn from your spot between them. Once you were all settled in, Evan started the movie and things were pretty relaxed from there.

Alana went into a mini rant about why tagging signs with stickers was such a frustrating form of vandalism during the intro of the movie and Jared effectively ended up having a handful of popcorn thrown in his face when he leaned forward and placed his hand on Connor’s shoulder and said “Hey.”

Evan whined and said he’d be digging out squished stale popcorn from the couch cushions for the next week, and Connor apologized before throwing a single piece at Jared for his last attack.

You laughed and stifled a yawn, catching sight of an amused smirk from Connor beside you.

“Past someone’s bedtime?”

You kicked his foot as you reached for the nearly empty popcorn bowl, “Shut up.” 

Connor moved it out of your reach and you shot him a look, “I don’t deserve this, I’m not Jared.”

Jared mumbled something too quiet for you to hear and you looked behind you to see that while he had in fact heard what you said, he was also to engrossed in the dramatic final battle scene to actually complain.

You huffed and smiled fondly before turning back and looking at Connor who was still holding the bowl out of reach from you. Evan was asleep by Connor and while Alana was just as sucked into the movie as Jared was, Zoe was barely half awake as she clung to Alana who was curled up against Zoe comfortably.

You frowned at Connor and pointed at the bowl, not wanting to disturb the others. Connor lifted an eyebrow as if he didn’t know what you were trying to say but the cheeky bastard wasn’t even bothering to hide his challenging smirk.

Asshole.

Despite half expecting you to go for it, Connor was still caught off guard when you quietly lunged for the bowl and snatched it from his hand. You were practically laying across his lap as you popped a piece of popcorn in your mouth and stuck your tongue out at him.

He rolled his eyes as you sat up and returned to your original spot next to him, taking the bowl with you.

“Just for the record, if Evan and Zo weren’t passed out and I didn’t want to wake them you wouldn’t have managed to pull that off.” He leaned towards you and said quietly.

You snorted as you finished off the last of the popcorn and set the bowl aside, “How chivalrous of you.”

“Excuse you, I’m a goddamn gentlemen.”

“Ah yes, the classic storybook knight in shining black armor with matching black nail polish to complete the emo prince aesthetic.”

“Fuck off.” Despite the words themselves, they didn’t hold any bite to them as Connor leaned into you to shove you gently to the side.

You laughed under your breath and shoved him back before Jared kicked you both from behind.

“Shh you’re going to ruin the end.”

Connor rolled his eyes and settled back against the couch to watch the last few minutes of the movie and you pulled the blanket you’d be given earlier around your shoulders and did the same.

…

You’re not sure when you fell asleep, but the moment you opened your eyes you felt instant regret. You groaned and closed them shut quickly, not ready for the harsh ray of sunlight that shone directly in your face from the window by the door.

You wrapped your arms around what you had been pressed up against before and moved your face so the light was blocked out like it was before you made the horrible decision of coming back to the real world. The real world sucked. It was bright, your neck hurt from sleeping at a weird angle, and you weren’t some superhero jumping between buildings using webs.

The real world was overrated.

Not able to ignore the pain in your neck any longer you sat up and stretched. You cracked your neck and felt a bit better after the painful pop. The sensation woke you up more as you looked down to see what the hell you had been sleeping against.

Hm. Yeah ok. Reality sucks.

You thought you had been sleeping against the couch but as your mind slowly began to turn back on you realized that you couldn’t wrap your arms around a couch like you had.

But you could wrap them around the arm of the sleeping boy that was next to you all night.

By some magic gift granted by whatever god might be out there, he hadn’t woken up when you sat up. Or when you cuddled back against him while you were still half asleep. And then sat up. Again.

You buried your quickly heating face in your hands and groaned. Did you fall asleep on him while he was still awake? If so then you probably creeped him out. Or drooled on him. Oh god what if you fucking drooled on him.

You look up and dare to peek over at him through the cracks between your fingers. You slowly lowered your hands and just… stared. 

The way the sun hit Connor’s hair reminded you of how it had looked the day you two first met. Like there were strands of dark gold mixed in with his deep brown natural color. He also looked just so… peaceful. There was none of the closed off tension or anger that you had grown accustomed to seeing or the teasing smirks that you had been introduced to the previous night.

This Connor was just content and quiet. He looked so relaxed and you honestly wished that he looked this peaceful more often instead of so on edge.

You blinked as you realized it was very weird for you to be staring at someone while they were asleep. Someone you weren’t even sure if you were friends with. Someone who was very close to your recently discovered half brother.

Yeaaah ok time to stop doing that then!

You pushed yourself up off the ground and looked around the room. Zoe and Alana took up the whole couch now and were still asleep holding each other in their arms.

Ugh. Still adorable as all hell.

You noticed that a lot of the mess from last night was cleaned up and that Evan and Jared were nowhere to be seen. You bit your lip and quietly stepped out of the living room and towards the entrance to the house where the stairs were.

You stood at the base of the staircase and half whispered towards the second floor, hoping that if they were actually there they would hear you. You weren’t exactly comfortable with wandering around the house of what was sort of family that you had just met. You didn’t want to overstep any boundaries.

“Evan? Jared? Are you guys up there?”

“Yeah! Ow- Hey!” You heard Jared yell down at you and then a mix of hushed arguing. It sounded like Jared was cursing at Evan for poking him in the stomach too hard and Evan was telling him to keep his voice down.

You chuckled under your breath.

Evan stepped out of his room and peeked his head around the wall. He looked down and waved at you with a smile. “You can come up if you want ____.”

You glanced over at the rest of the sleeping party in the living room and confirmed that the remaining three were all still sleeping soundly. You quietly came upstairs and followed Evan towards his room.

Evan closed the door behind you as you both stepped in and Jared mumbled an unfocused “Hey” at you from where he sat cross legged on Evan’s bed with a ds in his hands playing old game music quietly.

“Hey.” You said as you sat down on the edge of the bed and looked around the room. It was simple but really nice.

The walls were a faded shade of light blue and there were a couple posters with trees on them decorating the mostly empty walls. The was a bulletin board above the desk tucked in the corner by the window and from where you were sitting you could make out a few pictures of Evan and the others.

You saw one of the group at high school graduation, one of what you assumed was his mom with young Evan, and a selfie of Connor and Evan in some sort of meadow.

Besides that there wasn’t really much to take in. Just the basic bedroom furniture and a collection of paper planets hanging over his dresser. You wondered how long those had been there, they looked like they had a few years of dust on them.

Evan sat himself on the other side of the bed and looked over to you.

“Is anyone else awake yet?”

“Nah.” You shook your head. “Still all passed out. How long have you guys been up though?”

Evan shrugged, “Since about seven? I can’t really sleep in. School schedule is programmed into my body at this point.”

“And I’m a light sleeper.” Jared added as he frowned at the small console in his hands and repeatedly smashed a button.

You and Evan made small talk while Jared played his game. Things between the two of you were starting to feel a lot more natural and you were ecstatic. Having Jared there occasionally throwing a few words into the conversation here and there helped, just like him being there at the cafe had helped.

Evan was always so much more at ease when Jared was nearby and you had a feeling the same went for Connor. You were personally just grateful for the additional person. You were fine with one on one conversations, they just felt forced for you sometimes, especially when it came to new people or forced situations.

Eventually Jared tossed his game to the side and was now lying across the middle of the bed as he explained to Evan why grass type Pokemon would never be better than fire type as you scrolled through your phone idly.

The three of you had agreed to start making breakfast in a few minutes, but planned on waiting a bit so the others could sleep a little longer. The conversation switched to the game night you all had before and Jared started complaining about how he was teamed up against and wasn’t even able to get much popcorn during the movie when he suddenly stopped and looked up at you with a devilish grin.

You squinted at him suspiciously and turned off your phone. “What?”

Evan tilted his head as he looked between the two of you, clearly as lost at the sudden shift as you were.

Jared just kept grinning as he looked away and pulled out his phone. “Oh, nothing. Just remembered something. Y’know it’s funny, I actually got this great picture this morning? Quite a keeper.”

He pulled up an image and turned his phone towards Evan, who’s cheeks immediately were dusted with a light pink blush as he sat up straighter.

Your unsettled curiosity only grew stronger and you leaned forward and reached for the phone, ignoring Jared’s complaints about his arm getting squished as you purposely trapped him beneath your stomach long enough to snatch the phone out of his hand and sit back.

You looked down at the phone and immediately dropped it like it was a hot coal. 

The screen displayed an image of you with your arms wrapped around Connor’s arm and your head resting on his neck while you both slept. 

If it had been Alana and Zoe in that picture you would have thought it was adorable! But it wasn’t. It was you and Connor fucking Murphy and it was embarrassing as all hell.

Jared had woken up before you. And had taken a fucking picture of you, cuddling against Connor. A picture that you had a feeling he saved somewhere else so that even if you deleted this copy you would still be royally fucked.

You buried your face in your hands and groaned.

“What did I do to deserve this?”

“I don’t know. I t-think it’s kind of cute.” Evan sheepishly mumbled as he tried to reassure you.

Jared snickered and grabbed his phone back, while you tried to scrub the image out of your head.

“Oh I agree! It’s down right adorable. Remind me to start placing bets on when Murphy number two and Hansen number two start going out. Oh, and to show this to said Murphy when we go downstairs.”

You flushed and Jared cackled as he locked his phone and shoved it back in his pocket. You kicked his side lightly, only causing him to laugh harder.

“You ass, it’s not like that! I just fell asleep and latched onto whatever was nearby. _Do not_ show it to him.”

Jared hummed like he was thinking it over and Evan pushed his arm. 

“Come on Jared. Plus Murphy number two? Connor’s the older sibling so that doesn’t work.”

“Fine fine, I won’t! It’s too early to call out my flawed logic Ev, don’t do this to me.” Jared groaned.

“Besides,” he added, “If anything this will make _wonderful_ blackmail material in the future. Don’t you agree ____?”

You were going to kill him.

Evan’s stomach rumbled and seemed to remind all three of you that none of you had eaten yet and you still had to go downstairs to start breakfast.

Evan’s face went red again as you sighed and sat up, “You get one free pass before I throw your phone off a bridge. Use it wisely.”

Jared pumped a fist in the air before pulling himself into an upright position, “I plan to.”

The three of you headed downstairs and Jared headed to the kitchen while you and Evan paused by the front door to look in and see if anyone in the living room had woken up yet.

Connor was still sitting where you had left him, but was now scrolling on his phone with his earbuds in.

Noticing the movement he pulled out an earbud and looked up towards the two of you. His eyes locked on you and for a single dreadful moment you worried that he was awake when you had fallen asleep on him.

But his gaze quickly left your eyes as he just gave you both a tired smile and a single wave.

Evan waved back and the two of you started to head towards the kitchen when the sudden sound of the front door unlocking behind you made you both freeze. Evan whipped around and you looked at him with confusion before you saw the scared look on his face and it clicked in your mind.

“Shit.”

Any other moment and you might have been surprised to hear Evan swear in front of you for the first time. But as the door swung open behind you, you were more focused on the shiver that ran through your body as you braced yourself for who was most likely about to walk in.

“Hey Evan, I’m home! Sorry I forgot to text you that I was on my way back from class. I hope that I didn't wake any of your- … friends.”

Heidi had only taken a step through the doorway when you heard her sentence cut off abruptly.

Evan’s hand was now shaking as he twisted the hem of his shirt between his fingers and looked rapidly between you and his mother.

“U-Um mom, I know it’s kind of sudden but this is-”

“____.”

Your eyes widened and you turned around to see Heidi holding the door open, looking shell shocked. Evan’s nervous hands froze and fell to his sides as he stared at his mom with his mouth dropped slightly open.

“You…” Evan whispered.

“You knew.” You breathed.

Heidi stayed still before nodding slowly, still trying to process if you were actually standing by the bottom of the stairs in her house.

“Holy shit.”

All three of you looked over towards the living room after hearing Connor’s voice to see Jared standing in the hall, Alana and Zoe sitting up, very much awake, and Connor with his earbuds in his hand still blasting music that was barely audible from where you were standing, all looking at the three of you.  
Honestly? Connor took the words right out of your mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cackles* i really like dramatic flair and texting fics, can u tell?
> 
> also cynthia is a good mom doing the best she can ok, fight me
> 
> everyone is gay. just. gay everywhere. alana has two moms and no one can take this away from me


	8. when you're broken on the ground

Everyone stayed where they were, no one wanting to make the first move. Pretty much every person in the Hansen's house was worried that if they so much as breathed the other shoe would drop and the thick tension would shatter.

But someone had to do it, and as Heidi clapped her hands together causing half of the group to flinch at the sudden noise, the moment shattered and time moved forward again.

“Well! I’m just going to head to my room. Long overnight shift and all that. Evan, there’s an extra carton of eggs in the fridge you kids can use for breakfast.”

Heidi forced a smile and looked over the group, very much intentionally not making eye contact with you before heading upstairs.

You all stayed in place as the sound of Heidi’s steps faded away and the sound of her door opening and closing filled the otherwise quiet house.

“____…” Evan reached forward, breaking the silence.

Just like that it felt like something snapped in you and an icy hot wave of nausea flooded over you. You took a step back from Evan and held up your hands in a placating matter, not able to stop the slight tremor in them and let out a nervous chuckle.

“I, um, I just need to I uh-”

Evan looked scared, like he didn’t know what to do. His eyes were on you. Everyone’s eyes were on you. Oh god.

“____.?”

“I’m sorry.” You said before turning and running out the front door.

“____!”

You couldn’t even tell who it was that called after you as you burst out of the Hansen’s home, not even stopping to close the door behind you. You didn’t know where you were going. You didn't care. You didn’t know what you were doing. So you ran.

You just fucking _ran._

Your chest was on fire and you couldn’t suck enough air into your lungs as you turned a corner and ran into a nearby park.

You didn’t stop running until you collapsed onto your knees and grabbed onto the tree next to you for support.

Your knees hurt from the sudden impact as you slid down, ignoring the pain in your hand that brushed down against the bark of the tree quickly. They were probably scraped or bruising. None of the pain felt real to you though. The world around you was unfocused as you gasped for breath and stared unseeingly at the ground beneath you.

Everything felt like it was spinning. Your body was on fire and yet you were also breaking out into a cold sweat at the same time. Every breath made you feel like you were going to puke but you also felt like you were going to pass out if you didn’t suck in more air. Or was it the other way around?

Hands were on your shoulders and someone was saying your name while shaking you roughly. It didn’t even process in your mind and yet you were still somehow somewhat aware of it happening.

Your fingers dug painfully into the earth beneath you. The fresh sting from the action actually grounded you a bit this time.

Your sight was still blurry but the world wasn’t spinning anymore. The sight of drops of water falling on your knuckles made you realize that everything was blurry from the hot tears that were falling down your face.

“____...?”

You let out a shaky breath and nodded, still staring down and breathing heavily. You felt sick to your fucking stomach and you were burnt out from running to god knows wherever the hell you were right now.

The hands on your shoulders loosened their grip a bit before pulling away completely.

“Fuck, I don’t know what the hell to do. I’m not good at shit like this, what did you say back then again?”

You were gently pushed back so you were sitting up instead of being crouched over on your hands.

“I won’t get mad if you push me away.”

And suddenly you were being hugged. And everything came rushing back in.

Heidi knew who you were. You ran away from Evan. You were in the middle of a park and Connor was there. Connor was there and he was hugging you and-

A broken sob slipped out of you as you wrapped your arms around his middle.

“I shouldn’t have come here, this was all a fucking m-mistake. I’m not supposed to be here. I’m such a f-fucking _idiot_. I don’t know what I thought would happen.”

Connor’s hold on you tightened, “You didn’t know.”

You barked out a laugh, “Does that even matter? She knew about me for god knows how long. I’m just intruding where I’m not fucking wanted. It’s a-all I ever do, I don’t know why I thought that I could actually try to belong here or something, w-who the fuck do I think I am?”

Connor stayed silent as your crying died down. Your arms loosened around him as you took his silence as a sign that he didn’t want anything to do with your whining. Oh god, you really were just a fucking annoyance weren’t you?

“I-I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with this. Fuck, Evan too. All I’ve done is stir up shit that probably should have never been touched.”

Connor pulled back and grabbed your arms, causing you to look up and meet his gaze. He had a small frown and his eyebrows were knitted together and it was honestly hard to tell if he was more frustrated or sad.

Not that it made much sense to you as to why he would seem sad about any of this, you figured it was somehow both.

“You’re joking right?”

You let out a harsh breath and looked at him with a baffled expression as you shook your head, “Wh-”

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done by coming here?”

The words cut through you like a knife, despite the fact that the way Connor phrased the question wasn’t accusatory but more of disbelief. 

“You’re not the only one who needed a shot at having a family ____. Evan needed this just as much as you did. Heidi is great and she works hard but she’s never around. He has me and he has Jared, but even when he tries to brush it off we’ve both always known that there was still a huge hole that we couldn’t fill.”

Your eyes widened and some of the tension left your body, causing Connor’s grip on your arms to loosen. But he didn’t let go as he continued.

“You gave Evan hope ____. And fuck, Evan’s not the only one you’ve given hope to since showing up.”

Your eyebrows scrunched together, “Connor, I don’t…”

He let out a breathy laugh, “Nope, don’t finish that. You’re not allowed to deny that you’ve changed so much for the better. If you hadn’t shown up I honest to god don’t know if I would have ever been able to get to where I am now. Fuck, nothing has really changed but at the same time _everything_ has changed. That’s because of you.

Despite how much of a fucking dick I was to you, you didn’t let Zoe say that shit about me. That doesn’t happen ____. People have always just gotten in my face or stared and whispered or ran away because of me. But somehow you showed up and saw something in me that I’m not sure anyone ever has and you didn’t give a fuck what others said.”

You remembered the drawing and felt your cheeks heat a bit as you remembered the flowers and their meanings. 

He smiled softly as he noticed you register that he had figured out the drawing's symbolism before pressing on,

“You told me to fucking try with Zoe. You’re not the first one to have told me that, but fuck if things hadn’t gone the way they did it scares me to think that I might not have asked for help or have started working with Zoe to fix shit or _any_ of this.”

A part of you wants to say that he made those steps and you didn’t have anything to do with it, but you also knew he would just cut you off again so you made a mental note for later.

“I don’t know why Heidi didn’t say anything to Evan or reach out to you. I don’t know about any of that, but for better or worse neither does Evan. No matter what happens with Heidi, what you’ve started with Ev is something really good. And sorry not fucking sorry, but you’re not allowed to regret making that happen.”

You chuckled softly and dropped your head on his shoulder as you hugged him.

“Thank you…”

Connor hugged you back, “Yeah well, you’re important to Evan and you’re kind of my friend now or something or whatever so that means you matter to me too.”

You pulled back and smiled as you wiped your face with your arm. Connor helped you up and you carefully wiped the grass off your sore knees before smirking softly up at him.

“So... Kind of friend or whatever?”

Connor blushed and looked away, trying to keep a grumpy look on his face, “Or whatever. I don’t know.”

You giggled and bumped lightly into him playfully, “Friends is good.”

His cheeks were still a bit red as he peeked at you and cracked a smile, “Yeah, alright then.”

That being said and done, you grimaced as you took in your state of being for the first time since everything went down.

Your sweatpants had grass stains on them where you had been kneeling. You had run out without shoes on and could tell you had scraps on the bottom of your feet, your knees, and a few on your hand from grabbing onto the tree as you slid down mid panic attack.

Your hair was blown in about a hundred different directions and some if it stuck to your face from all the tears and sweat. 

In other words, you were a complete fucking mess.

“Ugh, there are… many reasons why I am not looking forward to going back to the house.”

Connor chuckled and shook his head as he looked down at your feet. You looked down to notice that he had just thrown on his black vans without socks. 

At least he had enough sense to remember shoes before running out of the house.

“Here,” He said as he pulled a hairband off of his wrist. “Turn around real quick.”

You quirked an eyebrow at him but complied. In a matter of seconds he had masterfully fixed up your hair into a tastefully messy bun. A major improvement to your appearance already.

You turned back towards him with a look of surprise as he smirked cockily at you.

“I’m actually kind of impressed Murphy.”

He snorted as the two of you started to walk back towards the house, “Well when you have a little sister who insisted on you doing her hair throughout the majority of your childhood before things went to shit and hair as long as mine, it’s kind of a given that I’d have a bit of practice.”

You hummed, “Makes sense.”

The two of you walked back in surprisingly comfortable silence after that. You went over the events of the the morning in your head and felt embarrassed by your reaction. You had freaked out in front of literally everyone.

To make things worse it wouldn’t have surprised you if your sudden bolt out the door had caught Heidi’s attention from the second floor window. Great.

As the two of you approached the driveway of the house your pace slowed to a halt as you felt your nerves kick in again.

Connor stopped in front of you and looked back at you with a questioning glance.

You chuckled nervously as you side glanced at your car, “You know maybe I could just text an apology to the group chat and just dip out early instead.”

Connor raised an eyebrow and his expression very clearly read _“Are you kidding me”_ as he placed a hand on his hip,

“I mean yeah you could do that but there’s only one problem with that brilliant plan of yours.”

“What?”

Connor smirked coyly, “Your keys are in the house.”

You groaned, “Fuck.”

Connor laughed and motioned for you to follow him, “Come on ____, better get it over with sooner rather than later.”

You practically dragged your feet as you followed him, but begrudgingly still found yourself standing in the small foyer with Connor closing the door behind you.

Alana peeked her head around the corner from where she was in the kitchen and exclaimed just a little too brightly,

“Oh! You two are back. Just in time, we just finished making the food.”

Connor kicked off his shoes and shoved his hands in his pockets as he headed in, “Cool, sounds good.”

You wrapped your hand around your arm as you followed and said much less enthusiastically, 

“Yeah, thanks.”

Connor shot you a thumbs up as he headed into the kitchen where everyone else was. Everyone except for Evan, who was clearing off the coffee table and grabbing a couple chairs so everyone could bring their food into the living room.

You stood there as he quietly worked, making a point not to look at you. You took a shaky breath and went for it.

“Hi..”

Silence.

Cool, so you ruined everything! Way to go ____!

You mentally slapped yourself. Self deprecating thoughts and internal meltdowns could wait, for now focusing on Evan was most important.

“I’m..” You looked down at your feet, feeling a heavy weight settle in your chest, “I’m really sorry Evan.”

“You’re _what?_ ”

You looked up to see Evan looking at you with a look of surprise equal to your own.

“I’m sorry?” You tried again.

Evan shook his head and set down the chair he was moving, 

“W-What are you sorry for? I’m the one who’s sorry. I s-should have talked to her or something. I should have… god I don’t even know but I was so scared that when you ran out you wouldn’t come back and that I ruined everything.”

He looked away from you and curled in on himself as he said in barely more than a frightened whisper, “I still am.”

You stepped towards him, “Evan, no. I-” 

Wouldn’t leave because of what just happened? That wasn’t necessarily true. You had been in the mindset to pack up your shit and go before Connor talked you down, even if it was for different reasons than what Evan was thinking.

You clenched your fist by your side before closing the distance between you and Evan and pulling him into a hug.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m scared too and I’m hurt. I don’t know what any of this means, but what I _do_ know is that I’m really happy that I met you. And that I still really want to become a part of your life… if that’s what you still want too.”

Evan sniffled and nodded as he hugged you back, shaking slightly.

“Y-Yeah, I d-do. I’m uh, really glad you’re here ____. And I know that this is still all super new but I r-really want you to stay.”

You squeezed him tight, “Then I’m not going anywhere.”

You pulled back and smiled at him softly and he smiled back as he wiped away a stray tear.

“Awww the siblings are back together again. I love a touching reunion. This is the highlight of my morning, truly.”

You rolled your eyes as you let go of Evan completely, “And thank you for ruining the moment Jared!”

Jared cackled as he stepped in balancing plates filled with just a little too much food. “Anytime, it’s what they pay me for.”

“No one pays you for anything. You’re still broke. Get a job.” Connor said as he followed in with a plate and already working on finishing a piece of bacon.

He shot you a half smile that you returned as you took a plate from Jared and Connor flopped carelessly onto the couch to grab the remote for the tv.

Alana and Zoe were the last to come in and Alana beamed at you and Evan as she sat down in one of the free chairs,

“It’s wonderful that you two are alright. Even if Jared was joking, it really was a touching moment.”

You choked on a mouthful of scrambled eggs and Evan’s face darkened with a deep blush as he stammered,

“Y-You g-guys were listening to us?”

Zoe lightly kicked Alana’s foot, “Lana!”

“Oops, my bad!”

Jared gulped down half of his juice before taking a dramatic breath and tilting his cup at the two of you, “Watching from the kitchen to be more precise, but eh details.”

“Ohh great, thank you for the insight. Really, it’s appreciated _so_ much.” You stated sarcastically as you deadpanned at him.

Jared chuckled and returned to inhaling his food and the rest of you followed suit as Connor tried to find something worth watching as he picked the food off of his plate.

Twenty minutes, several individual trips for seconds, and a few bad episodes of cartoons later and you were all thoroughly stuffed and ready to start heading out after cleaning up.

As you carried all the dishes to the kitchen where Alana and Zoe were tag team washing them, Connor had disappeared and Evan and Jared were packing up the leftovers.

Despite how much everyone had eaten, they had made enough eggs to feed an army. If Heidi didn’t claim the leftovers later then at least Evan would have food and not have to worry about dealing with delivery for a night.

You all made quick work of getting the clean up taken care of and just as Zoe handed Evan the last mug to put away in the cupboard he looked around and asked, 

“Where’s Connor?”

Zoe frowned slightly, but didn’t seem to be actually upset. At least not by much. “He’s probably outside getting high.”

“Not quite, but close enough to be honest.”

Everyone turned around to see Connor leaning against the kitchen wall, holding up his backpack with a forced casual air about him.

He tossed the bag onto the kitchen table and moved past Jared to get a water bottle from the fridge.

“Alright ladies, gentlemen, and Kleinman. While this shit has been a very much needed breath of fresh air before things go to all sorts of hell, I think it’s time to get shit rolling.”

Jared threw in a slightly annoyed, “Hey.” But besides that everyone was quiet as they watched him sit on the kitchen table and open his backpack.

“A toast,” He said as he pulled out two pill bottles and twisted off the lids with a small pop.

He counted them out and held them in his hand and the water bottle in the other, “To getting my shit together or some crap like that.”

Connor looked down at the hand that held the pills, the weight of them resting on his palm feeling so much heavier than they actually were.

Evan pulled up a chair and put his hand on Connor’s thigh, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Zoe walked over and pushed herself up on the table, so she was squished against Connor on the other side of him.

A small smile spread on Connor’s lips as he looked between the two of them. He looked over all of you and the false bravado he had washed away and was replaced with the fragile uncertainty they all knew he was really feeling.

“Well… here goes nothing.” 

He let out a shaky breath and looked back down at his hand before lifting the pills to his mouth and followed with the water.

Jared let out a whoop and Alana clapped quietly, while you watched Connor with a proud smile on your face.

Zoe wrapped her arms around his arm and rested her head on his shoulder as she squeezed lightly,

“One step at a time. We can do this Con.”

Evan nodded and stood up to hug Connor, “You’re not going through any of this alone.”

Jared chimed in, “Yup, we literally won’t let you. I will fight you if you try to do this solo.”

Connor chuckled, “Wow, I almost felt intimidated there for a whole ass second.”

Jared huffed, trying to hide his smile, “Good, you better be downright fucking terrified.”

You rolled your eyes, “When Jared fails I’ll be happy to kick your ass, but it’s not going to get to that point anyways so... I guess that means you're safe.”

“It better not, cause _you_ , I’m actually scared of.” Connor said.

You all laughed and Connor hugged back into Evan and Zoe’s embrace.

Things were only just beginning and there was so much uncertainty and valid concern about how things would turn out. But as long as you all stuck together, you knew you would all be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drawing of honestly one of my favorite moments so far https://maybemochas.tumblr.com/post/184518974213/self-indulgent-screencap-of-the-latest-chapter-of
> 
> I still plan on drawing the sketch reader did of Connor during their first class, ill add it to that chapter and let nyall know in the latest relevant chapter when i do!


	9. an open field that's framed with trees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every time i have to edit the fic before posting and do the coding for the group chats a little part of me dies inside

_Jared Kleinmeme has added Zoe Murphyeet and Alana Beck to the chat_

**mystery girl:** :0

 **Zoe:** :0

 **mystery girl:** the lesbians are here

 **kinky:** yeah boooi

 **ConMan:** why 

_Zoe Murphyeet has changed their name to jazz4ursoul_

**ConMan:** WHY

 **jazz4ursoul:** why not

 **mystery girl:** ur jazzaphobia is showing connor

 **kinky:** oh my fucking god

 **jazz4ursoul:** im stealing that

 **mystery girl:** id be offended if you didnt

 **ConMan:** i hate you all

 **kinky:** ya like jazz?

 **mystery girl:** no

 **mystery girl:** but zoe is good so i make an exception

 **jazz4ursoul:** acceptable

 **kinky:** where’s nerd 1 and nerd 2

 **ConMan:** ev’s at work

****

**jazz4ursoul:** and lana doesn’t check her phone often

 **jazz4ursoul:** unfortunately :c

 **kinky:** omg

 **kinky:** how does ur relationship survive without constant texting

 **jazz4ursoul:** calls ;)

 **kinky:** >:0c

 **mystery girl:** intimate :0c

 **jazz4ursoul:** i guess???

 **kinky:** not really dude

 **mystery girl:** wH

 **mystery girl:** AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESNT CALL A LOT

 **ConMan:** nah ur valid

 **ConMan:** Evan will literally have an aneurysm if he’s on a phone call for more than a minute

 **kinky:** can confirm

 **mystery girl:** oh thank god

 **mystery girl:** i need that validation to live

 **jazz4ursoul:** big mood

 **kinky:** small mood

 **ConMan:** thats not a thing

 **kinky:** well it is now

 **kinky:** i only need my own validation

 **mystery girl:** keep ur self inflation kink out of the chat

**kinky: n e v e r**

**anxitree:** So many notifications…

 **jazz4ursoul:** Evan!!

 **anxitree:** Zoe! :O

 **anxitree:** Hello!

 **ConMan:** could it be

 **ConMan:** is THE evan hansen on his phone during a shift

 **kinky:** im so proud

 **anxitree:** No!!!!

 **anxitree:** Well, yes, but!

 **mystery girl:** omg

 **anxitree:** My phone was buzzing like crazy! It was just to turn it on silent I swear!

 **kinky:** he says as he continues to text us

 **mystery girl:** can you hear that evan

 **mystery girl:** thats the sound of my heart b r e a k i n g

 **anxitree:** D:

 **ConMan:** dont listen to ur mother, im proud of u

 **ConMan:** rebel more

 **jazz4ursoul:** you would be the worst dad

 **ConMan:** pretty sure thats larry but go off i guess

 **jazz4ursoul:** connor >:/

 **mystery girl:** connor >:/

 **mystery girl:** dont snatch my dad’s title

 **mystery girl:** ill kick ur ass

 **ConMan:** oof

 **ConMan:** you raise a somewhat valid argument

 **ConMan:** but also i have depression so i win

 **mystery girl:** bitch me too the fuck

 **mystery girl:** sit down we all do

 **kinky:** excuse

 **kinky:** actually yeah ok u right

 **Alana Beck:** Ok first of all hello. Second of all how do I mute the chat so my phone stops exploding in my bag. And third of all I don’t have depression but you are all so valid.

 **kinky:** omg i change my mind

 **kinky:** one person in the chat with proper grammar is manageable but 2 is sacrilege

 **ConMan:** suffer

 **jazz4ursoul:** settings are in the top right babe!

 **Alana Beck:** Thank you! :)

 **kinky:** gaaaaay

 **mystery girl:** i would fucking hope so

 **kinky:** >:0c

 **kinky:** the rumor come out

 **kinky:** does is ____ is gay??

 **mystery girl:** first of all perish

 **mystery girl:** second of all, how dare you not recognize my chaotic disaster bisexual energy sooner

 **ConMan:** ay same hat

 **mystery girl:** ayyyy

 **kinky:** my apologies, my gaydar has been unfocused as of late

 **mystery girl:** ur forgiven ig :/

 **kinky:** wow not even gonna ask why

 **ConMan:** ugh

 **ConMan:** y

 **kinky:** hOW KIND OF YOU TO ASK

 **ConMan:** i change my mind dont tell us

 **kinky:** too late :3

 **jazz4ursoul:** fear

 **kinky:** wow i cant believe you all HATE me

 **mystery girl:** ehhhhh

 **ConMan:** you act like you didnt know

 **anxitree:** I don’t hate you!

 **mystery girl:** eVAN ILY BUT GET OFF UR PHONE

 **anxitree:** I’m on break now!

 **mystery girl:** hmmm

 **mystery girl:** ur g then

 **kinky:** pay attention to meeeeeeeeeeeee

 **ConMan:** did u guys hear smth

 **kinky:** :(

 **ConMan:** alright alright what

 **kinky:** i

 **kinky:** have

 **kinky:** an

 **kinky:** announcement 

**mystery girl:** we

 **mystery girl:** know

 **ConMan:** i hate you both 

**jazz4ursoul:** im incapable of hate but same

 **mystery girl:** >;3

 **kinky:** >;3

 **kinky:** ok ok but for real

 **kinky:** as i was saying

 **kinky:** my dudes i have an announcement 

**kinky:** god has finally heard my prayers

 **kinky:** and i got a job

 **kinky:** k u can applaud now

 **anxitree:** That's awesome Jared!

 **ConMan:** i dont recall listening to anything u say but ill take the credit, you're welcome

 **kinky:** ha ha

 **jazz4ursoul:** thats lit tho, where at?

 **kinky:** thats the BEST part

 **kinky:** starting next week i will officially be a sales person at lush aka heaven

 **mystery girl:** YO WHAT

 **kinky:** Y E AH

 **jazz4ursoul:** HOLY SHIT THATS SO COOL

 **ConMan:** im lost

 **anxitree:** It's the self care store he really likes.

 **ConMan:** ah

 **mystery girl:** discounts????

 **kinky:** ofc

 **mystery girl:** k cool im rdy to sell my soul to you now

 **jazz4ursoul:** same

 **anxitree:** Oh dear.

 **ConMan:** ??????

_Jared Kleinmeme changed his name to bath boi_

**bath boi:** yes good

 **anxitree:** I'm surprised you didn't make it bomb boy.

 **bath boi:** >:0

_Jared Kleinmeme changed his name to bomb boi_

**ConMan:** pretty sure wre just gonna call you bath boy

_Connor Murphyeet has changed Jared Kleinmeme's name to bath boy_

**bath boy:** NO

 **mystery girl:** ok while that is good, I raise you this

_mystery girl has changed Jared Kleinmeme's name to bath baby_

**ConMan:** LMAO

 **jazz4ursoul:** iM SOBBING

 **bath baby:** i hate u all

 **Alana:** Even I admit this is pretty funny. Sorry Jared.

 **ConMan:** ____ is my new fav person in this group, sorry Ev

 **anxitree:** You're forgiven. :’)

 **bath baby:** bold of u to assume i wont change it back

 **ConMan:** bold of you to assume I won't kick ur ass

 **mystery girl:** bold of you to assume i wouldnt change it back the second u touched ur name, no matter how many times it took

 **bath baby:** is tht a promise or a threat

 **ConMan:** yes

 **mystery girl:** yes

 **jazz4ursoul:** Incredible 

**bath baby:** i crave death

 **jazz4ursoul:** just dont eat a bath bomb. there are so many better ways to go

 **bath baby:** wHAT ARE U TALKING ABOUT THATS THE BEST WAY 2 GO

 **mystery girl:** love the cronch…

 **anxitree:** Please don't eat a bathbomb. You'll die.

 **ConMan:** thats the point

 **ConMan:** let him die

 **bath baby:** ouch. that's cold man even 4 u

 **jazz4ursoul:** Is it though

 **bath baby:** ok fair

 **ConMan:** you got me there

 **anxitree:** I gotta go, my break is over.

 **anxitree:** ____ are you still picking me up at the end of the shift?

 **mystery girl:** ye

 **kinky:** oh worm whats this

 **anxitree:** I’m going over to ____’s after work to see her apartment! And talk about… things.

 **ConMan:** secret "mom didn’t tell u about ur alleged sister" things

 **jazz4ursoul:** fun

 **jazz4ursoul:** almost as fun as the “hey dad im on meds now and go to therapy” talk you still gotta do

 **ConMan:** hhhh

 **jazz4ursoul:** just get it over with, maybe it wont be as bad as u think

 **ConMan:** …

 **jazz4ursoul:** yeah no, u right. that message was a dirty lie

 **mystery girl:** F

 **mystery girl:** if u want you can come over and meet my cat before you die

 **ConMan:** im down

 **mystery girl:** cool, i’ll send u the info. come over like,, an hour after evan’s shift

 **mystery girl:** should be enough time for us to get over our angst session

 **bath baby:** angst session

 **mystery girl:** i mean

 **mystery girl:** basically

 **jazz4ursoul:** im stealing that too

 **mystery girl:** thank god, someone has to carry on my legacy

 **jazz4ursoul:** i gotchu

 **mystery girl:** thank

 **mystery girl:** aight, see you guys in a bit

 **jazz4ursoul:** have fun! id tag along if i didnt have rehearsal

 **jazz4ursoul:** connor im stealing the last muffin you hid in the back of the fridge if u dont get me at LEAST 5 cat pics

 **ConMan:** please no, thats literally the last uncontaminated by cynthia’s gluten free spree food we have left

 **jazz4ursoul:** exactly

 **jazz4ursoul:** so u better come through bitch

 **ConMan:** fuck u

 **jazz4ursoul:** >;3

 **jazz4ursoul:** i take my leave here, i expect cat pics soon

 **ConMan:** ugh fine bye

 **bath baby:** peace

 **bath baby:** ...

_Jared Kleinmeme changed his name to bomb boi_

_mystery girl changed Jared Kleinmeme's name to bath baby_

**bath baby:** DAMMIT

\---

You strolled into Pottery Barn, deciding to wait inside where there was air conditioning instead of sitting in the parking lot heat. Evan’s shift was over in a few minutes so you just walked around and looked at overpriced furniture until he came out from the back and found you.

You smiled at him and as you both walked out you asked, “Ok the stuff here is alright but how the hell do you guys stay in business? Who spends $50 on a fucking couch pillow?”

Evan snorted, “Connor’s mom.”

“No… Oh my god yeah you’re right.” You laughed.

The drive to your apartment was pretty uneventful as you two talked about small things. He asked you about classes and you vented about how brutal the class you had with Alana was and told him about the art class you had with Connor.

Evan mentioned how much he loved Connor’s art as you parked the car and how he wished he could do something like it.

“Why don’t you then?” You asked as you stepped out of the car.

Evan shrugged, “I’m just not good at making things. The best I can do was the doodles I would draw in my notebook in high school.”

You hummed as the two of you walked through the building, “What about photography?”

“Photography?” He blinked.

“Yeah! It’s still artistic and you love trees and nature. I took a class for it junior year of high school. I remember my teacher saying how like, while things like drawing and painting is creating art out of nothing, taking pictures is finding art out in the world and just capturing a focused image of it.”

Evan lit up as he listened, “That’s actually really cool ____! I never thought about it like that before.”

“I hadn’t either before to be honest. She was a really good teacher, that was one of my favorite classes… I might still have my camera in one of the boxes I haven’t unpacked. If I find it I don’t mind lending it to you.” You offered.

“Nonono I couldn’t ask that of you! Something like that is really expensive and important and what if I broke it or used it wrong? I-”

You shot him a look as you stopped in front of the door of your apartment and he cut himself off with a bashful look.

“If you’re ok with it then… that would be really nice. Thank you.”

You smiled at him and unlocked the door, “I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t trust you. Plus I want to see what kind of pictures you’d take so!”

You opened the door and let Evan in. A few boxes to the side caught your eye and you excused yourself awkwardly,

“Sorry about the mess. I got sidetracked with school and stuff and haven’t taken these out yet.”

Evan shook his head, “I don’t mind!”

He walked down the short hallway and looked around, “This is a really nice place, you have a really good view.”

You smiled and walked towards the kitchen, “Thanks!”

You got two glasses of water and led Evan up towards your bed where Luna was curled up still asleep peacefully. Evan took a cup from you and thanked you for it before his eyes landed on Luna and his face lit up.

“Awwww!”

You giggled and put your cup on the nightstand before sitting on the bed and petting her. She stretched and let out a sleepy confused chirp as she blinked open her eyes and saw Evan.

He crouched down on his knees and asked, “Is it ok if I..?”

“Yeah go for it, she loves any attention she can get.”

Evan reached forward and hesitated a moment before gently rubbing the top of her head with his fingers. Luna leaned into his touch and immediately started purring.

You swore you saw actual stars in Evan’s eyes.

The two of you stayed like that in peaceful quiet for a while as Luna soaked up all the attention and pets she could. After a while though, you both began to feel a bit nervous as the purpose of the visit came up in both of your minds.

You bit your lip and glanced over at Evan who smiled weakly at you as he adjusted so he was sitting on the floor with his back against the bedside.

“Have you talked to your mom about what happened?" You asked bluntly.

“No...” Evan shook his head, clearly relieved that you started the conversation so he didn’t have to, 

“I honestly haven’t had the chance. She’s been home maybe three times since that morning. Out of those three times I only saw her long enough for her to remind me there was pizza money on the counter.”

“That… sounds really lonely.”

Evan laughed bitterly, “It is.”

He smiled as Luna hopped off the bed and started walking back and forth in front of him, bumping her cheek against his knee affectionately every time she turned around.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love my mom and I really appreciate everything she does to keep us afloat. She works harder than anyone I know and I don’t know how she does it. I just… I wish that she was around more.”

You nodded as you shifted so you were lying on your stomach and looking over at him.

“That sounds hard. For the both of you. Have you had the chance to talk to her about it before?”

“Once. It was senior year, a few months after Connor and I became friends.” He paused, absentmindedly petting Luna as he got lost in thought for a moment before continuing slowly.

“I made a lot of choices I probably shouldn’t have. I didn’t tell my mom about Connor. I didn’t have any friends before him and I felt like if I told her about him she’d scare him away or constantly ask about him and I just… couldn’t deal with that pressure on something so fragile and new, you know?"

You had a hard time picturing a time where a connection between the two boys was something capable of being broken so easily. They seemed to care about each other so much that it surprised you a bit to hear it wasn't always like that. 

"I couldn’t explain to her how we met and I _definitely_ couldn't tell her how we became friends.

There were a lot of things I couldn’t tell her. So I pushed her away. Which is really saying something because how on earth do you push away someone who’s never there?” He asked exasperatedly.

“You shouldn’t have to feel like you owe people answers to that extent…” You said quietly.

Evan smiled weakly at you, “She’s my mom. She does everything for me and she really cares about me. I know that. I knew that… but I just don’t- _didn’t_ feel it, if that makes sense.”

You rested your chin on your crossed arms and thought this over for a moment.

“It makes sense. I understand where you’re coming from even though I never really experienced anything like that. My life has just kind of always been my own. I didn’t owe anyone answers as to what I did or what my plans were because no one really cared. No one asked.” You shrugged nonchalantly.

Evan’s hand stilled as he was petting Luna and he looked up at you with a serious expression.

“I care.”

Your cheeks flushed and you felt tears prick at your eyes as a sudden warm feeling spread through your body. It didn’t occur to you until just then just how much you needed to hear that from someone.

There were bad days where you were hyper aware of just how lonely you were and how much it hurt. Those were the days you missed the mom you never got to know the most. But the loneliness had become so ingrained in your life that hearing someone say that they cared about you so bluntly was a lot more impactful than you realized.

“Thank you Evan.” You smiled softly at him.

He smiled back.

“So you didn’t tell your mom about Connor.”

Evan nodded, “Yeah. I didn’t tell her about it and pushed her away a lot. I vented to Connor about her, Jared, school, _everything_. He was the first person I really felt like I could tell anything to.

She eventually found out after Alana did something… really stupid and brought a lot of unwanted attention on Connor. He um…”

Evan let out a shaky breath and hesitated before finding the right words, 

“He tried to kill himself because of what she did. And when he ended up in the hospital and I was there with his family my mom saw me and put together the pieces.”

Your eyes widened, “Oh…”

He bit his lip and looked away from you, “It’s a really sore subject so if you could not bring it up to Connor…”

You shook your head, “I would never. I’m not going to go around poking my nose in business that isn’t mine, especially if it’s things like that. Shit like that isn’t meant to be out there for everyone to see, y’know?”

Evan huffed bitterly, “If only someone had told Alana that.”

His eyes widened in shock at the sharp words that came from him, “Oh god that was… really mean. I’m sorry.”

You reached over and squeezed his shoulder, “Don’t worry about it. You don’t seem like the type to really think poorly of others. Whatever she did, if it makes you feel that way then your feelings are probably valid.”

Evan nodded slowly, clearly still ashamed of himself, but he locked it away in his head and returned to the topic at hand.

“So my mom found out about my friendship with Connor and she got really worried about my mental health and his and asked a lot of questions and it turned into a pretty big fight." He sighed.

"We made up, obviously, and that was when we talked about how I felt about her being gone all the time. Between the fighting and the making up.”

He frowned and pulled his knees towards his chest as he looked down at the floor,

“It changed things for a while. She would set aside nights and we would have dinner together or watch movies or something, but it only lasted a few months before it was back to her empty promises of taking the night off and forgetting she ever said anything.”

You paused for a moment before saying, “Fuck I’m sorry... That’s really shitty, for the both of you.”

“Yeah…”

“As much as I want answers, it’s honestly more important that you talk to her about how you feel before anything else. If that means I don’t come up or become part of the equation then that’s ok with me.” You said.

Evan’s eyebrows pinched together as he pet Luna, who had curled up next to him on the floor.

“That’s not fair to you though ____. Plus I want to know why she didn’t say anything too.”

You shrugged, “I’m not saying it’s not important. Just.. one step at a time. You deserve to put yourself first sometimes too. You do know that right?”

A small smile spread across Evan’s lips, “Connor says the same thing… It’s still hard to wrap my head around but I’m starting to think it’s ok, even if it's only a little bit.”

You smiled proudly, “That’s good. Even if it’s only a little bit, putting more value in yourself is important.”

Evan chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his neck, “Y-Yeah, I guess.”

You blushed a little as you realized how awkward it was that you were saying super straightforward things like that. 

Cue internal screaming.

And the doorbell going off apparently.

You both jumped at the sudden loud noise and you immediately pushed yourself up as whoever was at the door kept pushing the button rapidly, causing Luna to get up and start meowling in confusion.

“I’m coming, fucking chill!” You yelled as you got up and headed for the door. The doorbell kept ringing until you threw open the door with an irritated frown, which was met by a bemused tired smirk from Connor.

“Do you greet all your guest like that?”

“Do you break all your host’s doorbells like that?”

“Touche.” He chuckled as he walked in.

You rolled your eyes and closed the door before following him in, however you only made it to the end of the hall before bumping into him as he stopped abruptly.

You weakly hit his shoulder and whined, “Why are you like this?”

“Holy shit… It’s so tiny.” He muttered, completely ignoring your disgruntled question and half assed attack.

You squinted up at him before leaning to the side and looking over his shoulder.

“You mean Luna?”

Evan giggled as Connor just stared down at Luna in awe. “He really loves cats.”

You couldn’t help the amused grin that spread on your lips as you stepped around Connor and saw his face as he and Luna both stayed in place and stared at each other with big eyes.

Connor slowly crouched down on the balls of his feet and held out his hand, almost as if he moved too suddenly she’d run away. Lucky for him, Luna was literally one of the sweetest little babies ever.

She let out a small meow and trotted over towards him, causing him to suck in a breath in anticipation.

Luna paused to sniff at his outreached hand before she licked it once and started rubbing her head against his hand.

“Oh my god.” He whispered as he started petting her and as she purred happily in response. 

It took everything in you not to laugh. You didn’t want to ruin the moment he was having with your overly affectionate cat. Plus he literally looked like he was on the verge of happy tears. It was great.

You quickly pulled your phone out of your pocket and snapped a picture. Connor immediately looked up at you, suddenly aware of his surroundings and the phone in your hand as he frowned and stood up.

“Delete it.”

You smirked coyly as you held the phone behind you and took a step back, “What? Zoe said she wanted kitty pictures, I’m just gathering images towards the cause of you getting that muffin you guys talked about.”

Connor’s eye twitched before he huffed and turned away, “Fine.”

You chuckled and pocketed your phone as you walked past him and scooped up Luna before heading towards the bed.

You plopped back onto the bed and sat with your back against the headrest, while Connor sat on the edge of the bed next to where Evan was still sitting on the floor.

You thought she would settle in your lap like always, but instead Luna immediately crawled out of your arms and made her way across the bed towards Connor.

You gasped and put a hand to your chest as he smirked at the small victory, “I can’t believe you stole my fucking cat.”

Connor snorted as he pet Luna, “Hey she’s a big girl, she can make her own decisions and she decided that she loves me more. Sorry not sorry.”

You pouted and crossed your arms, “Asshole.”

He stuck out his tongue at you and your fake pouting was replaced with a small chuckle.

“So what have you guys been up to?” Connor asked.

Evan shrugged, “Oh you know, talking about the void of parental presence in our lives, lack of self worth, all fun things.”

“Yeah pretty much.” You nodded.

Connor quirked an eyebrow at the two of you, “Jesus, that good huh?”

“Yup.” You said, popping the end of the word. “How bout you? How’s day three of medication?”

Connor sighed and laid back on your bed, “Kind of uneventful so far. I can tell they’re starting to kick in because my sleep schedule is starting to get fucked.

It’s really fucking hard for me to fall asleep. I get like a few hours at best and it comes up with some not so fucking fantastic dreams.”

You hummed as you looked over to his face and took note of the dark circles under his eyes, 

“Same thing happened to me when I went on my meds at first. Before the heavy stuff kicked in at least. The first couple weeks are the worst.”

Evan and Connor both looked over to you with a mix of shock and interest.

“Y-You’re on medication?” Evan asked.

You nodded, not really uncomfortable with the topic. It had never really bothered you much or been something you felt like needed to be tiptoed around or hidden.

“Yeah, I have been for four years now. They put me on prozac for anxiety and depression. It doesn’t work for everyone and to be honest finding the right stuff can be a very shitty trial and error process. I just so happened to get lucky and the stuff they gave me ended up working well, just needed to increase the dose.”

“Not gonna lie, I did not peg you as the anxious type.” Connor said bluntly.

You shrugged, “I’m pretty straightforward for the most part and I don’t take shit, but I am screaming internally literally every five seconds of my life and that's on a good day.”

Evan snorted, “You’ll have to teach me how to do that instead of ending up reduced to a rambling mess.”

“Bold of you to assume I don’t ramble, I can be the biggest apologetic mess at times. To be honest you could probably dump hot soup on me and I’d be the one apologizing.” You joked.

“Holy shit you guys really are related.” Connor chuckled.

Evan’s face lit up red and you felt a blush heat your cheeks as well, “Y-Yeah, I guess so…?”

“It’s too bad we didn’t know each other growing up,” Evan said somewhat lightly, “We could have been anxiety buddies.”

“Yeah.” You chuckled.

You both went quiet. Despite the joking, you were still really stressed out about Heidi knowing about you and about how your dad had kept Evan from you. It still scared the crap out of you that if you hadn’t found those emails that you might have gone your whole life never knowing Evan existed.

Connor looked between the two of you, both lost in thought with frowns on your faces. 

He instantly recognized the look on Evan’s face. It was the look he got when the wheels in his mind started going a little too fast and he was working up towards a spiral of getting lost in uncertain areas in his head.

His eyes flicked over to you to see a similar look in your eyes.

Huh. Siblings.

Alright, you’re both too high strung.” Connor said as he pushed himself up and pulled out his keys. 

Evan watched Connor stand, shaking the thoughts in his head away as he asked slowly, “Yeah I guess. Were you thinking…?”

Connor winked and Evan perked up, seeming to understand something you didn’t.

“Thinking?” You asked and tilted your head as you looked at Connor in confusion.

He smirked and turned towards the door, “You’ll understand when we get there, grab a jacket and come on, I’m driving.”

 

\---

“Uhhh…”

Connor snorted as he turned off the ignition and looked at your extremely confused face.

You all stepped out of the car and much to your surprise, Evan took off the second he was out of the car.

You laughed and quirked an eyebrow at Connor who just grinned and said,

“Welcome to our very own private, very fucking abandoned apple orchard.”

“Are we allowed to be here?”

Connor shrugged as he led you towards the rusted open gateway, “Technically it’s trespassing but also we’ve been coming here for over two years now and have literally never seen another soul within a ten mile radius so it’s fine.”

“Eh, good enough.” You said as you stepped over an overgrown bush that spread across a worn out pathway.

Connor barked out a laugh as you two headed towards where Evan was inspecting the trees further in.

“It took coming out here five fucking times before Evan finally chilled out about the legality of this shit.”

You bit back a smile, “That sounds about right.”

Evan turned around as he heard you two approach. He had a huge grin on his face and you were taken back a bit. You’ve never seen him so openly happy like this before. It was blinding and his joy was infectious you noticed as you felt some of the tension in your body from stress fade away.

You took a deep breath and looked around as you placed a hand on a nearby tree. It was late in the afternoon and the sun had only just barely started to set. The open overgrown field was framed with trees and patches of grass and overgrown plants were lit with a warm golden hue that filtered in through the trees surrounding them.

Everything was quiet except for the sound of a gentle breeze and a few birds chirping nearby. You closed your eyes and smiled as you just listened and took it all in.

“This place is amazing.” You whispered before slowly opening your eyes again.

You looked over to see that Evan had climbed up the tree you were standing by and was sitting on one of the lower branches with a relaxed smile on his face as he looked over the orchard.

You blinked in surprise and you lowered your gaze to find Connor was staring at you. Your cheeks heated and his eyes widened as he processed he had been staring before ripping his eyes away from yours and turning towards the tree that Evan was perched up in.

It had caught you off guard to say the least to see Connor staring at you like that. Maybe he was just looking at something behind you or you had a leaf in your hair or something... Yeah, that's it.

You shook your head and watched as he grabbed a low branch and pulled himself up.

Evan looked down and noticed Connor heading up so he shifted and let Connor pass him before looking up and finding his own path up.

“So you guys come here a lot?” You asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” Connor said as he found his footing.

Evan nodded, “We came here the most back in high school. If either of us had a bad day or just needed to get away from everything this was our place to go.”

“So it’s really important to you guys…” 

You suddenly felt like you were intruding on something extremely private. Connor glanced down at you and added,

“Yeah it is, but you guys both had way too much on your minds. Plus we wouldn’t have brought you here if we weren’t both ok with it so don’t overthink shit.”

Evan smiled at you and you felt a bit better about being there with them after that. 

You bit your lip and watched them as they both climbed with relative ease. It was obvious they had done this a lot.

Connor found a strong branch high up and sat himself against the trunk of the tree before looking down and noticing you were still standing at the base of the tree.

“You not coming up?”

“I think I’ll pass, you guys have fun though.”

Evan took more time as he made his way up towards Connor as he called down, “That’s ok ____. Are you afraid of heights?”

You shook your head and moved to sit against the base of the tree on the ground, “Kinda? It’s more of I’m afraid of falling I guess.”

You heard a branch snap above you and your head whipped up to see Evan holding a broken off branch in his hand and a startled expression on his face. Connor looked equally spooked and had a hand on Evan’s arm.

Evan chuckled nervously and used Connor’s arm to pull himself up and settle on a sturdy branch. “It’s all good. I’m fine.”

You placed a hand on your chest and let out the breath that you had been holding as you looked back down, “Jesus, don’t scare me like that, it goes without saying but other people falling out of trees is scary too.”

Evan and Connor shared a look. You didn’t notice the sudden tension or the way that Connor reached out and took Evan’s shaking hand and squeezed it.

You picked a few strands of grass from the ground and tied them in knots mindlessly as the two talked quietly in the tree above you. It was nice.

You don’t know how much time passed like that or when you ended up drifting off but eventually you found yourself being shaken awake.

“____ wake up, we should start heading back.”

You yawned and rubbed your eyes and saw that Connor was crouched in front of you and was the one who woke you up.

A quiet _“oof”_ and the sound of feet hitting the ground by your side caught your attention and you looked over to see Evan standing up after landing on the ground from his jump off of a lower branch from the tree.

The sun had set by now and the orchard was now draped over with a deep blue-ish purple that matched the darkening almost night sky. You stood up and cringed at the sharp pain in your neck from sleeping in that position.

Connor chuckled as you tried to crack your neck, “Been there.”

“I’m pretty sure Connor has woken up with a sore neck like ten times when we’ve been here.” Evan added.

“I appreciate the validation.” You said flatly as you rubbed at the sore spot in your neck. 

The three of you piled up in Connor’s car again and headed back towards town. Connor suggested driving through McDonald's before dropping the two of you off.

The asshole almost just bought a black coffee and drove through without telling the employee your orders. You and Evan both agreed to never let Connor be the one driving if you guys went to a drive thru again.

Connor dropped off Evan first and you told Evan to remind you about the camera while Connor checked his phone.

Once Evan was inside you turned around to see Connor typing furiously on his phone before tossing it into the compartment under the dashboard radio.

“Are you… ok?”

He buried his fingers in his hair and you cringed and how hard he was pressing them into his head. His knuckles were turning white. He let out a frustrated sigh and let his hands run through his hair before putting them back on the steering wheel.

“Do you care if we take the long way back?” He asked, ignoring your question.

You frowned as you took in the firmly pressed straight line of his lips and the furrowed brows of his face. You nodded and sat back, deciding not to push.

“Yeah that’s fine with me.”

He shot you a relieved glance before turning the ignition on and pulling out of Evan’s driveway.

The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes as Connor drove more in the direction of the longer country roads on the edge of town.

Okay, so you guys were taking the very fucking long way back.

You broke the silence as you muttered, “You know if you don’t want to go home then you could just crash at my place for the night.”

Connor paused to consider this for a moment before shaking his head, “Nah, if I put it off it’ll just make things worse probably.”

“For you or for them?”

Connor’s grip on the steering wheel tightened, “Both probably.”

“Sorry, that was a dumb question.” You cringed.

“No, it’s. It’s fine.” 

You bit your lip and nodded, not really sure what to do to make things better. A minute or two passed by before Connor spoke up.

“Zoe texted me. Larry- my uh, my dad, found out about the meds. She didn’t know how but she heard him yelling at Cynthia about it.”

“Shit.” You breathed.

“Yeah. Not exactly how he was supposed to find out.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Go back, probably get in a fight with him. Then I’ll rather end up driving away Zoe in the process and fuck that whole thing up all over again or he’ll take the meds away and lock me in my room and shit will just all go back to square one.”

You looked down at your hands in your lap. “Yeah maybe, don’t do that.”

Connor huffed.

“It’s how it always goes, it’s not exactly like I just not fucking go back or not fucking fight with him.”

You frowned, “Not what I meant.”

He glanced over at you and quirked an eyebrow questioningly, “What then?”

“I meant don’t just give up like that. Yeah, you’re probably going to fight with your dad but the rest of it doesn’t have to end up that way so don’t say it will before anything has even happened yet.”

Connor shook his head as his irritation seeped into his voice and he became more angry.

“That’s how it always goes though! This isn’t some fucking story where everything just is suddenly different because of one shitty pep talk! Don’t act like you fucking know what any of this is like. It’s been like this since I was a fucking kid.”

“Okay but you can fucking change that!” You said as you threw your hands up, ignoring the sting in your chest at the words he spat at you.

“Zoe and your mom both know you want to change, right? For fucks sake, they were the ones who were by your side when you got fucking diagnosed. So before you go home and all shit goes to hell maybe fucking talk to them?”

Connor went silent and kept his eye on the road as he sped up to borderline dangerous speeds. He was clearly still pissed off but he was listening so you took that in stride and kept going.

“Text Zoe and tell her that you need space unless said otherwise because you know things will get bad with your dad and you’ll be prone to lashing out. Call your mom and say you’re sorry he’s taking it out on her because you’re not there and that you’re going to try to handle it. Don’t just assume that they don’t want things to be different too Connor.”

Connor didn’t say anything for a few minutes and you crossed your arms and stared out the window, ignoring the sound of his leg bouncing up and down repeatedly. 

He suddenly slowed down and pulled over to the side of the road. Neither of you made a sound as he turned off the car and just like that, everything around you was still.

“Do you really think they’ll understand?” He finally asked.

You sighed and let your arms relax as you lifted your head off the window and looked at him again,

“They’ve understood so far haven’t they?”

The tapping of his leg got faster but he nodded once. You let out a breath you had been holding and Connor bit his lip before practically whispering,

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?” You asked with a worried look.

“Of fucking all of this up? Of ending up alone. Losing of Evan. Losing Zoe…” He let out with a broken laugh.

You reached out and put your hand on his leg, startling him enough that he flinched before relaxing.

“None of that is going to happen.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Actually I do.” You retorted without hesitation.

Connor looked at you as you tried to put on a reassuring smile.

“Everyone knows that you’re trying to change. You’re not the only one trying to change. So is Zoe and so is your mom. I can’t speak for your dad but I know that they’re ready to try just as much as you are.

And you’re a fucking idiot if you think they’re the only ones who have your back.” You huffed with amusement.

Connor looked down to the side and flushed. “I guess…”

“Newsflash asshole, Jared and I promised to kick your ass if you tried going at any of this alone.” You smirked.

Connor laughed weakly, “Wouldn’t want that…”

You laughed and sat back, taking your hand off his leg now that he seemed to be in a better mindspace.

“Hey ____?” 

“Yeah?” You tilted your head.

“Thanks.”

You smiled at him, “No problem.”

Connor looked up and smiled back before sighing and grabbing his phone. You scrolled through social media on your own phone while he sent a text to Zoe and called him mom like you had suggested.

“Yeah. Yeah I’ll do that. Thanks mom. I love you too. Bye.”

Connor turned his phone off and let his head fall back against the headrest. “Well that’s done.”

“You good?”

“Sort of. I feel a little better I guess.”

“That’s good then.” You said.

“Yeah…” Connor smiled at you before tossing his phone onto your lap and turning the ignition back on.

“Find something to play, will ya? I should actually take you back now, I’ve held you up long enough.”

You shook your head as you pulled up Spotify on his phone, “If I pass out in class tomorrow morning it’s all your fault.”

“Sorry.” He chuckled.

“It’s fine.” You rolled your eyes and hit play on a random playlist and Dirty Little Secret started playing through the car radio.

Connor groaned and shook his head,

“Why did you go for one of the cringy high school emo phase playlists?”

“Oh please! Your entire life is an emo phase.” You snorted.

Connor chucked and shoved you lightly, “Don't attack me like this.”

You laughed and reached to pick up his phone again, “Alright alright, if it's really so bad I'll just- Hey!”

Just as you picked up the small device, Connor swatted at your hand and made you drop it.

“I didn't say you had to change it.”

You rolled your eyes and looked out the window again, only this time with a fond smile on your face. You two didn't talk much as he drove down the winding country road and you watched fields pass by.

It was nice, you were worried about Connor facing his dad but for now you both silently agreed to just enjoy the moment.

You didn't need conversation to be comfortable in each other's presence. And if you heard Connor quietly singing along to nearly every song that came up on the playlist? No one needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm jared gonna cronch some bath bombs
> 
> this chapter came out a lot longer than i expected but i didnt want to cut it off before they went to the orchard. reader is starting to get a bit more info about life before she moved to town :Dc 
> 
> i have so much backstory planned its going to be painful and im excited
> 
> (also if you didn't see it before, i added a link to some art i drew of my favorite scene from last chapter in the end notes!)


	10. not so black and white

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for dad fighting and minor self harm, i know that can be a common issue for peeps

Connor turned off the ignition and sighed as he let his head fall forward and rest against the steering wheel. He parked out front of the house and just wanted to stay in the car or just drive away and not deal with this. He was so tired.

Instead he grabbed his phone and looked at his most recent messages. He had the usual good night text from Evan and an unread response from Zoe to the text he sent her after the conversation he and you had earlier.

 **Zoe:** ok, I appreciate the warning. I won’t step in or anything but just text me when you’re good ok?

 **Connor:** ok i will

He almost turned off the phone, but paused before sending one more text.

 **Connor:** thanks zo

 **Zoe:** np, good luck

Connor sat in the car and stared at nothing in particular as his leg started bouncing up and down rapidly. It was a nervous habit he had given up on repressing years ago. 

“Fuck.” Connor hit the steering wheel with his fist before throwing the door open and getting out of the car, ignoring the fresh throbbing pain in the side of his hand.

Larry was already sitting in the living room when Connor walked in. He was sitting on the couch with his hands clenched in his lap as he glared at the bottles of Connor’s medication on the coffee table in front of him.

He didn’t look up as Connor closed the front door behind him. His voice held no room for argument. 

“We need to talk.”

“...Yeah just give me a minute.” Connor muttered before heading upstairs and opening the door to his room.

He shrugged off his jacket and traded it for one of his old hoodies that always helped him feel more comfortable in his own skin and tossed his keys on his bed before heading back downstairs.

He walked into the living room and threw himself down into one of the seats across from the couch. He crossed his arms and frowned down at the ground to the side of him as his leg started bouncing again.

“Care to explain yourself?” 

Connor’s eye twitched. “You already know everything.”

Larry let out a heavy sigh. “No, actually I don’t. Which is why I asked.”

“Really?” Connor laughed. 

“Because you always seem to know _everything_. You know that my mind is fucked to all hell and back. You seemed to know that shit needed to be done after what, the third time I tried to off myself? 

You were pretty damn sure of yourself when you flipped the door and turned my room into a fucking cage. So save us both some time and cut the crap.”

“I was just doing what I thought would be safe.” Larry frowned.

“Safe?” Connor’s voice shook as it got higher. “Safe for who? For Zoe? For Cynthia? Because it sure as hell wasn’t for my sake.”

“Don’t do this Connor. It was a precaution in case you-”

“In case I _what?_ Did you honest to god think I was going to attack them?”

Connor felt his heart sink as he looked at Larry and saw his face.

“You actually thought I was going to hurt them...”

“Not your mother. Just Zoe.” Larry stated.

Connor’s hands shook as he laughed hollowly.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Larry pinched his brow in frustration, “Can you really blame me Connor?” 

“Whenever you’d throw one of your tantrums you would threaten your sister. You would always go after her first and you’re unpredictable when you get like that. I was doing what I thought was best. I couldn’t risk you hurting your sister.”

“The only person I would ever hurt is myself!!!” 

Connor screamed as he stood up.

Larry flinched and his eyes went wide as he looked up at Connor. 

For the first time since the conversation started he actually looked at his son and his neutral stony expression faltered.

Connor felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes but he willed them away. He fucking _refused_ to cry in front of Larry.

“You think I'm not fucking terrified of myself? You think I _like_ being like this? Fuck you Larry. You don't know jack shit.”

Larry's knuckles turned turned white as he tore his gaze away from Connor and stared at his clasped together hands.

“You don't exactly make it easy. I don't understand why you suddenly dragged your mother and Zoe into _this_.” He said as he gestured to the bottles on the table.

“It isn't sudden. I've needed this for fucking years. I've already changed even if you're too dense to see it. Evan understands me. Zoe doesn't pretend. She doesn't want to look away from this fucked up mess we made anymore. Cynthia listens… More than you ever have.”

“Give me something to listen to and I will!” Larry said as his increased volume in his voice dripped with exasperation.

“What do you think every time I fucking got high or tried to kill myself was? It was me trying to end the fucking pain but it was also a cry for help that you’ve ignored for years!”

“Don’t you dare put that crap on me.” Larry spat as he stood up as well.

“Your stupid choices to ruin your life have all been your own. Just because you want to stand there and throw around the blame for your self destructive behavior on everyone else doesn’t mean I have to take it.”

“You’re honestly going to stand there and say my suicide attempts were just dumbass moves for attention? What the fuck is your problem Larry!?”

“That’s not what I said and you know it! You’re taking words out of my mouth Connor.”

“You didn’t have to say it! You’ve never bothered hiding how much of a fucking joke you think I am!” Connor yelled.

“You’re disappointed of the embarrassment of a son you got stuck with. All this crap is just a show for attention, isn’t that right? Did it ever occur to you that even if that was the case that maybe something was seriously fucking wrong for a person to feel the need to go that far just to be seen?”

“I see how you’re throwing your life away.” Larry laughed bitterly.

“The drugs, the fights. Barely graduating high school by the skin of your fucking teeth. Honestly Connor, it’s a wonder that you didn’t get expelled. 

Not to mention when I thought you were actually considering taking your future seriously for once when you mentioned college but it just turned out you just wanted to dick around and doodle random crap instead of pursuing a real career.”

The transparent disapproval and disgust laced in Larry’s voice was pushing Connor to the edge.

“I’m not the one taking my future seriously? Newsflash asshole, it’s all I ever think about! I didn’t even plan to be fucking alive by now!”

“That’s just another thing I’m a failure at I guess.” He laughed dryly. 

“I’m so much of a fuck up I can’t even kill myself properly.”

“Connor-” Larry started with a grimace.

“No! _Shut the fuck up Larry!_ ” Connor yelled as he threw his arm to the side and smashed his fist against the wall behind him.

Connor was seething now as he continued, “I’ve taken so much of your _fucking crap_ my entire life and I’m sick of it! And now that I’m actually trying to change. Now that I’m actually trying to find something that makes me happy, you’re trying to crap all over it.”

“You want to know why I asked Zoe and mom not to tell you about me getting diagnosed? Because I _knew_ you would do this. I knew that no matter what I fucking did you would always be disappointed in me! You'd go off on mom for "coddling" me and give Zoe some big speech about how I'm too far gone. There’s literally no fucking winning with you.”

Connor’s fists were clenched so tightly by his sides now that he could felt his nails break the skin of his palms.

“And you want to know why they actually agreed and kept their mouths shut? Because they knew I was right too.” Connor added coldly.

“Don’t you _dare_ use them as a shield for your stupidity. You had no right to hide this from me, I’m your father and I had a right to know this was happening!”

“You don’t even know me!” 

_“And who’s fault is that??”_

The room filled with a heavy silence. 

Connor looked like he had just been slapped and Larry looked shocked at his own words before his face went blank and filled Connor with dread. 

“Dad I-” 

“Get out.” 

“What?” Connor whispered as his voice cracked. 

“You’re right, I don’t know you. You’re a stranger to me...

Get out of my house.”

Connor felt everything that had built up inside of him over the years flare up all at once. And then just like that he felt nothing.

His eyes glazed over as he stared at Larry who stood his ground.

His body switched to auto pilot as he snatched the pills off the coffee table and stormed out of the house. He wasn't even aware of the sickening crack that split through the quiet night air as he slammed the front door behind him.

He stared up blankly at the sky before shoving his hands in his pockets and walking towards his car.

“Shit.” He muttered. He left his keys in his room. Fucking fantastic.

Connor started walking and pulled his phone out of his pocket, pulling up Evan’s contact and calling without fully processing he was doing anything. Even when he was emotionally shut down, his subconscious still knew to go to Evan.

The phone only rang a few times before Evan picked up.

“Wh… Connor?” Evan mumbled quietly on the other side of the line. 

“Sorry, I forgot you were asleep.”

“It’s fine…” Evan said over the sounds of him shuffling in bed and sitting up.

Connor let out a shaky sigh and Evan became more alert.

“Connor? What’s wrong?”

“My uh, my dad he..” Connor drifted off as he felt a lump in his throat.

“He what?”

“He kicked me out.” Connor laughed through a broken sob.

Was he crying? He was crying. Wonderful.

“He _what?_ ” 

“Y-Yeah, he finally snapped I guess. It’s ironic isn’t it? It’s not until I actually try to get my shit together that he decides I’m not worth the trouble anymore.”

Evan was silent on the other end before he commented with a sharp edge to his voice.

“That’s bullshit.”

Connor laughed. “Yeah, it really fucking is.”

“Where are you right now?” Evan asked.

“Uh,” Connor looked around, taking in his surroundings for the first time since leaving the house.

“I think I’m by the park. Y’know, _the_ park.”

“Fuck.” Evan muttered as the sounds of shuffling from his end got louder.

“I’m going to head over there now. Wait for me at the spot. And Connor?” He paused.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you dare hang up.”

Connor huffed and wiped at one of his eyes with his sleeve as he stepped off the sidewalk and onto the patch of grass on the edge of the unlit park, 

“What, don’t trust me not to do something stupid?”

Evan replied without hesitation, but his voice wasn’t accusing, “If you’re there of all places? Then no, not really.”

“You wouldn't if I was there either.” He added.

Connor sighed, “Yeah that’s fair…”

He walked up to an all too familiar bench and stared down at it as a sick feeling twisted in his stomach. He wanted to be anywhere but here but it didn’t surprise Connor that his feet had led him to this spot.

Connor turned the call volume to speaker and clutched his phone one hand as he sat down and stared absentmindedly at the ground.

Evan kept talking to him and tried to keep him distracted until he could get there but it was all drowned out by the itch Connor felt crawling up his arms. 

His grip on his phone tightened and his leg started bouncing before he put the phone down on the bench beside him and dug his fingernails into the scars that burned into him under the long sleeves of his hoodie.

\---

The loud sound of your phone buzzing on the surface of the nightstand beside you abruptly snapped you awake as you jolted up with a gasp.

Luna jumped out of your lap, startled by the sudden movement and you briefly apologized to her before reaching for your phone. You had set the buzzer on it to extra strength because you had a habit of sleeping through your alarms otherwise but right now you were regretting changing the settings as you squinted at the all too bright screen of your phone in the dark.

You frowned and hit the answer call button and lifted the phone to your ear.

“Zoe?”

Your eyes widened as you heard Zoe sobbing on the other end, “_-___…”

You sat up and turned on the lamp beside you as you felt a spark of worry ignite in your chest.

“Zoe, breathe. What’s wrong?”

The car ride with Connor immediately came rushing back to your mind and you felt a heavy seed of dread fall in the pit of your stomach.

“Is it Connor?” You asked.

Zoe nodded on the other end before remembering you couldn’t see her and sniffling, “Y-Yeah, he- ____ it’s really bad and I don’t know what to do.”

You gripped the sheets below you and tried to calm the rapid beating in your chest, “Is he ok? Zoe tell me what happened.”

Zoe tried to calm herself enough to form coherent sentences, “Sorry that probably s-sounded like. He’s fine, well- no he’s not fine, but he didn’t hurt himself or anything… that I know of.”

You let out the breath you were holding and your grip loosened but you still were worried, “Okay that’s good. Just keep breathing ok?”

Zoe nodded again out of habit but didn’t say anything this time as she hiccuped and tried to calm herself more before continuing.

“Our dad kicked him out.”

“He _what?_ ” You inhaled sharply.

“I d-didn’t catch everything that they said but it was really bad ____. They haven’t had a fight that bad in a while, but he’s never been kicked out like this before.”

“Shit.”

“I d-don’t know what to do ____. I don’t know where he is or if he’s ok and I promised him that I wouldn’t approach him until he was ready but I’m fucking terrified right now and I don’t know what to fucking do!”

The crying started up again and you cursed internally as you tried to figure out what to do before Zoe worked herself up into a panic attack.

“Okay, it’s okay Zoe. Connor is going to be okay. I’ll check in with Evan and see if he’s heard anything. Are you able to get ahold of Alana?”

Zoe’s voice broke and she had to stop before repeating herself clear enough for you to understand, “S-She’s um, she’s not really able to call this late. I’m talking to her through a messenger right now though.”

“Okay that’s good, keep talking with her. Do you need me to come pick you up?” You asked.

“I um,” Zoe hesitated before letting out a shaky sigh. “Y-yeah I think that might be a good idea if that’s o-okay.”

“Of course it’s okay.” You said as you got up and looked for shoes to slip on and grabbed a jacket.

“You can come crash at my place for the night, alright? I’ll text Evan and see what I can find out too, I’m sure Connor is with him right now or at least talking to him.”

That was a lie. You weren’t sure. But Zoe needed the reassurance and honestly? You did too.

“Yeah, I hope so… I’m really sorry ____.”

“Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to apologize for Zoe. I know we’ve just met but you can come to me anytime if you need anything.”

“Thank you…” Zoe muttered tiredly, coming down from how much she had been crying.

“No problem.” You smiled as you grabbed your keys.

“I’ll head over now, okay? I should be there in about fifteen.”

“Okay. I’m going to let my mom know, I doubt she’s asleep right now. Thank you again ____.”

“Sounds good, I’ll see you in a bit.” You said before hanging up and heading out the door.

You got in your car and pulled up your messaging app.

____: Hey Evan, have you heard from Connor? I just got off the phone with Zoe and she’s freaking out.

____: I’m omw to go pick her up, she’s gonna spend the night at my place, please let me know if you hear from Connor and if he’s ok

You bit your lip and put on some music to help calm your nerves as you headed over to the Murphy’s house. The roads were all but abandoned so you were able to roll down your windows and drive pass the speed limit without having to worry about getting pulled over.

It helped clear your mind but nothing could really do much for the tight worried feeling in your chest as your thoughts kept coming back to Connor.

He was really worried about facing his dad and having this happen was… not good. You just prayed to whatever god was out there that he wasn’t doing anything stupid right now.

You pulled up and parked in front of the Murphy’s house, immediately frowning when you realized the car you parked behind was Connor’s. You had planned to just wait out in front of the house for Zoe, but now you felt something dangerous spark inside of you as you processed what information you had as of this moment.

Connor was out god knows where. At like two in the fucking morning. Without his car and for all you knew, without his meds to get him through however long this would last.

Zoe called you in tears and was shaken up enough to the point where she needed to get out of the house because whatever had gone down between Connor and his dad was really that bad.

Connor was trying. Zoe was trying. Everyone wanted things to get better and none of you had any doubts that there would be some pretty fucked up obstacles. But this? This made you livid.

You got out of the car and slammed the door behind you before walking up to the front door of the house. You stopped and were taken aback as your fingers traced the frame of the doorway where there was now a long crack running up the door-frame that hadn’t been there before.

You jumped and pulled your hand back as the door was suddenly thrown open and there was an older man standing there staring you down.

“Can I help you with something?” He asked with a frown.

He looked irritated but he seemed more tired than anything. Not that it really mattered to you as you crossed your arms and glared up at him.

“I don’t want anything from you. I’m here for Zoe.”

His eye twitched and he moved to close the door, “I don’t know who you are and I’m not letting my daughter near a complete stranger at this hour. Goodbye.”

Your arm shot out and you stopped him from closing the door in your face, much to his and quite frankly, _your_ surprise. You’d probably come to regret being so aggressive later on but you were tired, worried for your friends, but most importantly you were fucking _pissed_.

“With all due respect Mr. Murphy, which, isn’t much by the way; Zoe asked for me to come here and while she may be your daughter and she may be a high school student, she is eighteen and can make this decision on her own.”

He glared at you and his grip on the door didn’t give just as much as the pressure you were putting on it to keep it open didn’t give either as you smirked darkly at him.

“Call the cops or whatever the fuck you want. But you have no grounds here and if Zoe wants to crash at my place because you’re an asshole who doesn’t know how to treat his kids then that’s her god damn choice.”

Larry was infuriated and despite the bravado you were putting on and your own justified anger there was a very large part of you screaming _“Oh crap this is how I die!”_ as you recoiled slightly at the obvious oncoming hell you were about to face.

“You have the _audacity_ to-”

“____?” 

Zoe’s timid voice interrupted Larry and all pressure on the poor front door was instantly released from the both of you as Larry whipped around to see Zoe standing at the foot of the staircase with a bag slung over her shoulder.

“Zoe, go back upstairs. Your _friend_ was just leaving.”

Zoe paled and gripped the strap of her bag despite taking a step back on instinct. “I um…”

“Yes, she is leaving. With Zoe.”

Everyone’s eyes widened as Cynthia stepped out of the master bedroom and frowned at Larry. No one moved for a moment and you felt a little queasy. The tension was thick enough that it would take a fucking chainsaw to cut through it and you suddenly felt very out of place in the middle of this family feud. 

Cynthia tore her cold and clearly furious gaze away from Larry who was frozen to the spot and immediately looked to you with a warm smile. Not gonna lie, you were experiencing some hardcore whiplash as she stepped forward and spoke to you,

“It’s good to see you again ____. Have you settled in alright at your apartment?”

Your eyes flashed over to Zoe in a wordless plea of confusion but she looked just as baffled and at a loss for what to do.

“Um, yeah. All settled…”

Cynthia nodded and Larry moved out of her way, clearly taken back by how she was acting. Cynthia didn’t even acknowledge his existence and you suddenly felt immense respect for the woman and made a mental note to not get on her bad side.

You nearly jumped out of your skin as you were suddenly pulled into a hug but understood as Cynthia whispered.

“Take care of them. I'm trusting you.”

She pulled back and smiled at you, but her eyes were fierce as she searched your face.

You met her gaze and nodded once. You weren't going to let her down and you knew this shit was serious.

She nodded, seemingly satisfied with what she saw before turning away and looking at Zoe.

“You go on ahead ok sweetie? If you need anything just call.”

Zoe walked towards the two of you and kept her gaze down as she passed her father. “I will.”

Cynthia smile and pulled her daughter into and hug and kissed her cheek before letting her go.

“I love you.”

Zoe smiled tiredly at her mom before stepping towards you and out the door. “Love you too mom.”

“I'll be sure to drop her off at school in the morning Mrs. Murphy.” You said as Zoe started walking towards your car.

“Thank you ____, I appreciate it.”

Your eyes quickly glanced over to Larry and you felt an icy chill shoot through your body as his eyes locked on yours for that single split second.

Maybe Connor won the worst shitty dad contest after all.

You muttered out a goodbye before you turned around and headed towards the car.

You and Zoe were dead silent until you were both in the car and a good five minutes away from the house before Zoe finally let out a shaky laugh.

“I can't believe you said all of that to my dad.”

You snorted. “Neither can I. I'm pretty sure if you hadn't shown up exactly when you did he would have ripped me apart.”

Zoe laughed again, this time sounding a little less forced.

“Probably. I don’t think I’ve seen him look that angry at anyone besides Connor.”

You cringed, “Greaaat. Good to know I can never step within a ten mile radius of your house ever again."

"...Shit usually hits the fan whenever I do anyways so maybe that’s for the best anyways." You added dryly.

Zoe sighed and rested her head against the window as she typed out a message to Alana, 

“No, that’s not you. That’s just how things usually go. It’s been happening less often since Connor started leaning off weed and got out of high school but it still gets bad…”

You wanted to apologize but held off as you glanced over at Zoe who was staring down at her phone and biting her lip.

“Have you uh, heard anything? From Connor or Evan?”

“Shit, I haven’t checked yet.” You grimaced as you turned onto the street of your complex.

“I’ll check when we get there, we’re almost there anyways.”

“Okay, thanks.” Zoe nodded. “I don’t want to make things worse but I’m really worried about him.”

You chuckled lightly, “That’s fair. He’s your brother, it’s normal to be worried for him.”

Zoe turned off her phone and stayed silent as you turned into the parking lot before admitting,

“It actually hasn’t been normal for a long time.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’d be so upset with him whenever something like this happened that I just.. wouldn’t care. I’d just be angry or hurt instead. I was selfish.”

You hummed and thought this over as you parked the car and turned off the ignition before turning and looking at Zoe. She looked like she was ashamed of herself and that didn’t completely sit right with you.

“I think you already know this but from what I can tell no one was completely at fault or completely a victim in any of this… 

Just because you see things differently now and you and Connor are changing doesn’t mean any of the things you went through or felt at the time are any less valid.”

Zoe wrapped her arms around herself and looked up at you hesitantly,

“You think so?”

“Yeah.” You nodded.

“Things have changed. You guys are trying to move forward, but that doesn’t make everything else go away. Honestly in some ways when it comes to shit like this you need to be selfish just to survive.”

You frowned as more than a few unpleasant times you had to learn this for yourself came to mind.

“You’re doing the best that you can Zoe. And I think by now you realize that none of this is black and white. No matter what happens with any of this you still have people who love and support you, okay?”

Zoe’s shoulders dropped and she let out a shaky sigh before leaning towards you and giving you a hug that you returned instantly.

“Thank you ____.”

“No problem.” You replied quietly as you squeezed back.

You pulled back and smiled at her tiredly, “Now then, let’s head on up. You can take the bed and I’ll check and see what I can find out while you get settled in. Sound good?”

“Yeah.” Zoe smiled back.

You led her upstairs and into the apartment. Once you had introduced her to Luna and shown her where the bathroom was you went to the kitchen and heated up some hot water before leaning against the counter and finally checking your phone.

 **Evan:** Hey sorry for the late reply. Connor’s with me, we’re walking back to the house now.

 **Evan:** Connor is going to stay here for a while I think. Is Zoe ok?

 **Evan:** That was a stupid question. Sorry.

 **Evan:** ____?

 **Evan:** Trying not to freak out here but I haven’t heard back from you and I need to know if you two are ok.

Crap.

____: shit sorry Evan!! Some things went down and i kinda forgot to check my phone before leaving their house

You were in the middle of typing a follow up message when your phone buzzed in your hands instantly, causing you to squeak and almost drop the small device.

 **Evan:** Oh thank god.

 **Evan:** Sorry, I knew everything was probably fine but I just got really worried. I’m glad you’re safe!

Your chest felt warm and you smiled to yourself before going back to the issue at hand. Happy sibling feelings could wait. The Murphys? Not so much.

____: yeah, we're good

____: zoe is in bathroom rn and im debating if i should make tea or hot cocoa

 **Evan:** She likes hot chocolate more.

____: thank

____: hows connor?

The instant replies stopped after that.

You bit your lip and placed your phone on the counter while you got two mugs out of the cupboard. Your eyes kept drifting towards the screen of your phone but it wasn't until you finished making the drinks that you got a response.

 **Evan:** He's been better. But he's also been worse so…

____: Gonna play it safe and say same for Zoe

 **Evan:** Fuck.

____: Evan w/e ur middle name is Hansen!

 **Evan:** I'm stressed! Stressful times mean stressful words!

____: ur valid but im still much shocked

You chuckled at the brief relief from the weight of tonight's events before typing again.

____: should i stop by after i drop off zoe for school? 

**Evan:** That would be good.

 **Evan:** But what about your classes? D:

____: i'll only be missing history and alana can fill me in on what i missed

____: if needed i can drag connor to art class too so it works out

 **Evan:** That might be a bit dangerous with his emotions right now but it might also help him.

 **Evan:** Drawing always helps. Even if it's only a little bit most times.

____: we'll play it by ear then

____: u should get some sleep

 **Evan:** You too. I'll see you in the morning?

____: Yeah sounds good. Gnight evan

 **Evan:** Good night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, ngl writing this chapter was a bit of a struggle. i hope it doesn't show too much lmao
> 
> whats the significance of the park? :3c u probably already have a guess but if not find out on the next episode of dragon ball zed


	11. even when the dark comes crashing through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer; i do not have bipolar disorder but i have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and add. ive been medicated and gone through therapy so even though theyre different things im doing my best to write connor's experiences accurately. im sorry if anything is ooc or inaccurate in advance!

Staying true to your word to Cynthia despite the heavy exhaustion that weighed down on both you and Zoe, you dropped her off at her high school first thing in the morning before texting Evan and telling him you were heading over.

You had already missed the majority of your early morning class and Zoe said she already asked Alana to take notes for you in history so you didn’t feel completely like a failure for missing two classes by the second week of the semester.

When you arrived at the Hansen household you were relieved to see that Heidi’s car was nowhere to be seen.

Evan opened the front door and smiled up at you looking as dead tired as you felt.

“Hi ____.”

“Morning. How are you guys holding up?” You asked cautiously as you stepped into the house.

“Surviving.” Evan shrugged.

“Neither of us really got much sleep.”

You sighed, “Same for us. Zoe got a couple hours in but it was pretty much time to get up and go by the time either of us had settled in.”

Evan grimaced, “I’m sorry.”

You shook your head, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

You bit your lip and looked upstairs before glancing back at Evan.

“We haven’t heard anything from the Murphy’s yet… Just you and Zoe.” Evan muttered before locking eyes with yours.

“What happened after Connor got-” Evan paused before lowering his voice.

“After he got kicked out.”

You sighed and the two of you stepped out of the foyer and into the living room for a bit more privacy. Based on how hushed Evan made his voice you assumed that Connor wasn’t ready for an update of the events that followed the fight with his dad.

By the time you finished recalling the events of the night Evan was curled up on the couch hugging his knees to his chest with a frown on his face.

"This is all so messed up." He finally said quietly.

You hummed in agreement before looking towards the stairs.

"Is he..?"

“Yeah he’s up there. He hasn’t really moved since we got back and uh, took care of some things.” Evan mumbled, obviously tripping up and almost saying something he didn’t think he should.

You smiled reassuringly at him before asking, “Should I…?”

Evan shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine right now honestly... We haven’t eaten or anything yet so I can stay down here and figure something out while you try to talk to him.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me.”

You both nodded to each other before Evan headed to the kitchen and you went upstairs. You stopped in front of the closed door of Evan’s bedroom and took a deep breath before knocking gently,

“Connor? It’s ____. Can I come in?”

When you were only met with several beats of silence you frowned before sighing and raising your voice semi-dramatically,

“Alright then, you better be fully dressed and all that crap because whether you like it or not I’m coming in now.”

The door opened easily and you stepped in to see Connor lying on his side on Evan’s bed facing away from you.

“Hey.” You said as you walked up to the edge of the bed.

Connor grunted in acknowledgement and made no move to turn towards you or stop staring blankly at the wall across from him.

You sat down on the edge of the bed by his legs and leaned over enough that you could see his face. He had dark circles under his reddened eyes and his hair was laid out messily around his face with a few stray strands stuck to where tears had dried who knows how long ago.

He glanced down at you and huffed quietly before pushing himself up and sitting against the headrest.

“What are you doing here ____?”

His voice sounded so raw. Seeing him like this made you want to hug him and you quietly realized in the back of your head that the past couple weeks had revealed you were very much a physical comfort type.

“I wanted to come by and check up on you and Evan. I was really worried… Still am.” You responded gently.

Connor crossed his arms and glared at a spot on the wall beside you to avoid eye contact.

“Why? You talked me up on the ride to your place and then I dropped you off. End of story. How did you even know I was at Evan’s?” He asked.

“Because that wasn’t the end of the story.” You replied.

He glanced at you in silent question. You saw a spark of cautious curiosity and… a little bit of fear in his eyes as he waited for you to explain.

You bit your lip debating if it was a good idea to just jump right into it, but you realized that leaving Connor in the dark would just put him on edge more and probably come back to bite everyone in the ass later on, so you told him everything.

You told him how Zoe had called you after the fight and how you went to go pick her up, only to be confronted by Larry. Connor was shocked as you filled him in on how Cynthia had stood between the two of you and Larry and was clearly pissed at him for kicking Connor out.

“She’s disagreed with him fuck knows how many times, but she’s never done that before.” He muttered as he processed the information.

“It was actually kind of badass. And terrifying. I did not realize a smiling woman making small talk could ever actual be scary as hell.”

Connor smirked briefly, “Guess that’s where I got that from then.”

The half smile was gone as soon as it had come as he let out an exhausted sigh.

“I dragged Zoe into shit again despite literally going into that place swearing that she wouldn’t get involved.”

“Things don’t always go as planned.” You consoled.

“Yeah, I didn’t exactly have _get kicked out_ on the list of things to get done.” Connor laughed bitterly.

He flopped over on his side, letting his arms fall in front of him and his head his the surface of the bed gently.

“I feel like shit.”

“You look like shit.” You agreed.

Connor lifted his hand just enough to flip you off to which you smiled weakly at before flopping down on your back beside him.

“So what now?” You asked after just staring up at the ceiling in silence for a solid minute.

“...I don’t know. Cynthia texted me and said she’d come by and take me to my therapist appointment that I was supposed to go to after art but I haven’t replied.”

You turned your head and looked at him. “You should go to the appointment _and_ to class. Being cooped up in Evan’s room isn’t doing you any good Connor.”

He shrugged lifelessly and you sighed as you looked down and tried to think of the right thing to say.

Your thoughts froze and your eyes went wide as you noticed the exposed arms that you hadn’t been able to see before. The sleeves of Connor’s hoodie had slid up enough that it exposed a decent amount of the heavily bandaged arms beneath the layer of fabric and you inhaled sharply at the sight.

You weren't stupid. You knew what was under those bandages. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that Connor had self harmed but it still felt like a punch in the gut to actually see the reality of it.

Connor must have noticed you seeing because not even a moment later he was sitting up and tugging his sleeves down harshly. 

“Fuck.”

You sat up slowly, still staring at his now covered arms. Your eyes drifted up to his face and he was glaring down to the side with a frustrated and embarrassed shade of red across his cheeks.

“Connor…?”

“Look just- fucking forget you saw anything. Go to your classes and just _fucking forget about it._ ” He practically hissed as he moved to get up.

Your arm shot out and your fingers wrapped around his wrist, causing him to freeze.

“Wait, Connor please, just… talk to me?” You asked, your voice threatening to break.

For a moment you were scared he’d just break away from you and storm out. But instead Connor just clenched his fists and sighed before sitting back down, still refusing to look at you.

His hair was blocking you from seeing his face, so you had nothing to go off of as you reached out again carefully.

“Is it ok if I…?”

Connor didn’t say anything but gave a small, hesitant nod in response.

You let out a shaky breath as your fingers barely brushed against his wrist. You carefully took his hand in yours before pulling up the sleeve with your other hand.

The bandages were wrapped so perfectly that it looked like a professional job. They went up past his elbow and it made you feel sick that underneath there were god knows how many cuts that went up so so high…

You were still holding his hand as your fingers barely grazed the rough surface of the medical cloth.

“____?”

You looked down and shook, unable to stop the few stray tears from slipping down your cheeks that you hadn’t even noticed threatening to fall to begin with.

“Shit, ____, don’t-” Connor cursed under his breath before his free hand was brushing some of the hair away from your face so he could see you better.

“Please don’t cry. I don’t know what to fucking do when you cry ____.”

You sniffed and laughed weakly as you shook your head and wiped your face with your free arm quickly.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t, I don’t even know _why_ I’m… just…” Your voice trailed off as you looked at his arms again.

“I just wish you never had to hurt so much.”

“You don’t have to pity me ____. It’s fine, I’m used to it.” Connor said flatly. You hated that.

“But you shouldn’t have to be.” You huffed frustratedly.

Connor shrugged, not really knowing what to say to that.

“And it’s not pity.” You corrected quietly.

“Then what is it?” He asked.

You bit your lip before muttering, “It’s me caring about you idiot.”

Connor let out a breath and you looked up to see him looking at you with a tired smile.

“Then thanks I guess…”

“Not a problem.” You said quietly as you blinked slowly.

You felt your cheeks start to heat up as you realized you were still holding his hand and quickly let go. Connor chuckled and you pouted at him laughing at you before a thought came to mind.

Your thumb ghosted over the wrapped cuts as you looked down and frowned thoughtfully. 

“I think I have something that could help with this. I had a friend in high school whose mom made a lot of self care products. She had this ointment stuff that worked fucking wonders for healing cuts and keeping it from scarring. I still have a small tub of it at my apartment.”

Connor glanced down at you warily, “I didn’t take you for the type to get scrapped up.”

“I was energetic and clumsy. Not the best combination.” You lied easily as you pulled your hand back from his arm.

Connor stared at you as he pulled down the sleeve of his hoodie and you hoped he didn’t notice the lie as you shifted. 

It was one you had used a lot whenever someone noticed how much you knew about taking care of wounds or self harm prevention habits so you shouldn’t have done anything to give it away. Yet the look in his eye told you that Connor didn’t completely believe you.

“Anyways,” You said as you looked away and tried to act casual. “If you want I can grab it from my apartment later. You need it more than I do.”

Connor frowned, “I said I wasn’t going.”

You quirked an eyebrow at him, 

“Technically you didn't, you just grunted like the moody emo you are. You need to get out of the house and do something Connor. Even if it doesn’t completely get your mind off of shit it’ll still help. Plus you might as well do something you actually like if one of us is going to drag you out into the light eventually anyways.”

Connor just sighed tiredly as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. 

“Fine. Whatever.” He muttered before yanking the door open and heading downstairs in a huff.

You frowned at the abrupt exit but sighed as you pushed yourself off the bed to follow.

It was a start.

\---

“Did you ever look at the sketch I did?”

You pulled out the single earbud you had in and looked up from your sketchbook to lock eyes with Connor.

“I… didn’t actually. A lot happened and I guess I just kind of forgot to?” You flushed, feeling bad for forgetting.

“I’m pretty sure it’s in my other sketchbook back at the apartment.” You added, biting your lip.

“Hey don’t worry about it, I’m not upset. Just curious. I had forgotten about it too until now so you’re fine.” Connor reassured you as he kept drawing in his book.

You still felt bad and made a mental note to check it out later. You looked down and idly returned to lake you were trying to rough sketch for the landscape project you guys had.

“Why do you ask though?”

Connor shrugged, “Just curious I guess.”

You hummed quietly in response before putting your earbud back in, failing to notice Connor glancing at you with a slight blush.

He would never say it out loud but every time he came to this class he found himself thinking of that piece you did of him the day you met. He had pinned it to the wall above his desk back at the house and he made a mental note to ask Zoe if she could grab it for him later.

It weirded him out a bit how a drawing of him could make him feel so… giddy? Fuck he hated that word, what was he? Twelve? But it still made him feel happy to put it simply. It was honestly stupid as all hell and embarrassing as fuck but he couldn’t exactly turn something like that off.

Connor wondered what you would think of the drawing he had done of you. Despite being worked up and half wanting to just ditch the class after pissing you off he still ended up doing the assignment.

A small part of him was grateful that you had dragged him to class today. Okay, that was a lie. He was actually really glad you did. It was nice being able to just sit in a room where none of the crap outside of art existed and he could just draw.

In here he had two hours of quiet where he could just let his mind wander. It was therapeutic and reminded him a bit of how he would feel when he and Evan would go to the orchard.

Speaking of which.

He quirked an eyebrow as he glanced at you and saw you not so subtly trying to lean over enough to see his sketchbook.

Your eyes drifted from where his arm was blocking up to lock with his and you squeaked before holding your hands up and stammering,

“U-uh sorry I wasn’t trying to invade your privacy or anything it’s just that you mentioned your drawing and I realized that I still haven’t seen your art like, ever, and I was just really curious and-”

Connor snorted and you cut yourself off, before laughing and nudging him lightly, “Oh fuck off Murphy.”

Connor raised an eyebrow and slid the sketchbook further away from you, “Well fine if you don’t want to see it then..”

You kicked his ankle and pouted, “Asshole.”

“Yup, that’s me.” Connor teased before sliding the sketchbook your way.

You perked up and looked down at it, curious to see what Connor’s art looked like.

“Oh wow…” You breathed as your eyes widened and took in all of the detail on the page. 

It didn’t surprise you that Connor’s first thought when given a landscape project was to draw the orchard but you didn’t expect him to literally replicate the orchard down to every blade of grass and leaf.

He captured every little detail in realistic beautiful detail. The way the golden wildflowers that had overtaken the plot of land peeked through the carpet of overgrown grass. The soft hues of blue in the cloudless sky.

You could see the rusted gateway and Connor’s car in the background and if you looked closely enough you could see the splash of blue and black hidden in one of the trees that you instantly recognized as Connor and Evan.

“This is beautiful.” You whispered as your eyes roamed over the colorful page.

Connor looked away and rubbed at the back of his neck, “Uh thanks.. I’ve been working on it for a while but figured it counted for the assignment so...”

“Who cares about the assignment?” You laughed quietly as you looked up at him. 

“This is professional fucking shit Connor. You’re amazing.”

Connor was extremely grateful that he was looking away from you because his face was hot and he knew he was probably as red as a tomato right now. He was always extremely secretive when it came to his art.

He knew to a certain extent that he was good but it was still embarrassing to show others. Especially since his art was so personal for him. It didn’t help that you had slipped up and said that _he_ was amazing and not just the drawing.

That had him on a whole different level of reeling that he didn't know what to do with.

He pulled the sketchbook back towards himself and mumbled, “Thanks I guess.”

You caught a brief glimpse of his face before he was back to hiding behind the curtain of his long hair and chuckled. Seeing this side of him was nice, especially after everything that had gone down this week.

He was really cute like this.

Your eyes widened as you realized what you just thought. Abort abort, fuck no you did not just think that. It was just a lapse of judgement or something. Yeah that’s it.

Riley snapped the both of you out of your flustered overthinking as she clapped her hands together and announced that class was over.

You were grateful for the interruption and were able to get your emotions in check as you packed up your stuff before looking over at Connor who also seemed to be feeling normal again as well.

“So am I taking you back to Evan’s or..?”

Connor shoved his pencil case into the front pouch of his bag and sighed, “Nah, Cynthia… My mom should be out in the parking lot.”

You beamed proudly at him as you both stood up and headed out, “That’s really great Connor. I hope things go well.”

He shrugged, not happy with the fact that he had to go back out into the real world now and deal with his crap.

“Yeah…”

The two of you reached the parking lot and immediately spotted Cynthia in her giant soccer mom SUV waiting by the curb. You shot him a reassuring smile before you headed towards your own parked car and Connor trudged towards his mom’s.

Cynthia smiled tiredly at Connor as he got in. She waited until he put his bag down before pulling him into a hug.

“Hi sweetie.”

Connor froze for a moment, very much not used to Cynthia being all mushy and affectionate and _huggy_ like this. This kind of thing was normal once a long long time ago, but now it felt foreign being hugged by his own mother.

His arms inevitably came back up as he returned the hug before pulling away.

“Hi.”

There was a tense silence between them after that as Cynthia drove off campus and headed towards the therapist’s office.

“So… about your father.” Cynthia started.

Connor’s face darkened as he slouched down in his seat a bit and stared out the window.

“What about him?” He asked flatly.

“I spoke with him and made it abundantly clear that no matter what I support you getting professional help and his objections are irrelevant.”

Connor blinked in surprise as he sat up at looked at his mom. 

“Holy shit, seriously?”

“Yes. I know he wants to support you too and I wish I could say I knew why he did what he did, but I don't.”

Cynthia sighed as she sadly added, “After the first time you… well… your father reevaluated a lot of his views on therapy and medication, but he never showed it. I don't understand why he's saying things he doesn't actually believe anymore.”

Connor frowned as he retorted bitterly, “He probably didn't change his mind about jack shit. Just went with the basic _how to react to your dumbass kid's suicide attempt_ guidebook or some crap.”

“Connor…”

His words stung. Not just for Cynthia but for him too. But he wouldn't apologize. Larry wasn't worth an apology at this point.

The rest of the car ride was silent and soon enough Connor was sitting in a small office in the medical building their insurance covered with a middle aged women he had never met and was supposed to spill his guts to on a regular basis.

“Hello Connor, my name is Doctor Lynn. It's a pleasure to meet you.” She smiled sweetly as she grabbed a clipboard off of her desk.

“Hey.” Connor replied simply.

“I know this probably feels uncomfortable but it'll get easier.” She assured him with a less forced for work smile.

“Let's start with just some basic information so I get an idea of where things are. You saw a psychiatrist before getting recommended. What medication were you prescribed?”

“Uh they put me on rispidone… risperidone?”

“Risperdal.”

“Yeah that. We talked about lithium but that was uh, intimidating as hell to be honest. All the blood level and kidney tests and shit was just.. No. She said if this doesn’t work out though that it’ll probably be the next thing to try.”

“That’s totally fair and understandable. The medication process can be a lot of trial and error so it’s good to keep your mind open, but for now let’s just focus on your current experience. How has taking your current medication been going?”

Connor shifted uncomfortably, “Um well, it’s been fine I guess? I’ve been really tired lately, like really tired. But besides that I think it’s been good? I dunno, I’m able to think a little more… rationally? now so I think it’s helping.”

“Okay that’s good. You’ve been on it for a little over a week right?”

“Right.”

“I’d recommend talking to your doctor about it if you’re still getting drowsiness from side effects after two weeks of being on it. You might need to try a different medication or mix.”

“Great.” Connor said dryly.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Hopefully it doesn’t last too long before you find something that works.” She said sympathetically.

Connor shrugged. “She said that this would only last for a few months if shit went as she hoped then we’d try the lithium or some other shit anyways so figures.”

Lynn wrote some things down as she replied. “Keep me updated. Why don’t you tell me a bit about how things are right now?”

Connor cringed and looked down at his hands before starting from the beginning, “Well…”

He told her almost everything. He told her about how you had come into the picture of Evan’s life and by extension his life too. He told Lynn about how he and Zoe got to the breaking point and wanted to fix things. Together. How they had been since deciding that and how they went to Cynthia together and got him diagnosed but then things blew up when Larry found out.

“Cynthia and Zoe are on my side for once, which is.. honestly it still feels fucking surreal. But despite being out of the house and feeling like shit because of Larry I almost feel… good? That’s totally fucked up isn’t it?”

Lynn set aside her notebook and pen and thought this over for a minute as she sat back and crossed her legs.

“I don’t think it’s fucked up.” She stated. 

“It actually makes a lot of sense.”

“How?” Connor asked as his eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

“Well,” She started.

“You have a lot of support from a lot of people right now. It sounds like some of the support has been there from the beginning but it wasn’t as apparent as it is now. You’re being listened to in ways that you didn’t ever let yourself expect to ever receive. And while the circumstances are awful and still need to be addressed, it’s almost a good thing you’re currently not in that house with Larry.”

“What.” Connor said flatly.

“Take a moment and think about it.” She said, not surprised by his offense at the statement.

Connor frowned but did as she said. He felt like shit about his dad. He was angry and he was hurt to all hell. But he’d been out of the house for three days now and he honestly felt like he could breathe so much easier knowing that he wasn’t surrounded by his family at all times.

Even when he was holed off in his room, he never dared close the door. His room didn’t feel safe when it could be turned into a cage at any second. He was hyper aware of his surroundings at all times when he was in the house he had stopped calling home years ago.

“I guess I see what you mean.”

She hummed quietly, “What goes through your mind when you think about going back?”

“Dread.” Connor said without hesitation. He blinked, surprised at himself. It had just slipped out without him giving it a second thought, but he sounded so certain.

He realized he was. Connor hadn’t given the idea much thought but he knew he would probably end up going back eventually. He couldn’t sleep on Evan’s couch forever, but now he realized that every time that heavy feeling that twisted in his chest when he thought about it wasn’t just because going back meant dealing with Larry.

It was because, “I don’t want to go back.” Connor realized.

Lynn picked up her notebook again and scribbled down some things before saying, 

“It’s wonderful that you have someone like Evan. It sounds like he’s a huge source of stability for you.”

Despite the raging anxiety and the fact that they met in the worst of ways, she couldn’t be any more right. “Yeah, you could say that, but I can’t rely on him forever.”

“It’s good that you acknowledge that. Relying solely on one person for emotional stability is extremely unhealthy, but I think you already realize this.”

Connor nodded.

“Building up the ability to rely on yourself takes time and it’s not something that’s ever perfected. That's because it's not meant to be.

We all need to lean on others at times. It’s actually better that we do. It's good that you have Evan and it's good that you're starting to notice a bit more of how you feel. So what do you think about all of this combined now that you've put more of it into words?”

Connor paused before admitting slowly, “I don't want to live in that house anymore, but I know I can't outright abandon the place either. I don't have the money to do it, plus I still want to make shit work with Zoe and Cynthia.”

“I also know I can't stay at Evan's place for forever. Even if he and Heidi were ok with it I wouldn't be.”

“But I… don't really know what to do with any of that.” Connor sighed.

“Well that's where your assignment comes in.”

Connor smirked half-heartedly, “I'm not good with keeping up on homework.”

Lynn chuckled, “It's not much. It's not like I'm expecting an essay a day or anything.”

“More like letters to yourself.” Connor mumbled to himself as he thought of the assignment Evan's therapist had stuck him with all those years ago.

He was pretty sure his therapist didn't need Evan to do it anymore but he still did anyways. Despite hating the assignment, Connor guessed it grew on Evan somewhere along the road.

“I just want you to do two things. Talk to Evan and to someone else about your living situation and try to form a plan. It will help things a lot to do this with others so I highly encourage it.”

Connor nodded, “That's reasonable. What's the other thing?”

“Write things out.”

“Huh?”

“You don't have to do it in any specific way, you don't need to bring it in to show me unless you want to. Just write out whatever is on your mind or what you're feeling. Literally anything. Just put it into words.”

Connor shot her a look, “If I'm not required to bring it in then how will you know if I actually do it?”

Lynn shrugged, “I won't but that's not the point of it. I don't expect you to do this because your therapist told you to. I expect you to do it because you wanted this.”

Connor's eyes widened and Lynn smirked as she explained despite him pretty much getting the idea now.

“You're a very self driven person Connor. The people close to you knew you needed help but you weren't ready to ask for it until _you_ were ready. You're here because you want to get better. Things are changing because _you_ are changing.

You aren’t the type to do things because someone said you should. You do them because you want to or you want the results that come from those actions.”

Connor chuckled, “You’re surprisingly good at this.”

Lynn smiled back, “Well I would hope so. It is kind of my preferred profession and I’d like to keep doing it.”

After that Connor filled in Cynthia on some of the details of the therapy session as they drove towards the high school to pick up Zoe from rehearsal. He asked her if it would be ok for them to come in with him to Evan’s so he could it explain it all to them and only have to do it once. She agreed that she would be happy to but he would need to ask Zoe if she would be alright with it too.

Zoe was shocked to say the least, when she walked towards the car and saw Connor sitting in the front seat. He waved somewhat nervously at her and she frowned as she walked around to the side of the car and threw her saxophone in before getting into the car and immediately leaning forward and pulling him roughly into a hug.

“I was worried about you asshole.”

“Sorry.”

Zoe immediately agreed to going to Evan’s place, which helped Connor relax ten times over knowing that she was still on his side. He filled her in on the pieces she had missed that night and Cynthia frowned quietly as she listened and let them talk without her interjection.

Zoe wasn’t too surprised at the bits he filled in. “That’s kind of what I figured happened.”

“After ____ and your father had their little moment and  Zoe left with ____ I tore into him quite a bit to be honest.” Cynthia finally commented.

“Holy shit you- wait after ____ and Larry what?” Connor whipped his head towards his mom, processing two large pieces of the story he had very much been left out on.

“Oh shit she didn’t say anything? Neither did Evan?”

Connor frowned, not liking that he was being left out of whatever happened. “She briefly mentioned Larry being the one to open the door but that was it.”

“Dude holy shit you have no idea what you missed out on. ____ went totally off on dad. Between you literally cracking the front door and the way they were having a literal war over keeping it open as she called him out for how he acted it was-”

“Zoe.” Cynthia warned gently.

“Sorry, sorry. Love dad and everything and things are horrible but ____ was kind of awesome.”

You had told him about picking up Zoe and all that but he still didn’t get why Zoe didn’t just go to Alana’s or something.

“What the fuck was she even doing there?” 

“Connor.”

“We all know I cuss mom.”

Cynthia sighed but allowed it. She knew there was no point wasting her breath on the whole swearing debate they’d had time and time again.

“She came to pick me up.” Zoe cut back in.

“I was kinda freaking out and Alana wasn’t able to talk so I called ____ and she offered to let me come over so I did. Mom and I talked and she agreed it was a good idea. I was upstairs grabbing my stuff when I heard a loud bang downstairs, aka her stopping dad from slamming the door in her face right before she went off on him for everything. I thought Evan would have filled you in on it to be honest.”

“He didn’t…” Connor mumbled.

Evan knew and Zoe hadn’t texted him, well… he had told her not to… and he wasn’t exactly in a place last night to talk and... 

Connor pinched the bridge of his nose and let his head fall back against the headrest behind him as he inhaled slowly.

The rational part of him needed a hot second to kick his anxiety and anger issues in the crotch. If he wasn’t careful he would fall into a spiral of paranoia and that wouldn’t end well for anyone.

“What did ____ say?” He asked, knowing he needed a distraction but nothing too far from the topic at hand.

Zoe eyed him warily before humming in thought and sitting back.

“I only caught bits and pieces but I heard something along the lines of him not knowing how to treat us and that she didn’t respect him.”

Connor mimicked raising a glass and said dryly, “I’ll drink to that.”

_“Connor.”_

“What?” Connor grinned at his mother, “It’s nonalcoholic I swear.” He said before pretending to take a sip.

Zoe snorted and the ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. 

The few minutes left of the drive to Evan’s were fairly uneventful and a bit sooner than he would have liked, Connor found himself sitting in the living room with you, Evan, Zoe, and Cynthia, all waiting for him to talk about what he needed to get out there.

“Okay well uh, talked with my therapist and she thinks we need family therapy for starters.” Connor started awkwardly, not comfortable with the attention on him.

Zoe shrugged, “Not surprised.”

Cynthia nodded sadly, “Honestly sweetie if your therapist hadn’t said anything I probably would have suggested it. Especially in light of… recent events.”

“Cool.” Connor said as he stared down at his hands. He quickly ripped them away from each other and sat up as he realized he was sitting the way Larry did when they fought or whenever he was deep in thought.

He was not comfortable with the thought of that at all.

“The other thing was about me… going back.” Connor said, quickly trying to push the thoughts out of his head.

He huffed as silence answered him before spitting it out, “I don’t want to go back.”

Cynthia recoiled in her chair a bit and looked at him sadly, “What do you mean you don’t want to come back home Connor? I know that things with your father aren’t good right now but we can work on it, together.”

Zoe frowned and chimed in before Connor could respond, “It’s not that simple mom.”

Cynthia looked at her daughter with wide eyes before letting out a shaky breath and nodding, “You’re right…”

Connor winced at the dejected way her shoulders slumped, 

“Look just cause I don’t want to keep living there doesn’t mean I don’t still want to fix shit as a family. It doesn’t mean I’m just ditching you and Zoe either, I’m not going to pull a dick move like that. Especially not after you guys standing by me the way you have.”

Cynthia smiled sadly at him, “No, I know that it just… You two are growing up so fast. It just scares me how much.”

You and Evan glanced at each other from your spots on the couch. It was safe to say that the both of you felt like you were intruding on a conversation you weren’t meant to be in the middle of.

You absentmindedly wondered if the Murphy’s just had a habit of subconsciously bringing other people into things like this.

Cynthia’s next question brought your attention back to the conversation as she asked, “So if you don’t want to come back then what do you want to do Connor?”

Connor paused and looked down at the ground, “I still don’t know that part.”

He looked up at Evan and said without hesitation, “I don’t want to stay here forever. I can’t rely on Evan for everything, it’ll just end up getting unhealthy probably.”

Evan frowned and opened his mouth to say something before stopping himself and having an internal fight with himself before sighing and finally saying,

“I’ll support whatever you think is best, but you know I’m here for you no matter what.”

Connor smiled softly at his best friend, “I know.”

You crossed your legs on the couch and tapped the top of your legs as you thought things over.

“What if you stayed at my place?” You asked slowly.

Connor’s eyes widened, “I uh, hadn’t considered that. Like at all. You sure ____?”

You bit your lip and shrugged, “Not entirely, I mean, that’s a big change but it’s not impossible. For a studio apartment my place is actually kinda big. Definitely big enough for another person. You’d just have to crash on the couch until you could get your own place I guess.”

You winced at that and added, “For what it’s worth it’s a comfy couch? I passed out on it one night and didn’t wake up in pain so…”

You blushed as you trailed off, painfully aware that everyone was looking at you.

 _“Sorry it was a stupid idea, I don’t know why I said that just ignore me.”_ You blurted out as your face flushed into a darker shade of red with each rushed word.

“No no no dear, I think it’s a wonderful idea!” Cynthia quickly reassured you. 

“If you don’t think it would be too much of a change for you then I could see that being lovely.” She added.

Zoe squinted as she looked away from you long enough to see a bit of a sparkle in their mom’s eyes. She frowned, not liking where she could see her mom’s mind going but sighed.

“It sounds like the best plan to me if you’re serious about not crashing here with Evan I guess. You’re kind of a broke jobless bum so it’s not like you could get your own place.”

Connor glared at Zoe, “Gee fucking thanks Zoe.”

She smirked at him, “Just throwing back the words you said to Jared a few nights ago. Now that he’s working at lush you’re officially lower than him on the social ladder of our little misfit group.”

Evan giggled and you snorted as Connor shook his head, “Never. I will never be worse than fucking Kleinman.”

Cynthia cleared her throat, drawing the attention back to the topic at hand. “Connor, what do you think of ____’s idea?”

He looked over to you and you fought to get rid of the last of the embarrassed blush to fade from your cheeks. He didn’t say anything and if you were uncomfortable before then things were on the brink of being unbearable now.

Connor was probably just trying to figure out the best way to say he’d rather go back to the house he got kicked out of then move in with the emotional wreck that was Evan’s sister who had only been here for half a month.

“As long as I don’t have to pay rent the first month so I can actually find a job then I’m down.”

Your eyes widened.

Oh… This was happening. Cool cool cool cool. You were great at adulting. Rash decisions, who’s that?

“Sounds like I have a new roommate then…” You said slightly dazed and wondering if you had just completely bitten off way more than you could chew.

Things were about to get interesting to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy lmao im alive! just finished my last final this morning and now that the school chaos is done im able to get back to writing :'D


	12. reinvention

“Connor are you ok?” 

“Fuck. Off.” 

It had been a few weeks since you all had the talk about what would happen next and things had changed a bit since then. 

You all decided it would be best that Connor would stay at Evan’s for the next month before moving in with you. Just to give him time in a place he was familiar with while he went through his medication changes. 

As Connor had unfortunately suspected, his psychiatrist had decided to switch him off of Risperdal and start him on lithium after the drowsiness persisted long enough to the point of becoming problematic. 

Connor shared with his psychiatrist about his concerns regarding the side effects of lithium and she strongly recommended that he held off on making any major life changes until he was able to get used to the medication or they decided he needed to try something else. 

He didn’t know how to tell her his entire life was built on major changes right now without sounding like a complete dick so he just kept his mouth shut. 

Unfortunately, what you all had hoped to be internet research paranoia ended up becoming a partial reality. 

The first week and a half of Connor switching to lithium was actual hell. He had ended up reopening the cuts on his arms twice and Evan spotted a few new fresh cuts that hadn’t been there before despite trying to keep the house as self harm safe as possible since the move in. 

Connor doubled up on his visits with his therapist and even though it helped and she surprisingly didn’t put him on suicide watch, he was still going through emotional hell. His suicidal thoughts were stronger but the real issue was that he was constantly pissed at _everything_. 

He was pissed at how he constantly felt groggy and on edge. He was pissed at how the shit that was supposed to help him was causing him to break out like he just hit puberty for the first time and left his mouth dry as all hell constantly. 

He was angry at himself and _furious_ with Larry. He blamed Larry just as much as he blamed himself for becoming a burden on literally everyone around him. 

It was agreed between the three Murphy’s that were actually communicating that Zoe shouldn’t talk to Connor until he adjusted to the medication or he was switched to something that would stabilize him. Because of that, other than Cynthia’s visits it was complete radio silence from home. 

It was obvious Larry didn’t give a fuck or feel an ounce of remorse. As much as that hurt Connor, it mainly just fueled that sharp ache in his chest where all of his emotions tightly twisted inside him. 

You had stopped by a lot too. Almost as much as Cynthia. 

In all honesty Connor wasn’t exactly sure why you did. It was obvious that you were always skittish as hell when it came to being in the Hansen household and the last thing either of you needed was more stress. 

Despite always triple checking with Evan that Heidi wouldn’t be there if you came over or wouldn’t come home _while_ you were at the house, you always seemed to be peeking over your shoulder as if you were waiting for her to suddenly appear behind you like a ghost. 

That pissed Connor off too. It made him angry at Heidi for making you feel like you couldn’t be there. He wouldn’t say anything to her. Not yet anyways. 

Heidi had been there for Connor through a lot of shit and was like a second mom to him. It didn’t change that fact that she needed to act like an adult and talk to you though. 

You saw yourself as an intruder or as someone who wasn’t good enough to be around them and he hated that. 

It only made him angrier at himself the one time he accidentally snapped at you for it. You had just stopped by to drop off the new prompts for art class and his reviewed assignment from earlier and to check up on him. 

You two had been talking for a few minutes after you brought him more water and things were alright until you heard Evan close a door down the hall and you jumped at the sound. 

Connor didn’t even remember what he said, but he knew it was along the lines of you needing to grow a pair and get over it. The fight was short but brutal. 

He honestly didn’t expect you to come back or still be ok with him moving in after that, but to his surprise you still showed up two days later after art class as usual. Neither of you brought it up, and after a few minutes of awkward silence you were able to get back into the swing of how the visits had been before. 

Connor still felt bad for blowing up at you and it was obvious to him that there was a newfound guarded look in your eyes that wasn’t there before when you looked at him, but neither of you made a move to say anything like the stubborn idiots you apparently were. 

You all fell into this delicate routine for the week and a half it took before it became noticeable that there was a gradual shift in Connor. 

He started sleeping less and less during the day until he was able to stay out of bed after getting up in the morning altogether. His irritation briefly changed to an unsettling numbness before finally evening out to a maintainable equilibrium. 

Connor felt more in control of his thoughts and emotions. The suicidal thoughts quieted and the burning ache in his arms faded into the irritation of normal healing wounds instead of the constant screaming desire to rip them open again he knew all too well. 

He felt… normal. Or least, he felt like what he assumed it felt like to be normal. His normal had always been so loud. Emptiness to white hot rage to grossly sobbing. But now? 

He felt in control of himself. Not completely, but so much more than he had before. It was as if someone had been holding down the fast forward button in the part of his mind that controlled his emotions and now he had something to help kick that asshole out. 

Yet somehow despite the fact that everything felt so much more real now, it felt completely unreal to Connor how the month had passed by in the blink of an eye and it was already time to move into your apartment. 

He and Evan were lying on Evan’s bed while they both typed in the group chat and waited for Cynthia to pick up Connor to get his stuff from the house. 

**bath baby:** can i PLEASE change my name back 

**anxitree:** But it’s so good. What would we even change it to? 

**ConMan:** bath bitch 

**mystery girl:** tempting…. 

**bath baby:** why does EVERYONE hate me 

**mystery girl:** <3 

**jazz4ursoul:** i don’t hate you!! 

**bath baby:** zoe!!!!!! 

**jazz4ursoul:** i have to actually be in the same space as you for more than a minute before that kicks in 

**mystery girl:** SDKLJFGSDFKLJ;GSDFKG 

**bath baby:** WOW WHAT THE FUCK 

**ConMan:** god i forgot how brutal you can be 

**ConMan:** i missed that 

**jazz4ursoul:** awww missed you too bro :’) 

_anxitree took a screenshot._

**ConMan:** EVAN 

**anxitree:** Oh god I didn’t know it told the group when you did that!!! 

**bath baby:** caught in the act 

**ConMan:** w h y 

**anxitree:** You guys were being cute and sibling’y and I just screenshotted it without thinking I’m sorry! 

**jazz4ursoul:** it’s ok evan! 

**jazz4ursoul:** just know that now im keeping an eye for cute sibling content on team hansen now too >:D 

**mystery girl:** asl;djkf;ajk 

**bath baby:** cackles 

**mystery girl:** jared no 

**mystery girl:** you have enough dirt on me, you dont get to sibling moment hunt youre banned 

**anxitree:** Oh my god I forgot about that. 

**ConMan:** wh 

**bath baby:** cackles harder 

**jazz4ursoul:**? 

**mystery girl:** NOTHING 

**mystery girl:** anyways 

**mystery girl:** is everyone still coming over tonight 

**bath baby:** smooth 

**mystery girl:** stfu 🔪 

**bath baby:** :3c 

**ConMan:** do i even want to kno 

**mystery girl:** no 

**bath baby:** yes 

**anxitree:** maybe??? 

**jazz4ursoul:** interesting…. 

**ConMan:** gonna walk away from that one lmao 

**mystery girl:** good 

**mystery girl:** so anyways, i’ll just assume everyone will be here to spend the night except for jared 

**bath baby:** HEY 

**ConMan:** h e y 

**anxitree:** Hey! 

**ConMan:** HEY!!!! 

**mystery girl:** hwat the fuck 

**jazz4ursoul:** dont ask me 

**ConMan:** inside joke 

**bath baby:** i just regained 5 years of my life from that 

**anxitree:** Where were they before?? 

**bath baby:** sold to capitalism 

**mystery girl:** F 

**jazz4ursoul:** F 

**ConMan:** F 

**anxitree:** F 

**bookworm:** F 

**bath baby:** ayyyyyyy look who it is 

**jazz4ursoul:** hey baby! :D 

**bookworm:** Hi my love! <3 

**ConMan:** gross 

**bath baby:** ur just jealous murphy 

**ConMan:** i am a soulless husk incapable of the human emotion known as love 

**ConMan:** fuck off 

**bath baby:** but what about your hansen :( 

**anxitree:** jared no 

**ConMan:** we all know ev is the exception 

**bath baby:** bold of u 

**bath baby:** to assume 

**bath baby:** that i was talking about 

_Jared Kleinmeme has been removed by mystery girl_

**jazz4ursoul:** you can do that? 

**ConMan:** adsjkfdsl;fj 

**bookworm:** Oh my. 

**anxitree:** I hate that I know WHY. 

**ConMan:** im scared to ask but im also just happy that fucker is g o n e 

**jazz4ursoul:** ____ you good? 

**mystery girl:** hm 

**mystery girl:** weird question for no reason, asking for a friend 

**mystery girl:** how many years would i face for murder 

**anxitree:** ____ no!!!! 

**ConMan:** 25-life 

**jazz4ursoul:** why do you know that off the top of your head 

**jazz4ursoul:** nvm i dont want to know 

**ConMan:** when it comes to jared ive asked myself the question enough to look it up lmao 

**jazz4ursoul:** amazing 

**anxitree:** I’m sorry. 

**mystery girl:** evan no!!!! 

_Evan hansen has added Jared Kleinmeme to the group._

_Connor Murphyeet has changed Jared Kleinmeme’s nickname to bath bitch._

_Jared Kleinmeme has changed Connor Murphyeet’s nickname to pottbrownied._

**pottbrownied:** fuck you 

**bath bitch:** fuck you too 

**mystery girl:** gay 

**jazz4ursoul:** we all are 

**mystery girl:** u right 

**jazz4ursoul:** also connor/evan, mom and i are out front cmon 

**anxitree:** On our way! 

**mystery girl:** text me when you’re leaving the murphy house and heading over here 

**jazz4ursoul:** will do! 

\--- 

Evan and the Murphy’s were at your apartment about an hour later with a trunk full of boxes and an offering of starbucks, courtesy of Cynthia. 

Most of Connor’s stuff was being kept at their house for now since it was unclear how long he’d be staying at your apartment so there wasn’t too much to bring in. It was mostly clothes, some kitchen and bathroom stuff, and then personal belongings like his art supplies and some books. 

The others started to unload the car while you showed Connor the areas you cleared out for him to put his stuff. 

Connor followed you and nodded along as he looked around and sipped his drink. He had brought in a bag of clothes with him and unpacked a few shirts before you had gone into another spiel about what you had cleared out for him and how “what’s yours is his” and all that crap. 

He glanced over at you and noticed how you were speaking faster than usual and were practically vibrating with nerves even before you had inhaled half of your venti macchiato with an extra shot of espresso and extra caramel. 

He looked away and his grip on his cup tightened as he muttered, “You know, if you’re having second thoughts we don’t have to do this right?” 

You paused mid ramble and turned to look at him. “I’m not having second thoughts.” You said slowly. 

He quirked an unconvinced eyebrow at you, causing you to sigh and force yourself to relax some. 

“ _I’m not_. I’m just..” 

“It’s just a big change I guess.” You mumbled as you sipped your drink and looked down at your feet. 

“Doesn’t help how sudden it is either.” Connor hummed in agreement. He was pretty shaken up by how much had happened so quickly himself. 

“To be fair, the past few months have been pretty sudden.” You quipped, both of you knowing you were referring to everything that had happened since you discovered Evan’s existence. 

“Did anyone tell you that you are _very_ impulsive.” Connor grinned down at you. 

“Shut up!” You pouted as you lightly kicked his leg. 

"It's this impulsiveness that got you a place to stay you jerk." You added as you stuck your tongue out at him before turning and going towards the door to take a box from Cynthia. 

"Yeah yeah, whatever you say." Connor smirked as he went back to throwing his clothes in the drawer you cleared out for him. 

He mindlessly tossed a few hoodies into the drawer before looking up and watching you talk to his mom with a box in your arms. 

You said something that made Cynthia laugh and a brief smile tugged at the corner of his lips before his expression fell into a bitter frown. 

Despite the fact that he had emotionally stabilized considerably since adjusting to his meds, one of the extreme feelings that settled in his chest like led was the sheer amount of guilt he felt at putting you in this sort of position. 

God forbid he stay at Evan’s place and take advantage of one of the only stable relationships in his life, but wasn’t he more or less doing the same thing here? 

Sure, you and him didn’t have that kind of history or connection, but it still felt like he had found another person who might actually _get it_ to a certain extent and yet like the greedy toxic hole that he was, Connor was taking full advantage of that and sucking you into his bullshit for his own selfish gain. 

Especially after not clearing things up when he snapped at you for something that was honestly a really valid reason to be so anxious, he just felt _wrong_. 

He couldn’t help but make comparisons between you and Evan. There were just so many little things that you two had in common that neither of you noticed but he easily picked out during casual interactions. 

One of the unfortunate things he picked out early on was that the two of you were very much the type to let others take advantage of. Connor felt that he was offender #1 when it came to this, but he’d be damned if he wouldn’t do everything he could to make sure that neither of you got taken advantage of by some random fucker or worse. 

Another similarity between the two of you was that, much like Evan, you would never speak up if you were uncomfortable with any of this or with him. Angry? Yeah. You’d let him or anyone else have it. But inconvenienced? Overwhelmed? Being asked too much of? Not a fucking peep. 

Whatever brooding look was on his face, it must have been obvious because from behind where you and Cynthia were chatting in the hall Zoe locked eyes with him in a second and shot him a look as if she knew exactly what was going through his head. 

Leave it up to the creepy sibling connection to have Zoe disapproving his internal tangents without actually having to say jack shit. 

Connor frowned and went back to shoving random clothes in the drawer as he more or less took a backseat to everything that happened around him. 

None of you had outright said anything, but the way the group had scheduled the day you, Evan, and the Murphy’s finished unpacking just around the time the others would be showing up. 

Between the family’s help with unpacking, (even though the two of you could have easily unpacked so little yourselves) and your friend group coming over to spend the night you and Connor both had time to adjust somewhat before inevitably being left alone in the apartment and your new living situation. 

Alana had just gotten to the apartment when Cynthia finished ordered a few pizzas for the group and headed off letting you and Connor know if you ever needed anything that she was just a call away. 

Zoe was currently sat comfortably in Alana’s lap on the ground as she introduced her starry eyed girlfriend to Luna while you and Evan got out plates and other necessities for pizza when Jared finally arrived. 

“Sup bitches I brought god’s other gift to mankind besides yours truly.” Jared grinned as he lifted a brown shopping bag up and kicked off his shoes by the doorway. 

You peeked your head around the corner and Zoe gasped, “No way!” 

Alana leaned over to peek innocently over her girlfriend’s shoulder to see what the hype was about while Connor merely glared over his phone from where he was curled up on the love seat by the couch before returning to whatever was on his screen. 

Jared smirked, “Yes way. May or may not have blown most of my first paycheck on this shit but holy fuck do those employee discounts pack a punch. We are set _for_ _life_.” 

Your bare feet tapped quietly across the wooden floor as you carefully ran out of the kitchen and towards the front door, quickly snatching the bag from Jared and running to home base _a.k.a. Zoe_ before Jared could catch or curse you out in time. 

Zoe and Alana giggled as Jared stomped after you, muttering about how ungrateful some people could be as you plopped down on the ground between the love seat and the couch and started pulling stuff out of the bag. 

Zoe crawled out of Alana’s lap and came over to see what Jared had bought, gasping again as she pulled out one of the small black containers. 

“Oh my god, bitch I actually love you right now.” 

You hummed in agreement as you pulled out another one of the containers, immediately finding your favorite face mask and twisting the lid off with a happy hum. 

Jared rolled his eyes and snatched a bowl of chips from Evan who was just now walking towards the group from your kitchen space as he commented, 

“Please, you always love me. These are just the side perks that come with the greatness that is my friendship.” 

You nodded absentmindedly, not really listening to what he said as you and Zoe dug into the bag and pulled out at least one of each face mask. 

“Mhmm whatever you say, can we use these now?” You asked chipperly. 

Jared pouted before relenting and sitting down to smack your hand away from the rose mask. 

“Yeah yeah fine, take advantage of me why don’t ya. But the rose one is mine ho.” 

You leaned on Jared playfully as you forced your weight on him for emphasis and looked up at him, 

“Thank you for the face masks and self care products oh holy and almighty meme master Jared whomst we would be cursed to have dry and oily skin for all eternity and live in a world that knows of no bath bombs, blessed are thee amen.” 

Zoe and Alana giggled while Jared just snorted and pushed you off of him. “That’s more like it you disaster bisexual. Now grab the honey one, god knows your face needs it.” 

You cackled and kicked yourself back up to a sitting position as you plucked the container he spoke of off of the coffee table. 

“God knows me so well then cause that one’s my favorite.” 

Connor finally chimed into the conversation flatly as he looked up at Evan who had sat on the armrest of the love seat at some point. 

“Can we put something on while they do their girly shit?” 

Evan would have pointed out that this was technically Connor’s place now too and Evan was the last person he needed to ask permission from but was cut off by Jared loudly declaring, 

“Ohhh no you don’t edgelord. I have been itching to take care of that untouched face looong before now. I’ve been plotting this since the day we begrudgingly became friends, there is no way in hell you’re escaping this. You _desperately_ need it.” 

Connor frowned at Jared as he leaned towards the arrangement of face masks now all neatly organized by type, courtesy of Alana. 

“My face isn’t that bad.” Connor muttered to himself with a slight pout as Evan patted his shoulder sympathetically. 

A suspiciously dark look crossed over Jared’s face as he grinned wickedly and reached for one of the masks, but you quickly got up on your knees and smacked his hand away from the apparently not so innocent container. 

“Noooo Jared you are not cosmetic warrior’ing Connor.” 

Jared rubbed his hand and retorted as Zoe leaned toward Alana and whispered in her ear to explain as they watched. 

“But ____! He needs it! You saw how bad his skin got from his month long emo episode!” 

Connor glared at Jared and Evan looked down at his hands not sure what to say and unable to tell if Jared was too close to the line of actually angering Connor yet or not as you shook your head. 

“Nope. Jackass pranks aside, it would probably be too harsh on his skin anyways.” 

Jared sighed, “That’s true. As much as pranks matter to me, close and dear to my heart, _always,_ skincare is still numero uno.” 

“Yes good.” You agreed as your eyes scanned the containers before settling on the one you were looking for. 

You twisted off the cap and leaned back so you were looking up at Connor, who now appeared upside down to you as you lifted the small container towards him. 

“Smell it? I don’t want to give you one you don’t like.” 

Connor’s face flushed, making you suddenly worried that you had put an unwanted spotlight on him. He had been quiet all day and you had both been painfully on edge with everything that had been happening so it was a very real possibility. 

You had been trying to give Connor some space to adjust in case you being around him would make things awkward, but since everyone got to the apartment and got settled you had managed to forget about that until now. 

Now with the rigid stiffness of how Connor held himself as he locked eyes with you and the dark red across his cheeks as his mouth hung slightly open, you were suddenly very painfully aware of his presence and everything else that came with it. 

You started to lower your hand, apology on your lips, when Connor’s hand wrapped around your wrist out of nowhere. 

Now it was _your_ face that was flushing as he quickly leaned towards the container long enough to actually see if it was okay before releasing your wrist just as quickly and looking away. 

“‘S fine…” He muttered into his hand as he covered his face. 

Your cheeks felt hot and your heart was hammering inside your chest as you quickly lowered the container and turned so you were facing your lap again, “Right.” 

Conversation around the two of you never faltered and after a moment you dared to glance up and see that much to your relief the others on the floor with you hadn’t been paying attention. 

God knows Jared would have never stopped teasing you if he saw how easily you got flustered over something so stupid. 

You pushed yourself off the floor and walked towards the bathroom, announcing as you felt the eyes of everyone in the room on you. 

“I’m gonna go get hair clips and ties so we can start.” 

Zoe chirped in as she smeared a small amount of a bright purple fruity mask on Alana’s nose. 

“Get some face wipes too!” 

You shot her a thumbs up just as Alana jumped from the contact of the mask on her face, “Zoe that’s cold!” 

You stepped into the bathroom as you heard the unapologetic laughter of Zoe bounce off the walls and closed the door behind you. 

Having the chance to get a good look at yourself in the mirror you felt your embarrassment increase tenfold as you quickly went to fix the strap that had fallen off your shoulder at some point. 

You were a hot fucking mess and not in the good way. 

It completely slipped your mind that you had decided putting actual effort into wearing decent clothing wasn’t worth it this morning given the whole moving process. 

You didn’t know how much stuff to expect so instead of putting together an actual presentable outfit you were just wearing your light purple tank top and some old paint splattered jeans from highschool that still fit somehow. 

You hadn’t worn this top on its own in ages and you wanted to die as you remembered why. It was a simple U cut top but it came down just a little too low for your liking. Nothing scandalous, you just weren’t the type to show off unless there was an occasion. 

Sleepovers and heavy lifting were not on the list of occasions that would make the cut. 

Your hair was tied up lazily and was an absolute mess, loose strands flying off in every which way. Which, okay, wasn’t the end of the world. You just had to mess with it a bit to make it look like you were intentionally going for a messy look. 

You’d never have an issue looking like this if you were just home alone for a day, but it was embarrassing as all hell knowing you were like this in front of everyone. 

Oh god you were like this in front of Zoe and Connor’s MOM. No wonder why Connor was looking at you weird. You probably made a pretty bad impression for a roommate. 

Speaking of Connor… 

Your mind flashed back to the brief moment and you felt your face heat up all over again. You hadn’t expected Connor to grab your wrist like that. 

It startled you. That’s it. That’s the only reason your heart was beating so hard. 

It had nothing to do with how you could see the splash of mismatched color in one of his eyes up close like that or how even after he let go you could still feel the phantom touch of his hand on your wrist. 

Had nothing to do with that... 

At all... 

You groaned as you slid onto the ground with your back to the door. 

What the fuck. 

\--- 

What. The. Fuck. 

One second Connor was minding his own business and sticking to the sidelines as much as possible, invisible to the majority of the group sans Evan who always noticed when Connor was in a sour mood, the next he had a jar of some weird goopy shit shoved towards his face. 

To be fair, it was his fault for not fully paying attention to what everyone was talking about. He was somewhat aware they were discussing him and his skincare but besides that he was guilty of zoning the fuck on out. 

He glared down at the offender and Evan’s quiet inhale from the side was the last thing he really processed before his brain just.. stopped. 

The dumbest part is that he doesn’t even know _why_. 

He just knew that the way you were leaning back and looking up at him with those wide eyes and slightly red cheeks from laughing caused something in him to short circuit. 

Which _really_ didn’t make sense. It was just you. 

The girl who somehow filled in a missing piece that none of them had realized was gone until you became a part of their lives. 

The girl who shared so many similarities with her brother, Connor’s best friend, and who stuck around despite all the shit Connor has thrown at her in the midst of his own emotional bullshit. 

The girl who somehow managed to still be kinda somewhat pretty despite having been working all day with messy hair and worn down, paint splattered jeans. 

And was still looking up at him innocently, waiting for a reaction. 

Damn it. 

Connor snapped back to attention when you started to lower your arm and he cursed internally as he noticed you now had that same stupid look on your face when you thought you fucked up when you literally didn’t do anything. 

That was the only reason why he didn’t stop to think before suddenly grabbing your wrist. 

Your face instantly flushed and Connor quickly addressed the container you had asked him about before he leaned back and let go of your arm quickly, like he had just grabbed onto a piece of hot metal instead of your surprisingly soft skin. 

He tore his eyes away from you and screamed internally as he tried to cover his face in what he hoped was a casual attempt. 

Connor willed the rest of the group to keep on being oblivious, but as you stood to go to the bathroom Jared locked eyes with Connor and a knowing smirk tugged at his lips before he turned to pay attention to Zoe and Alana instead. 

God fucking damn it. 

Jared fucking Kleinman wasn’t the only one who noticed either. 

“Connor?” 

Connor closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

Deep breaths. 

“Yeah?” 

Evan bit his lip as he looked between Connor and where you had walked away to. 

“Are you uh, are you okay?” 

“Mhmmm. Just peachy.” He grit out. 

“O-Oh okay. Just checking cause you seemed um, well I mean you seem fine but I just mean like-” 

“What acorn boy is trying to say is you look like a little school girl with her first crush on the hot dude from the football team.” Jared cut in. 

Evan sputtered and Connor’s eyes snapped open as he glared at Jared who was back at it again with that god damn smirk. 

Connor hated that smirk so fucking much. 

“Shut up Kleinman. Just play with your weird ass scented playdough and leave me alone.” 

Jared whistled, “Woah easy man. I mean no harm. Cross my heart.” 

Connor frowned, clearly unconvinced. 

“Mom did seem to be making shipping eyes at the two of you during that whole _what do I do with my life_ meeting.” Zoe chimed in, vaguely uninterested as she continued to test out different masks on Alana. 

“Not helping Zo!” Connor groaned as he pushed himself out of his seat. 

“I’m just saying!” She retorted as he walked to the kitchen area. 

“Well don’t! There’s nothing to say about anything, because nothing is going on. Okay?” 

Evan slid off the armrest and took Connor’s spot as he said placatingly. 

“We’re just saying that if there was that we’re... supportive?” 

Connor grabbed a soda out of the fridge and slammed it close just a bit too hard. 

“Great. Thanks. But seriously, just drop it?” 

“Right sorry…” Evan flushed and looked down at his lap. 

Jared shrugged and Zoe sighed quietly. Alana placed a hand on Zoe’s leg and squeezed lightly, causing her to smile softly. 

Connor sighed as he leaned against the counter and spoke to Evan with a lot less defensive fire in his voice. 

“I’m sorry Ev, I’m just really tired. This isn’t the kind of thing I like talking about either. I didn’t mean to be a dick, just… can we not go there?” 

Some of the tension left Evan’s shoulders as he nodded with a soft smile, “Yeah. Either way it just makes me happy to see you guys getting along? Not just you Connor, but well, everyone.” 

Connor relaxed, grateful to have the attention spread to the entire group instead of having it all pinned on him. 

“She’s a good class partner! I can tell she’s not the biggest fan of world history but the communication between our small group has been very productive.” 

Alana chirped in as Zoe wiped away the different mask samples she tried out on Alana. 

The doorbell rang and Jared was immediately on his feet. 

“Fuck yeah, pizza’s here. Don’t forget to venmo me guys.” 

Zoe shot him a thumbs up as she pulled out her phone and answered Evan. 

“I mean honestly it’s just cool that you’ve got this new part of your family now. Friend stuff aside, how are you adjusting?” 

Evan scooted over to make room for Connor as he came back to the love seat and shrugged. 

“Honestly it already feels like she’s always been here. But it also feels like she only became a reality like… five minutes ago. Does that make sense?” 

“Kind of yeah. Like one of those things where you meet someone that just sort of clicks despite being a new person in your life.” Zoe said as she finished sending her share of the pizza money to Jared and adding a bunch of emojis to the message. 

“Right!” Evan beamed as Jared bid the pizza man farewell by the front door. 

Jared skillfully opened the pizza box without dropping the little packets or the receipt and pulled out a piece of pepperoni pizza just as you opened the door beside him. 

“Hey Jared so you know how you said you _reaaally_ hate those two in one shampoos?” You asked as you stepped out of the bathroom with a bottle in your hands. 

Jared paused, hot pizza still hanging from his mouth as he glanced between your face and the bottle suspiciously. 

“Yesss…?” 

You looked up at him, as serious as you could and asked with a straight face, “How do you feel about my seven in one conditioner?” 

“Die.” 

Laughter broke out amongst your group as you quickly threw the bottle back into the bathroom before Jared could throw it out a window and he flipped you off before almost dropping the pizza box. 

You stepped forward and took it from him so he didn’t drop the box or the slice he was still devouring when you noticed some writing on the bottom on the receipt that was sitting on top of the box. 

“Oh what’s this?” You asked as you plucked the receipt off the top before setting down the box on the coffee table. 

“What?” Jared asked with a muffled voice as he finished stuffing his face with the last of his slice. 

You held up the receipt with an unabashed grin on your face for him to see. “Looks like pizza guy gave you his number.” 

Jared choked and started coughing harshly. You worried for him for a second as he pounded a fist against his chest and kept coughing but he snatched the paper out of your hand and managed to speak with a slightly scratched up voice. 

“You’re fucking shitting me right?” 

“Was he cute?” Zoe asked as she reached forward from her spot on the ground to open the pizza box. 

Jared flushed and scratched at his face, “W-Well yeah I guess and I mean it’s uh, not the first time I’ve seen him before. He’s delivered to Hansen’s a couple times too and I think he lives on campus.” 

“Ohhhhh?” You and Zoe now had your full attention on Jared. 

Something like the spotlight would normally make Jared cocky as all hell but now he just blushed even harder before shoving the receipt in his pocket and plopping down on the ground. 

“Shut up.” He groaned. 

“You guys are insufferable.” He added as he pouted and grabbed another slice from the box. 

Connor rolled his eyes as he reached for one too, “Kettle, meet pot.” 

“Yeah, you’d love that wouldn’t you you stupid fucking stoner?” Jared quipped. 

Connor flipped him off before handing Evan some pizza too. 

You all finished off the food within a few minutes and after cleaning up got settled to do some much needed self care. 

Alana brought a set of nail polish she had forgotten she had and started picking out colors as Zoe put on a full face mask on herself. 

Jared also expertly put his on for himself in a matter of seconds and you weren’t far behind to do the same. 

You glanced over to Connor and Evan and giggled as Connor drew trees on Evan’s face with one of the minty green masks. 

Evan looked like he was struggling to stay as still as possible. In fact… 

“Evan, you know you can breathe while he puts on your mask right?” 

Evan let out a huge breath and you chuckled as he opened one of his eyes to shoot you a grateful look. 

“Logically yes. But it still felt like i’d fuck it up if I made any movements so.” 

“You are such a dork.” Connor chuckled. 

You rolled your eyes as you popped open the blueberry mask you picked out. 

It was the same one that Connor would be using and was one of your favorites. It was one of the few masks you found worked well for all face types. 

“Says the one who’s drawing trees on Evan’s face with his finger.” 

“Connor!” Evan exclaimed. 

“Shit, why’d you rat me out ____? I was going for a full forest here.” 

“Oh well forgive me. We couldn’t leave him with just four trees on his face. That’s not even enough for a small park.” You commented playfully as you started putting your mask on. 

You all applied the slightly sweet smelling masks to your faces as Jared switched through his different playlists, bored of the one that had been playing for the past hour or so. 

Alana had started painting Zoe’s nails already and Evan was picking between a few blue and green bottles by the time you finished putting on your mask. 

Even with your hair tied back, you still were extra careful not to get any loose strands caught on your face so it took you a bit more time than the others. 

You glanced over at Connor and snorted as you saw him fighting a losing battle as he tried to put a mask on himself. He had managed to get blotches of the mix on his face but there were lots of random untouched patches of skin on his face and areas where the mask was way too thick or too thin to be effective. 

You wiped your hands off and hopped up on the armrest as you plucked the container out of his hand. 

“This would work a lot better if you used a mirror y’know?” 

Connor huffed before turning towards you and letting you work, giving up on doing it himself. 

“None of you guys were using one.” 

“True,” You hummed as you pushed some of his hair out of his face and pulled a hairpin out of your pocket. 

“But we also do face masks religiously. And according to Jared, you don’t.” 

“Not like you need an assessment from Jared to know that I don’t exactly do self care shit.” Connor laughed dryly. 

You rolled your eyes as you spread out the thick spots and got scooped out more of the mask from the container. 

“No, nobody needs that to see you don’t treat yourself. That’s what we’re here for though, right?” 

Connor quirked an eyebrow at you, causing you to get some of the mask actually in his eyebrow. 

“Where would I be without you smearing weird blue stuff on my face?” 

“Probably getting your nails painted by Evan.” You laughed as you finished and pointed over to Evan who had a dark green bottle picked out next to him while he looked at blues for himself. 

Connor smiled and shrugged as you screwed close the cap on the container, “It’s not black like my soul but it’ll do.” 

Evan chuckled as he finally settled on a color and grabbed the two small bottles and got up. 

“That’s kinda what I figured.” 

Evan painted Connor’s nails and afterwards Zoe painted his while Jared and Alana debated over the ingredients used in Lush products and the importance of their cruelty-free methods. 

You put everything back in the bag Jared brought and put the bag in the fridge so nothing would go bad before going up to the bed area and grabbing Luna. 

The rest of the night was a blur of talking, video games, and one horrible game of two truths and a lie before you all inevitably ended up crashing for the night on the couch and on top of each other on the floor. 

You all stayed up until well past two in the morning so none of you were awake as the morning sun rose or when a couple hours later Connor’s phone lit up with a single new text message notification. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGHHHH
> 
> ok hi im alive! things have been crazy.. and it sucks that i dont update as much. *finger guns* but legit, between my roommate moving in, getting a fulltime job, and getting sick with the flu it's been rough finding time to write. especially since i really hated how this chapter came out ngl. but!!! now that im past the hard part im hoping to be able to get my flow of inspo for this back


	13. never alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayy lmao im alive. turns out my motivation for writing this story just needed me to go back to college to come back so here we are!

“A public place. Trying to make sure I don’t cause a scene?”

Connor crossed his arms as he stood in front of the small table in the random cafe Larry told him to meet him at, debating if he should just give dear old dad the finger and leave instead of hearing whatever it was Larry seemed to want to say.

“Drew said it would be better if we talked in a place neither of us held any emotional connection to.” Larry sighed as he picked up his half finished coffee.

Connor tensed, “Who the fuck is that?”

Connor had always assumed that Larry never talked about him to anyone. He was too much of a disgrace to his perfect family image he wanted everyone to believe, just something to cover up.

It surprised Connor how much more the idea of Larry shit talking his own son to random people stung more than the idea of being covered up.

Larry set down his drink again, still oddly complacent as he responded, “My therapist.”

Now _that_ had Connor’s interest.

Deciding to bite the bullet, he grabbed the back of the empty chair across from Larry and pulled it back, wincing at the loud screech of the chair legs being dragged across the tile.

He sat down and leaned against the wall, as Larry watched. “Talk.”

Larry sighed and began to explain, “Cynthia and I have been talking a lot since… since the _incident_.”

Connor’s glare came back and Larry winced as he practically forced himself to address the last time they “spoke”. But Connor stayed quiet as he crossed his arms again and let Larry continue.

“She talked a lot about how you were going to therapy. All this research she did to convince me that it wasn’t special treatment. That is was just treatment. To take care of what you need.”

Larry stared down at his hands as he spoke, avoiding eye contact completely.

“Your mother said that I should see a professional as well.”

Connor’s eyes widened. This was the first he’d heard about this. 

He’d been talking to his mother more now than he had for as long as he could remember yet they had both made an unspoken agreement not to discuss Larry. Still though...

“I insisted that it wasn’t necessary, as you probably expected, but she was persistent. Your mother…” Larry trailed off as his grip on his mug tightened.

“Your mother said if I didn't at least try that she would leave me and take you and Zoe with her.”

“Holy shit.” Connor breathed.

Turns out there was a lot he hadn’t heard yet. He had no idea Cynthia was ready to leave Larry over this.

It still didn’t sit right with Connor. He needed more than that.

“So, what? You turned her down? Or did you go just so you wouldn’t get divorced.” He asked, starting to feel aggravated.

Larry frowned and opened his mouth to say something back, but instead of the dry irritation that always spiraled into unreasonable rage, he stopped himself and took a breath.

“I didn’t turn her down. And yes, I contacted a professional because of her threat. I went because of our conversations.”

Connor scoffed.

“But I kept going because she was right.”

Larry finally tore his gaze away from his hands and actually made eye contact with Connor.

“I was wrong. About a lot of things. Including the therapy and the medication and.. all of it. Drew has helped me see that over the past two months.”

“Never thought I’d hear you say that.” Connor said dryly. He was surprised and dare say, even the slightest bit hopeful. But this was Larry. And no one did a 180 like that. 

It wasn’t that simple and it’d take a lot more than the three words he’d wanted to hear from him so many times to convince him that anything had changed.

As if Larry knew exactly what Connor was saying he chuckled dryly and nodded, “Never thought I’d say it.”

“I know that admitting the way I handled everything was wrong isn’t enough Connor. And I know a handful of therapy sessions isn’t enough to convince you that I’m trying to understand.

I won’t lie. There is… a _lot_ that I still don’t understand. Some of it will take time and some of it I might never get. But I’m trying. I’m really trying.”

“Is this just because of mom?” Connor asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“No.” Larry replied immediately.

“It’s because of all of you. Your mother, Zoe, but most importantly you. I… pushed you to do a lot of the shit that you did. When we fought I said you wanted to push the blame onto everyone else but the truth is that I was the one pushing all the blame on you.”

Connor’s grip on his arms tightened as he tried to keep himself from freaking out. Larry was saying all of the shit he’d wanted to hear for fuck knows how long and he didn’t know how to feel.

“It took too long for me to admit it. That it wasn't all your fault. That it wasn’t an act. That I’m responsible for how things are too.”

“You didn’t say anything for two fucking months.” Connor let out shakily.

Larry frowned, “We both know I’m more than two months late Connor.”

Normally Connor would have retorted with something sarcastic but he was trying too hard not to shake in his seat and keep his shit together.

“What I’m trying to say is… I’m sorry. For everything.” Larry finished, seeming just as worn out as Connor felt, minus the nerves.

“I uh…” Connor tried.

“I. Don’t really know what to do with that.”

Larry nodded and sighed. “That’s fair.”

Connor’s knee started bouncing up and down rapidly and his nails dug into his arm through his hoodie as he tried to process everything.

“I need time to think.” Connor muttered before pushing himself out of his chair.

Larry stood as if to stop Connor, but then stopped himself when he saw the look on Connor’s face.

He kept a hand on the table and just looked at Connor with an expression he couldn’t read as he said,

“Just.. talk to me when you can.”

Connor gave him a quick nod before rushing out of the cafe and into the street.

He looked around and tapped his foot as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called you. The phone only rang twice before you picked up.

“Hey where the fuck did you park?” Connor bit out, a lot harsher than he meant to but he was on the verge of a full out panic attack so he figured it didn’t matter too much right now.

He heard the sound of your car coming to life as you turned the ignition and answered, “Just around the corner. Hang on a sec.”

Connor hung up the phone and waited as your car came into view and you pulled over in front of the sidewalk and waited for him to get in the car.

He slammed the car door behind him and immediately went back to bouncing his leg up and down furiously as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Fuck.”

You bit your lip, not entirely sure what to do. 

Evan had his phone on vibrate in case he needed to fake being sick and get off of work early if Connor needed him and you cleared your schedule for the day the second Connor wordlessly showed you guys the text from his dad this morning.

“What do you need?” You asked, keeping your voice level.

“Evan. Orchard. Weed.” Connor grit out as he turned towards the window.

“I can do the first two.” You answered as you shot Evan a text before driving away from the cafe.

Connor laughed weakly. “It’s a start.”

\---

Evan’s manager wasn’t thrilled about him leaving early, but still let him go after Evan followed Jared’s surprisingly convincing script for faking the stomach flu.

He slipped into the back seat of your car and the three of you headed to the orchard wordlessly as MCR played on the radio.

You were starting to wonder if you should make a playlist for the shitty times™ roadtrips that seemed to keep happening in your car.

Connor was out of the car before you completely pulled to a stop at the orchard gate and Evan was out only a split second behind. You cursed and quickly turned the car off and by the time you got out Connor had already punched a tree.

Fantastic.

You expected Evan to be right next to Connor or at least catching up but instead he was sitting on the fence, watching Connor from a distance.

“You’re not going after him?” You asked as you propped open the trunk to grab a couple of water bottles.

“It’s better to give him a chance to blow off some steam first.” Evan explained as he looked back at you with a gentle smile.

“Makes sense.” You agreed just as Connor started yelling a mix of profanities and insults at the top of his lungs.

None of it was really coherent but honestly it didn’t matter, as long as he got everything out of his system.

After ten minutes of screaming and five minutes of silence you and Evan finally headed over and sat down on the ground with Connor who was now leaning against the base of the tree he punched about twenty minutes ago.

“You good?” You asked as you offered him a water bottle.

Connor glanced down at you and shrugged before taking the water.

“Still want the weed. Probably getting high tonight. Also apparently even with meds there’s something seriously wrong with my head because what the fuck.”

Evan scooted closer to Connor and Connor immediately leaned his head on Evan’s shoulder as he took a deep breath.

You and Evan waited for Connor to speak and he sighed and filled you both in on everything Larry had said.

“What kind of fucked up do you have to be to hear the words you wanted to hear from the person who’s fucked you over the most for practically your whole life but then the second it actually happens you’re freaking out and on the verge of a panic attack?”

“You’re not fucked up Con.” Evan said quietly.

Connor laughed weakly, “Bullshit.”

“Okay yeah, but to be fair we’re all fucked up.” Evan chuckled.

“Amen to that.” You agreed.

“But seriously, you do realize that just because he apologized doesn’t mean you have to forgive him right?” You asked.

Connor shrugged and Evan held his hand as he nodded, “____ 's right. You don’t owe him anything. You owe yourself some time to process, but that’s it. And it’s not bad that you got shaken up from what happened. There isn’t a “right” way to take something like that.”

“It was just really fucking weird.” Connor sighed.

“Like, I’ve thought about what it would be like for Larry to own up to his shit a million times. But that was just.. It felt like it wasn’t really happening. Like that wasn’t even him.”

“In a way though it wasn’t.” You pointed out.

Both boys looked at you with puzzled expressions and you flushed at bit at the fact that sometimes things that made sense for you didn’t necessarily mean the same thing to others.

“I mean like, think about it. You’ve fantasized about something like this happening but you’ve never seen this kind of thing from him before right? It’s your dad but it’s also not. It’s something that you wanted from him but never actually expected.”

Connor shrugged and looked back down at the ground, “I guess.”

You bit your lip and glanced at Evan who just smiled reassuringly and shrugged. 

You knew that when it came to stuff like this having people there for you helped but there couldn’t be much said to actually make things better. It didn’t make you feel any less useless to just sit there as silence fell between the three of you.

Still though…

Just being at the orchard had a soothing effect. The gentle warm breeze, the sound of birds and the golden field framed with trees. It felt like it’s own little world. A secret under and endless sky.

You let your mind wander for a bit and you noticed that even though it was obvious Connor was still upset, he seemed a lot more relaxed just by being here too.

At some point Evan had lied down on his back and closed his eyes while still holding onto Connor’s hand for reassurance.

The three of you stayed like that for about an hour until Evan suggested heading to A La Mode. 

A simple “fuck yeah” from Connor and a confession that you’d never heard of the place that absolutely offended both of the boys had you all back in the car and on the road.

Shortly after that, the three of you were sitting on a bench outside of a quaint little family owned ice cream shop that immediately claimed the spot for best ice cream place you've been to so far.

“Who needs weed when you can just have frozen sugar?” You asked as you licked at your ice cream cone.

“Ice cream is good but I still prefer the weed.” Connor muttered dryly as he worked on his own chocolate ice cream.

Evan chuckled as he pointed out to Connor.

“You say that and yet eight out of ten times it’s you who suggests coming here on orchard days.”

“No comment.”

You and Evan laughed and a small smile pulled at the corners of Connor’s mouth.

Even with the damper on Connor’s mood the three of you were able to talk and spend the evening peacefully.

After you dropped Evan off at his house you and Connor headed back to the apartment, only really talking when you two argued over who got control over the car radio.

It wasn’t until you parked the car that you were suddenly filled with nerves at the realization that this was the first time the two of you would be at home alone together.

Without your friends there to be a social cushion, you were now officially on your own to face the reality of your new roommate.

As the two of you headed up you couldn’t help but glance at Connor from the corner of your eye. He seemed completely normal, which in all honesty bugged you a lot.

Sure, you guys were just friends and this had been your idea and you were 100% overthinking this but even then it just made you all the more nervous that you seemed to be the only one flustered in the slightest.

Risking the awkward eye contact you looked at Connor completely. He had his hands in his hoodie pocket and was staring blankly at the ground in front of him as the two of you walked.

You opened your mouth to say something but had second thoughts. The topic hadn’t come up much since the orchard but the stuff with his dad was probably still weighing on his mind.

You felt kind of foolish as you unlocked the front door to your apartment. Of course he wasn’t nervous or thinking about your living situation. The stuff with his dad was way more important, plus you were only acting this way because of the small crush you refused to acknowledge you might be starting to have.

As you opened the door Luna immediately ran up to the two of you and meowed loudly, welcoming you back home.

You quirked an eyebrow as Connor immediately went to the closet as you set your keys on the table and walked to the fridge to get Luna’s cat food.

Connor started shuffling through the few backpacks he had filled with god knows what that he kept in the closet as you fed your very hungry and impatient cat who hadn’t stopped meowing at you since you stepped towards the kitchen.

As you put the can of food back in the fridge you glanced over at Connor and sighed as you saw what he had pulled out.

“That set on getting high?” You asked flatly as you placed a hand on your hip.

Connor grabbed his bong, lighter, and settled on one of the small jars out of the three he had pulled out before standing up and walking towards the couch.

“Yup, pretty much.” He said with a tired tone despite the pop in his words.

You frowned as you walked towards him and he flopped down on the couch. He glanced up at you before handing you the small jar.

“Hold this for a sec.”

The jar twisted open easily enough and you were immediately met with the strong sent of weed mixed with something sweet.

“Do you have to do this inside? It’s going to make the place reek.” You complained.

“Open the windows if it bugs you that much. It doesn’t stick around as bad as you would think.”

Connor retorted before adding with a slight and sly grin. “For the most part anyways.”

“You suck.” You sighed as he reached for the jar and set up the bong.

“That’s kind of how it works, yeah.” He said smartly as he titled the bong towards you tauntingly.

You rolled your eyes at the dry humor. It concerned you a bit that he had his stash here with him but from what Zoe had told you he had cut back signicificantly, plus this was a special “dads fucking suck” occassion so you could be lenient just this once.

You moved to head upstairs to where your bed was as Connor lit his lighter and took his first hit but before you stepped away he gently kicked your foot, causing you to turn back towards him with a questioning silent glance.

He finished sucking in the smoke and held his breath for a moment before exhaling with a blissful smile on his face.

He offered you the bong and asked with a slightly raspy voice that you pretended didn’t do things to you as he asked,

“Want a hit?”

You looked away from him and pushed down the weird feeling in your chest as you shook your head.

“No thanks. I don’t smoke.”

“Don’t or have never tried it?” He asked knowingly.

“The latter…” You admitted quietly.

You weren’t embarrassed and you had experience with drinking sure. But you had just never really wanted to try getting high before. The friends you had back home who did smoke were all kind of assholes anyways and you didn’t really want to get mixed up in that.

“I won’t force you if you don’t want to but I think you should try it. You’ve been kind of tense lately plus a lot of shit has changed for you too. Your choice though, it’s just more fun to get high with someone else.”

You bit your lip and considered it for a moment before nodding. “Fine, one hit.”

“So enthusiastic.” Connor grinned before taking another hit.

You moved to sit down next to him on the couch but he waved you away and shook his head as he exhaled again.

“Go get a water bottle or something first. It usually fucks with people the first time.”

You sighed and went to get a water bottle out of the fridge, instantly wondering if this was such a good idea after all.

He didn’t seem like the type to get upset if you decided you didn’t want to try it out and he didn’t try to peer pressure you into it like others had before.

If anything, that may have been the main reason why you felt okay with saying yes.

You still didn’t necessarily have an interest in getting high itself, but you figured it was always worth a shot to try new things at least once. Plus you didn’t really want to leave Connor alone with his thoughts right now.

By the time you flopped down gracelessly on the couch next to Connor, water bottle in hand, he had already taken another hit and looked worlds more relaxed than he did when you got home.

He refilled the bong and passed it to you, waiting to light it after he explained how to take a hit.

“Okay it’s pretty simple. Just take a slow, deep breath in and hold it in your lungs as long as possible.”

You nodded and watched as he flicked the lighter a few times. You leaned forward to try it and it was only a nanosecond into sucking in the smoke before you were coughing like crazy.

Connor laughed as you reached for the water and shook his head. “Too much?”

You kept coughing harshly and put up a hand as you took a drink before replying raspily, “Too fast.”

He chuckled and took the bong from your lap to take the hit instead. Between your coughing and his getting high, the two of you just sat on the couch in comfortable silence for a while until he slowly asked.

“Do you think shit is going to work out?”

You looked over at him to see him leaning against the back of the couch, staring blankly at the ceiling.

“What do you mean?” You asked.

He took a moment to consider his words. From how hard he had to think about it, it wouldn’t surprise you if _he_ didn’t know what he meant.

“Just in general. Things have gotten… better. But who’s to say how long that will last, y’know?”

You nodded and sighed. “Yeah… I get that. Still though, even if things do go bad again it’s not the end of the world.”

Connor glanced down at you and you locked eyes with him as you said, 

“Even if everything goes to shit or the darkness in your head comes crashing through or anything. You’re not alone anymore Connor.”

You felt another cough coming up and turned away from him to get your water, but added quietly.

“And you’re not allowed to forget that.”

The once comfortable silence was now starting to make you feel a bit embarrassed as you finished off your water, not looking back at Connor.

You just said some pretty cheesy emotional stuff and god would it kill him to say something? You were starting to die over here.

Just as you started to turn towards him to say something a sudden weight fell into your lap and you squeaked as you looked down as Connor wrapped his arms around your waist and closed his eyes.

You stammered incoherently and he just huffed and squeezed you a bit as he mumbled, “Just shut up and let me stay like this for a while, okay?”

Your face was on fire and you didn’t trust yourself to say anything so you just nodded. He must have taken your silence and the fact that you hadn’t thrown him off the couch as a green light because it wasn’t long until he ended up asleep on your lap, with him arms still around you.

You sighed as you watched him before reaching over carefully to turn off the light next to you, cuing Luna to run down the stairs and hop up on the couch by Connor’s legs to get comfortable.

An amused huff left you as you watched her get settled before turning the lights off and you sighed, giving into your impulsiveness and running your fingers gently through Connor’s hair just this once.

“Goodnight.”


End file.
